Opinionated Jaahilism

As a child, I was always told to be expressive, animated and *cute*. I was also told to tell people that I went to Hong Kong in an airplane about a 100 million times, and that Tariq uncle roamed around in his chuddies because he didn’t have a wife (that actually made sense you see, because as soon as he got married, the shorts disappeared, and the trousers appeared). This was supposed to be cute. Being the curious little brat that I was, I had questions about each and everything that struck me as interesting and opinions about all those things, as well as things beyond my control and things I should not even have thought of at that time. This naturally turned me into an opinionated little angel, since I was always right and people were always wrong.

This stayed with me, and now, while trying to express any form of thought on anything, whether it involves society, family, friends, life, religion, or something as trivial as boys, I have to face obstacles which are as exhausting mentally as the first few weeks of boot camp.

Which leads us to opinionated jaahilism. The opinionated bit comes from yours truly, while the jaahilism comes from the ‘Jaahil ho kya?’ reprimand I seem to get from everyone. Until now I have been declared (to summarise it all) a deranged/demented kaafir with no ambition in life whatsoever and too much to talk about. Now people, as we have seen, especially those who seem to be dripping with wisdom, can be wrong. And grown ups are always wrong because if they weren’t, I wouldn’t be right. But I’m always right. And that, to me, is perfect logic.

Opinionated jaahilsm is a fine art indeed. Commenting and forming opinions about anything at all takes time, but coming up with full-fledged opinions in moments is no small task. Others would appreciate it if you would kindly shut up, but being the jaahil that you are, you do exactly the opposite of what you are told to. It’s a sort of virus in the upper chambers of the head you see; it seats itself in the centre of the jaahil’s brain and refuses to budge, and so, she/he go on like this.
Here are a few of my opinions on:

Society

If society were a person, it would be an obese one. Just like all the useful flesh, muscles and tissues are in a small amount buried under the mass of useless meat on an abnormally enlarged body, only a small number of people actually serve any useful purpose.
The rest can be found doing one of the following:

1) Gossiping.
2) Exercising double standards
3) Offering unsolicited advice.
4) Interfering in other people’s lives.
5) Commenting uselessly (that reminds me of someone).

Society also seems to be very concerned about how I won’t find a good rishta if I talk to members of the opposite sex and call them yaar and if I keep tick ticking on my cellphone and if I keep talking in English and if I wear jeans and *T-shut*, because it seduces men.

As for our dear men, they cannot stop the palpitations of desire which take over their hearts as soon as they see a female. Be it a female clad in a black burqa, or one in jeans, it is a WOMAN. Plus, it has been proven that a woman only gets excited, as a result of which her pupils dilate, when she sees a baby. A man’s pupils dilate when he sees a woman. Any woman. Who’s the pervert now?

Oh, and if you come on TV, you are not shareef. Everyone loves watching TV. Imagine if this keeps happening, there won’t be anymore TV. Moral of the story: Let your kids be on TV. It’s ok.

Fellow teenagers

I admit that most teenagers are airheads. It’s called globalisation. Life doesn’t have a meaning (even if it did, they wouldn’t get it in any case). If there isn’t a party at least twice a week and if you don’t change your boyfriend/girlfriend like you would your clothes, life would be meaningless. Life would also be meaningless if you could utter two words of Urdu without a thick American accent and if you didn’t pretend that the T-shirt you got from Sunday bazaar actually came from Saks Fifth Avenue. It’s an open secret no one talks about, just like certain other things (don’t pause and think here. Please).

Of course, there’s the other type of teenagers too. Oily hair, skin fitted T-shirt (with a picture of that Tere Naam actress. She’s quite revolting in any case, even our Meera is better) and weird jeans which are tight and can be buttoned somewhere above their chest. These teenage boys like doing *frandship* with you. Vary nayce frandship.

The girls from this category are active Star Plus watchers and idolise the actresses they gawk at. They like to sing and dance too and they do * frandship* with the oily boys.

(PS: The above paragraphs do not apply to the writer, or to teenagers capable of beating her up.)

Adults

Adults can be dumb too. It isn’t just us children. Ever noticed how your age seems to vary according to their moods, and what you ask for?

For example, if you want to go out, you are too young. If you open your mouth to discuss or comment on something, it’s disrespectful, and if you watch television, MTV is off limits.

But when it comes to grades and responsibilities, you suddenly grow up and are no longer a child. Be rational, you know what’s good for you.

If only they switched opinions; up down and down up. However, I refuse (repeat, refuse) to grow up, or down in a matter of seconds. I prefer my own pace, thank you very much. And then you wonder why I’m grounded so often.

So here I am, stuck between two generations of people. One thinks they are always right, the other’s too consumed in their own hedonistic little worlds.

What is a girl to do?