We dont have much room.

And you keep telling me that it’s over, you have to get out and all I can do is nod. I’ve forgotten how to speak now. Sometimes I try to talk through words when I see you but then I crash. All I can do is nod and clap. All I do is nod.

Why do you always bring me home? Are you afraid to be alone? I sleep in your living room because we don’t have much room. My stuff is still sprawled around your apartment. Why do you bring me home each time? I had left your place once to become a rock-star, once to become a jockey and once, I wanted to go to the moon. But then you brought me home and all my dreams crashed. But that’s because of me and what I did to myself. We don’t have much room.

I know you can’t bear to see me shaking, so you bring me home. But I shake inside the doors too, only because you are asleep and I am by myself and I need to do this. I need to feel myself become lighter and lighter until I disappear. You won’t understand, the game had quit you even before you got to quit. Real Smart. I nod to myself, I’ve noticed.

You can smell it every time you wake up and I am sorry. I remember you and me sitting on someone else’s porch when we first started. We didn’t have much room then either. You would laugh until tears rolled down your pretty cheeks. I would always panic, worrying you had taken in too much. You would smile ear-to-ear and I knew everything would be okay. You would link your arm in mine and walk back with me.

Then you wanted to stop and I said sure. I could talk then. You were fine and used to ask me to stop but I thought that would be stupid. To do something for you. But you were saying that for me. I guess I didn’t hear you too well back then. Now I hear everything, I just can’t reply. I’ve fallen deep where you won’t even be able to hear the echoes from my silent screams.

I was thinking how times have changed. That night when you let me sleep by your side, we had grown so apart that I couldn’t even touch your hand. You used to get mad at me when I would fall asleep watching TV in the living room. You didn’t like sleeping alone and I had to be beside you, even though I lay awake most of the times. The times when I was asleep, I hadn’t thought I would wake up. But there you’d be standing, staring at me, ready to throw me out.

I wish this was like before, where the most we’d do after was eat or watch TV. But now all I can do is think about the next time I can escape. Stupid girl, you got into my head and spun me around you like a dream. I know you miss me every time you throw me out. Why? Why do you bring me home? We don’t much room anyway.

The door is open. Are you ready to throw me out again?

“Where were you?” You ask standing in the door way. Light hair and fair skin.
I look at you and you move away, allowing me in.
“We have some food. I didn’t buy groceries because there isn’t much room in the fridge,” you say walking away to your room.
“There’s never enough room,” I mumble in a soft whisper.
“Did you say something?” You yell out from your room.
I reach out and pull a soda from the fridge and sit on the floor silently.
“I didn’t think so,” you yell out a minute later. I can hear your covers rustle in your bed.
I stare at the neon sign outside the window. Calling all men to come in and watch a treasure chest come alive. Men like those have a lot of room to live I hear.

It’s dark and I don’t have the energy to open my eyes. I try and I see you standing in front of me. You’re almost naked and your eyes seem empty.
I follow you to your room and you touch my arm.
“You don’t need that, you have me,” you whisper.
I stare in your empty eyes.
You touch my face, “This won’t get us anywhere. You come home defeated everyday. It hurts me thinking I was there with you when you started. It hurts me to think but you have to leave now if you don’t stop.”
Why do you have to throw me out when I’m not even fully conscious? I’m so confused. What do you want?
You move away and stand still looking at me.
I nod and I leave.

I think about the nights spent in my car. I always messed it up but you would smile and wait. Wait for me to be like everyone else. But I never was. I would never hurt you but lately that’s all what I do.

I’ve smoked more than I should have, I barely know where I am. I am looking at a star and I don’t even know if it is a star. It’s like a movie screen in front of me. With a sky on pause before my eyes.
Do you know I miss you?
I have to figure out where I am. I have to go home. I don’t have much room in this abandoned corner.

You didn’t lock the door. The sun is about to rise and there is faint orange light falling on your bare arm. Did you know I would come back? Why do you make it so easy?
I found my way back, I deserve to be beside you.

You move to make space for me. You mumble you are glad I am home. You were scared to be alone, but you don’t have much room to live these days.