Why Superwomen Have it Bad

Parenting has changed me. The paradigm shift is so intense that I am stripped off the need to document it – How can I use the same language to describe the misconceptions held deeply before and those that dawned on me as scientifically as Murphy’s law after the birth of my daughter, Deeyah, now nearly four?

The most striking thing about being a mother is the inequity and unfettered dependence on my womanhood for its success- as if to say that parenting was synonymous with motherhood. It’s a bittersweet journey where some moments I am comforted by the easy fit of natural mothering that only I can nurture and the clear divisibility of my man’s role in my daughter’s life as the ball player, the tickler, the roughie.

At all other moments however, I am overwhelmed by the physical tasks that accompany motherhood and rage against the false reality which awards the ability to withstand physical strain only to men. If I am going to push out a baby from a hole originally smaller than its eye, I refuse to allow myself to be from the fairer sex. There is absolutely nothing fair about the fact that we don’t rule the world and still earn 60% of a man’s pay at the same skill and education level, even in an advanced industrialized country like the US.

These frustrations are only highlighted because of my choice to be a working mother and because my husband, God bless his cuteness, can get away with the habits of a Texas Rancher who thinks he can act out the role of the sole bread earner of the household. He plops himself on a couch and watches violent movies while I am stuck in a demeaning evolutionarily backward position of all fours scrubbing the floor, with a humongous sack of baby # 2 dangling from my middle. I remind myself, from my education, that I must not grieve unless I can accurately communicate my feelings. To pursue the persuasion of my point of view I give my man a homily on the politics of housework from the feminist journal, to which he responds with a deep thought most likely directed toward the blood sucking vamp fighting his battles on TV. Deeyah joins him in his fascination.

My husband, when he does decide to answer my questions about this new-age-patriarchy, which he adopts by default, he tells me that he makes up for his indolence by giving me a support system of his parents. Undoubtedly, hadn’t it been for his mother, we’d most likely be divorced now. She played my my midwife, my emotional-well-filler, a mom to my daughter, our maid, in addition to being my cook, all in all, she has done more for me than my mom ever did- she sacrificed her whole career, a brilliant one that is, for me, to bring up my kids, to make up for my family’s inadequacy. Perhaps she felt she had a hand in raising the moron I was stuck with and compensates for it.

The as independent, high-achieving women, though I say so myself, both my Mother-in-Law and I pay the price for opting out of being reduced to only a housewife’s role, like our own mothers. However, it doesn’t come with the usual benefits of leaving the thankless job behind, it is almost as if we are asked – So you really think you’re all that, fine- Be a housewife and a career women and a mom – while everything else remains constant. The world waits for us to fall on our face, and we’re forced to take it all in, in the name of oppressed women all over the world.

Now these multiple roles would have been perfectly alright and democratic, as long as men weren’t reaping added benefits of partnering with this super woman, who also finds a way to love them. Considering that without these superwomen, men wouldn’t be able to flaunt the status of having an educated, opinionated wife with whom they can discuss the intellectual depth of star wars, they can have arguments that involve cutting edge brain theory, rather than detergents.

Considering that without these women, men wouldn’t be able to support a large extended family as my Father in Law does or advance a career without worrying about many of the finances as my hubby does. Consider also that they get their children raised in a superior environment with minimal health crisis which are prevented because the mother is educated. Consider that they still have the right to reject a meal if something is off, even though the woman preparing it has less time and more worth on her hands. Consider that they can still opt out of pulling up diapers on the count of being unskilled, though the woman who does it had no such skill before either. Shouldn’t there be a cost to the added benefits? Shouldn’t men learn how to crush garlic and clip baby toenails, just as we have learned how to do groceries and pay bills?

We aren’t that difficult to please. All we ask is that when at the end of the day we are overburdened, burned out, pushed over, beat up, harassed and looked down on, with over 5 balls in the air to juggle before the day ends, that, we get a bit of a helping hand, a kind gesture, a considerate word or two and a reassurance that we’re still loved and beloved, that we’re doing a great job and that we have them on our side.

In those lovely moments of realization and brilliance my metrosexual man walks into the kitchen, blazing with afternoon heat, and helps a soaking sweaty woman stir the boneless chicken in the wok. This egalitarian man, walks to me with the grace of Martha Stewart and announces, ‘for your viewing pleasure, I folded my own suit neatly, now it rests on the couch for you to wrap up.’ This father of my child takes care of Deeyah, be it while channel flipping and colors a whole page of airplanes while she helps herself to dining table tissues. Men can be adorable and a source of endorphins sometimes, and true that we depend on them for our only source of recharge of a tired day. But there are things that every educated woman should know before she gets married and becomes a mom.

1. Do not forget to the pill, men can be surprisingly irresistible
and cause recklessness- You don’t want two babies at your hand when you’ve just married.
2. Pregnancy causes tastes and senses to be heightened, if you are not used to the foods cooked in the household you marry into, things can be quiet daunting.
3. Get used to the Murphy’s law of marriage- everything that can go wrong will go wrong.
4. A long term living arrangement resolved earlier is better. Be sure to discuss the location of your home, home loans and payments earlier so you are prepared.
5. Shelf all travel plans, and place them somewhere after you hit menopause
6. When you get pregnant, and feel low on self esteem, self doubt hounds you, you will be faced with confessions of your husband’s past, which will act like a balm on your self-existence, and you’ll never know what hit you. Sooner or later, you figure you’re still alive and that helps you generate overconfidence.
7. Co-workers will become anorexic because you eat their lunch. Prepare your own snacks when you are pregnant at work.
8. Learn how to cook. One of the greatest misconceptions faced by high achieving woman is that they can get away with overlooking the role of feeding men.
9. When you get closer to giving birth, remember that your man will get closer to the door and plead a weak heart
10. You will be responsible for keeping the house spick and span like the women of the 50’s who got orgasms at the site of scum cleaners and got sea sick at the site of dirty collars.
11. You will understand why women one up on each other when it comes to cleaning the house- You too will figure its better to accept that you’re as good as your house is clean.
12. During labor your husband will suggest leaving the house maid to watch you in a compromising state.
13. During labor, your husband will take a nap in the lobby, watch some cricket.
14. During labor, you will vow to leave him
15. After labor, you will change your mind when you see the baby latch on its little fingers around his.
16. After birth, you’ll love your husband like there is no tomorrow.
17. When you hold on to your baby who’s a spitting image of your husband, you’ll be fooled into believing that the world is a cradle of peace, justice and unity.
18. Breastfeeding is worse than birth.
19. Only your husband can encourage you to breastfeed. This is the single most benefit of having an educated high-achieving husband – a man who sees you as an all encompassing woman rather than a sex object with perky boobs till 80.
20. When you are in your worst phase of post partum depression due to sleepless nights and sore stitches, your husband will fight with you like a dog.
21. Most of your fights will originate because you’ll accuse him of not taking care of the baby while you take a moment.
22. Going to the bathroom for a quick pee is possible, because half of it is out anyway, but a shower is too self-indulgent a process after the baby is born.
23. You must wait to spend more than 15 minutes in the bathroom until the baby is big enough to drag you in herself and insist on a co-shower.
24. You will traumatize your baby if you forgot to use the work toilet for your elongated constipation sessions.
25. Slowly you will understand that the more you work like an ass the more respect you will earn
26. You will also realize that you are responsible for searing everyone else’s emotional baggage at the peak of your own childhood daemon visits.
27. Raising your daughter will bring a new dimension of your own mother’s sacrificial existence before you.
28. You will realize that all love in the world is a shadow of the love you feel for your child. Except your husband’s - that’s a love that stands alone and stands apart.
29. No matter how impossible it seems, always threaten to leave your husband when he’s most vulnerable.
30. Do not attempt to explain that the 4 dogs will proliferate to 7 dogs if the males remain unfixed. All males will cringe at the thought of castrating another; even if that involves all the females in the pack go though Incest, postpartum depression, miscarriages, still births and breastfeeding woes.
31. You will be expected to cut his toe nails and gather his wallet, car keys and cell phone.
32. You may receive an occasional massage, but it’ll always end up having you give up more rest.
33. Pillow talking is civilization’s greatest invention.
34. The great grandmother was right: Marriage works if one partner (read: the wife) compromises (Read: rolls over and dies)
35. Throughout the marriage you will be asked to annunciate and articulate your frustrations and desires. Even when you’re visibly on the floor with the mop attacking you.
36. You’ll always be asked to look at the brighter side – If you were in the US, you’d be the one cleaning the amniotic fluid off the floor from the time your water broke, weeks after you return with the baby.
37. There is something very charming about a man who gives up sleep to read in the toilet.
38. Your family will be insulted at some point or the other, take it with the heartbreak it deserves.
39. Your birthday will be forgotten when you’re pregnant and in need of attention
40. When you need less stress and more stability, your man will change careers