The Psychology of Mothering

Working in the obstetrics department and labour room of the Women’s Hospital in Pakistan, I met many women who looked forward to becoming mothers as they believed that mothering was the most loving role a woman can perform in her life. Some of them considered it holy and sacred. Their traditional, conservative and religious families had told them that paradise existed under the feet of mothers. Women who could not become mothers because of infertility were disappointed. For many Eastern women the role of mothering has become an integral part of their identity. In their families and communities they evolve from the role of daughter to wife to mother and people know them more as daughters of, wives of, or mothers of such and such men rather than their own names. These women believe that the mother role provides them with regard, respect and reverence. But in the last few decades the roles of women are changing not only in their communities but also in their families and more and more women are making conscious choices about their future.

Practising as a psychotherapist in Canada for the last thirty years, I have met many women personally and professionally who do not want to become mothers. Such women belong to two groups.

The first group is more focused on their personhood. Their identity as human beings is stronger than their identity as women. They believe that by becoming wives and mothers they become subject to the restrictive institutions of marriage and family. They are afraid that by becoming part of a patriarchal system they might gain less and lose more. They no longer see the role of mothering as noble and sacred. They do not want to sacrifice their dreams of higher education, financial independence and social status on the altar of marriage and family. Some of them are not confident that they would be able to keep a healthy balance between their professional and family roles.

I also met some young women who do not want to become mothers as they do not like children. One 17-year-old teenager Adriana told me, “I do not want to be a mother because I do not like children and I also feel that if you are given one life why spend it providing for someone else? As selfish as that may sound, I would rather be doing something other than mothering duties. Having a child means responsibility as it would to own a dog or a cat but ten times more and it is a responsibility that I do not think I would be able to or want to fulfill.”

Listening to this teenager some biologists might wonder what has happened to the human instinct of such girls and women to reproduce. It might be that human nature is changing with the shifts in the emotional, social and political dynamics of our culture.

The second group of women had all the intentions of becoming mothers but as they got involved in higher education they kept postponing that decision, and finally at a certain stage opted not to have children. When I asked one such 35-year-old ambitious married woman Maryam why she had not become a mother she stated, “I kept going back and forth for about ten years on the subject. Initially the reason for having kids was peer pressure (the circle we moved in were older couples with children) and the reason for not having was mostly financial. I also asked my mother at one point if she could take care of the child for the first couple of years, but due to her own life commitments she said ‘no’, further creating a reason to delay having children. Eventually we moved to Canada and a few years passed while we tried to build a life in a new place…somehow it never was the right time. Now after ten years of marriage my husband and I have become so used to our lifestyle and are so career focused that we no longer have the desire to have any children. Another reason I think is also because my brother has two children (a boy and a girl) and the void that I may have subconsciously felt seemed filled by my role as an aunt. Although one should never say never, at the end of the day happiness is what matters most and I feel very happy and content with my husband and life and hence feel no need / desire to have children.”

In the last few decades because of the availability of different kinds of contraceptives available, couples can have sex for three different reasons:

1. Recreational reasons…to have fun
2. Relational reasons…to be part of a loving relationship
3. Reproductive reasons…to have children.

In the contemporary world men and women are increasingly choosing to have sex for recreational and relational rather than reproductive reasons.

While many women do not want to become mothers, others desperately want to have children but cannot because they have not met suitable partners or they are infertile. Such women may consult infertility clinics and are disappointed to learn of abnormalities in their ovaries and uterus or that their husband has a low sperm count. Some choose to have in vitro procedures to become pregnant, while others decide to adopt a child. It is interesting that some women who were too nervous to get pregnant became pregnant after they adopted a child, as they felt more relaxed.

Some women choose to become mothers outside of marriage. Such single mothers find parenting difficult, as raising children is easier when there are two parents and the ongoing support of both extended families.

I have also met some women who wanted to have children while in lesbian relationships. One of my friends was shocked when his girlfriend told him that she was not only leaving him but also moving in with her lesbian lover. My friend was shocked again when two years later his ex-girl friend invited him for dinner and said, “Although I am in a lesbian relationship, I want a baby but I do not want to sleep with a stranger. I like and respect you. Would you do
a favor and become father of my child? I promise I won’t expect you to take any emotional or financial responsibility.” My friend felt flattered but turned down her offer.

It is interesting that as our culture is changing and many women are reluctant to take on motherly duties, more men are becoming motherly and nurturing and in divorce cases asking for custody of their children. In some cases judges have awarded full custody to fathers as they were more committed and dedicated to their children than their wives. Many workplaces have parental leave that can be taken by either parent and some couples choose the father to take the leave, especially if the mother earns the higher salary. It is a welcome trend that men are developing their parenting skills. It seems that in the contemporary world, not only is the psychology of women changing because of socioeconomic and cultural changes, but also that the role of men in family life is evolving. They are becoming active and involved fathers. They are learning to enjoy playing with their children and reading them bedtime stories. As both parents are choosing to work outside the home, their parenting responsibilities are also changing and evolving.

The rising rate of divorce has resulted in more blended families and changes in the roles of stepparents. Many biological mothers and stepmothers are developing a friendly and cooperative rather than an adversarial and antagonistic role to provide the best care and nurturing to the children.

In my practice as a psychotherapist I have heard from many women that they had not realized that mothering could be such a difficult and demanding task. Changing diapers, feeding children in the middle of the night and looking after them when they are sick can be an exhausting job. They had not realized that becoming a mother was an irreversible decision. Some became distressed to the point of depression, and a few became abusive. It is difficult for some people to accept that mothers can be as emotionally and physically abusive as fathers. Occasionally we had to admit angry, abusive and depressed mothers to the hospital and the Children’s Aid Society ensured that they were enrolled in parenting classes before they could have their children back. It was even harder for single mothers who were emotionally and financially struggling on welfare assistance. It is sad that so many women are choosing to become single parents, not realizing the difficulties they will face on their own for the next eighteen years. Some of them are teenagers themselves and it seems as though children are having children.

I am gradually realizing that mothering is not only an instinctual behavior it is also a learnt behaviour. It is difficult for women to become nurturing mothers if their own mothers were not good role models. Women who were brought up by angry, controlling and abusive mothers have a hard time breaking that cycle. In my opinion they should think twice before choosing to become mothers themselves. They might need some professional help to unlearn the patterns of their mothers, and to choose nurturing and caring partners with whom to have children. This will also encourage fathers to become involved in the well-being and growth of their children.

With social and cultural evolution more and more people are realizing that mothering is a role not restricted just to mothers. It can be provided by fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, even teachers and neighbors, as we need the whole village to raise a child. Mothering is reflected in nurturing and expressed in loving, and the more people who learn it, the better it will be for our future generations.