Taking the Lid off Sexual Fantasies

I became aware of the significance of people’s fantasies in understanding their sexual personality while a student of psychiatry at Memorial University, Newfoundland. One afternoon Dr. John Hoenig, our professor, who had a special interest in human sexuality, said that he had been asked to interview a teenager who was caught having a sexual encounter with another boy in the school’s washroom. The boy’s teacher felt he was gay and wanted him to get psychiatric help as he considered homosexuality a sexual perversion. Dr. Hoenig said that when he interviewed the student he found that the student was not homosexual.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because of his sexual fantasies.”

“I do not follow.”

“The student told me,” Dr. Hoenig explained, “that he had been sexually frustrated because no girl would go out on a date with him. So while he was having sex with another boy he was fantasizing about one of his charming female classmates.” Dr. Hoenig believed that the boy’s sexual fantasy reflected his sexual orientation more than his behaviour.

Over the years, as I listened to my patients’ fantasies, I found that Dr. Hoenig’s view was correct. Most people behave in a way that is socially acceptable but in their private lives, they fantasize about their real wishes and desires, reflecting their true nature.

When I had open and honest discussions with people about their sexual fantasies, I became aware that they belonged to different groups that could be observed on a wide spectrum.

The first group fantasized only about their present lover. There were more women than men in this group and most belonged to conservative, traditional and religious families.

The second group fantasized about their past lovers. Those in this category were generally liberal and could easily talk about their past love affairs. They had pleasant memories of their previous intimacies.

The third group also fantasized about those they were attracted to but with whom they had never made love. I met many men who were fascinated by and attracted to their neighbors, colleagues and relatives but never expressed their romantic feelings to them. Many such connections were more than platonic but less than sexual, better described as being sensual.

The fourth group mostly fantasized about people they had never personally met, perhaps their favourite actors, actresses, musicians, writers, artists or even magazine centre-folds. Many were shy and did not feel comfortable approaching the opposite sex in their social lives.

The fifth group fantasized about those they had neither met nor seen in pictures. They created lovers from their own imagination. Such people were generally shy but very imaginative.

The last group consisted of men and women in which fantasy life was conspicuous by its absence. They were so inhibited and at times depressed that they did not fantasize at all. They were so preoccupied with day-to-day issues that sex was not important to them in their survival. They were so preoccupied with living they had no time to fantasize about loving.

Dividing people into different groups is only to highlight the range and is not to indicate that they are mutually exclusive. They can, and usually do, belong to different groups at the same time. I have met many committed and faithful partners who were very promiscuous and unfaithful in their fantasies.

I have also observed that some personalities are very private and never share their sexual fantasies with a close friend or lover.
There are others who feel comfortable sharing sexual fantasies with a close friend of the same gender but not with a lover, and others are very open in discussing fantasies with their sexual partners. It was interesting to find that sometimes the lover was uncomfortable listening to sexual fantasies especially if they included others. I gradually realized that in sexual relationships honesty might not always be the best policy. I have an Asian friend living in America who had an arranged marriage and whose virgin wife of an arranged marriage was devastated when he shared with her all his previous sexual affairs on their wedding night. He thought he was being truthful while she thought he was inappropriate, even cruel. Some people feel extremely jealous when their lover talks about previous sexual partners.

It was also interesting for me to see that there were those who did not feel guilty about their sexual fantasies, as long as they did not act on them, while there were others, who had grown up in a very religious, conservative family and culture, who felt extremely guilty as they considered fantasizing about other men and women very sinful. I met many of the latter who had lost their sexual passion over the years. Many such men gradually became impotent and such women became frigid. They lived in sexless and loveless lives because they could not resolve the conflicts between their fantasies and their day-to-day realities.

It is also amazing to note how people’s fantasy life changes from adolescence to old age as they change their sexual lifestyles. Ending a long-term marriage can be painful and traumatic and can change people’s attitudes towards romance and fantasy life. When people get divorced, some stay celibate for a while, some start dating to find a long-term partner right away, while there are others who become promiscuous and enjoy wild sexual fantasies and encounters. After a divorce from a lengthy marriage, some men prefer women of their own age while others choose younger women. Some married men whose wives have became over-weight and wrinkled, stop fantasizing about their wives, and not realizing they themselves have become bald and fat, start fantasizing about young and attractive women. Some have tried to convince me that such fantasizing improved their married lives.

I have met those men who, after having a stable heterosexual marriage for a few years, adopted a homosexual lifestyle. When I inquired about their fantasy life, they stated they always knew they were gay, but lacked the courage to come out of the closet and accept their truth—they got married to conform to family and social expectations. I have also met women who discovered a lesbian lifestyle after they unexpectedly met and fell in love with a special woman. They were as surprised in their change of fantasy life as I was. I realized that the fantasy life of women, alongside their sexual orientation, was more adaptable, flexible and fluid than men. Many men and women were surprised to discover a bisexual lifestyle and fantasy life.

I was also fascinated by the changes in the fantasy life of immigrants. I met a number of Asian men who as teenagers used to fantasize about brown skinned Eastern women with long dark hair, but after coming to the West and dating Western women, their fantasy life changed and their ideal lover underwent a cultural transformation. Now they fantasize about blondes and brunettes wearing skirts and slacks rather than Eastern women wearing saris or shalwar kameez. Such a phenomenon is prevalent in mixed marriages.

After I became comfortable exploring sexual fantasies within my patients’ life stories, I used them as a part of marital and sexual therapy. I realized that many loveless and sexless couples had stopped fantasizing about their spouses. I encouraged them not only to go on weekly dates but also to fantasize about their spouse when alone. It was rewarding to see that as they regained their sexual interest in their partner they could act on their fantasy life. Many needed marital therapy to resolve emotional conflicts but the fantasizing technique was important to rejuvenate their sexual intimacy. How interesting it was for me to note that most women’s fantasies were romantic, involving long walks, candle light dinners and slow dances, while most men’s fantasies were more erotic and focused on the sexual act. It was important for men to learn the significance of romance and foreplay in therapy to win their partner’s heart and regain their romantic lives. They had to realize that for their spouse hugs, kisses and cuddles were as important as sexual encounters.

I am gradually realizing the significance of people’s fantasy life and have accepted the truth that knowing who people fantasize about might be more revealing of their sexual character than who they sleep with in their real lives. Fantasies are the windows to peoples’ hearts and deserve more attention than they receive. Once people become aware of the significance of their fantasies, they become empowered and gradually realize that by changing their fantasy life they can learn to grow personally and improve the quality of their love lives. They can transform their fantasies into daydreams and then make those dreams come true.