Accepting Death

Dealing with death has always been a tough and enduring process in life for all and everyone deals and reacts differently since we all have varying emotions to situations of this nature.

We all know it’s inevitable and that we will all experience it one day. The turning point for me was how comfortable I became with understanding that I was not created by a divine being but had actually evolved through a natural process helped me understand and accept the death of my father. It seemed this period in my life took the thinking process to its defining stages for me to believe what I do today.

My father died of lung cancer and fought a strong and courageous battle to the end.

Throughout his battle with this illness he found the strength to battle and he continued to impress me as he did through out his whole life. From traveling to radiation treatments to sitting and just chatting like we had always done showed me that even under such immense pain and worry and fearfulness he was able to continue living and be there for me, the one who he had given his genes so his life can continue on in me. A lot happened in that period of time in my thought process as I will recall part of that journey.

I saw for the first time up close what a person dieing goes through. The first stage that hit me was the time when my father went to have an operation to see if the doctors could remove the cancer from his lung. My mother and two sisters and I sat nervously with him in a waiting room before they took him into surgery. This gave me a feeling I have never felt or could have prepared for. Dressed in generic blue hospital garments I bet my father had never felt as alone in his entire life as when he walked through those doors to the operating room. The surgery was unsuccessful and we awaited the news from the doctor as to his condition. His fight had begun, and for all of us I am sure we had thoughts smothering our minds as to what was going to happen to this man that had given us so much.

I knew there was going to be a fatal outcome and it would most likely be months instead of years till the day came. At this point all my ideas and opinions of what happens after life ends started to uncover themselves in my mind and surface to my critical level of thought. When this happens you can’t avoid these thoughts as they occupy your day and night like crashing waves across a lonesome beach and with every wave you are reminded how his life has can become such a struggle to survive. Is there a heaven, a place after life, angels to guide him? Has he been chosen by a creator, did someone need him in a higher place? I gave all of these questions some thought for a final time but it was brief. If god needed my father in heaven for a chosen plan which would make him so important then why would he make him suffer so much before taking him of for that matter put his family through the same pain? The answers were no where to be found and I felt in order to believe that this was an act of god or that my father was called by god to serve him then I would have to lie to myself to believe such dogmatic ideas. I had done what’s right, through the pain and emotion I had taken the time to question and be honest with myself. This was a defining moment in my life, how could I lie to myself to in order to find a way to delude myself from the truth and the real reason we live was becoming very clear. The answers which I concluded from my thoughts and questions lead me to continue in my search for the truth of life and with everyday the picture receives new brush strokes from the colorful paint of life.

I was comfortable knowing that my father has lived his life and it is ending. I learned that being comfortable with this idea wasn’t what I wanted but it was the observation of reality I was accepting. I am part of his continued existence through our passing of genes and I continue to have part of him with me physically which I definitely feel is worth more than hoping he is watching down on me. He doesn’t need to watch me any more. My father has done his role in making me who I am. He has given me his guidance and led me to where I am today. He has left me with the memory of our life time together.

At this point I was aware that I had discovered true facts that his existence with me is still continuing and I can enjoy the memories and look at my children and see that through us a part of him is still here.

When the time of his death came I did have moments of breaking down, crying all alone and letting out my pain. No matter what you believe the pain is still present though the difference in believing that death is final gave me a feeling of closure without wondering.

Life is random no one or supernatural being controls the length of our lives from beginning to end. Life in this universe happens only once to us. Each of us was conceived out of a pool of millions of sperm and in that pool we are the only one that received this chance to experience life.