Fashion Or Lack Thereof

I know as much about fashion as the other person, provided the other person has just come out of a box in which s/he lived for the past 20 or so years. So when you ask me about my opinion regarding fashion, being a Pakistani by heart, knowing full well that my fashion knowledge comes from the dark ages, or possibly before, I will let you have a piece of my well informed mind.

I look around and I see all these people wearing capris, and I wonder, what IS this abomination? You either want to show your legs, in which case, you wear a nice sleek skirt, or perhaps a pair of shorts, or you do not want others to see them as they are fat and hideous (unlike mine, of course), in which case you cover them up with a loose pair of pants or, perhaps, a skirt the length and width of which your fat aunt from abroad will have no problem fitting into, and pray to God noone notices those fat things you seem to waddle on.

With capris, we no longer have the choice. Women, sometimes even men who call themselves metrosexual (though what I call them is besides the point), decide to don them and parade proudly around town showing half their calves. Perhaps it is a woman’s desire of leaving the men wanting for more that gave this repulsive piece of cloth so much importance, or perhaps in a society where you cannot bare yourself without at least trying to find a semblance of purdah or covering up, this is the best of both the worlds; but to me, it is what it is, an ugly leg wear, that makes me want to smash the heads of those who wear it.

A pair of pants, named after an Italian isle, again might, to some, present a sense of culture, which they otherwise lack in their unimaginative and boring lives, filled with mindless chatter and gossip. But to me, the fact that they were actually made more famous by the Dick Van Dyke Show does the trick. You listen to the name of that Show and tell me if anything coming out of it can be cultured, and if you do, I’ll seriously doubt your mind. Do not, I repeat, do not come out and tell me, “hey dim bulb, Dick Van Dyke was an icon in his time, and is a legend,� because I’d only retort with an “anyone not having enough sense to change that kinda name will only be a douchebag to me�, and then where’ll you be?

You either want to cover your legs or you don’t; it is either too hot to wear a pair of cotton pants or it is not. Make your mind up. And yes, perhaps it is the best to stay in the middle path with regards to a few things, but trust me (someone who does not have any fashion degree, or fashion knowledge, but who DOES have eyes and more sense than all of you sheep combined) this philosophy does not apply to the capris.

The part that I hate more than having to someone wear capris in my presence is when people come up with new names for this fashion atrocity; I heard this really huge fashionista (rhymes a bit too much with fascist for my taste) describe her hideous capris as “Oh no, they’re not capris, these are pedal pushers.� Lady, if I don’t see you pushing any pedals, I better not see you wearing pedal pushers. So now what? It is cool to come up with new names for the same vulgar (not in the nudist sense, but in the fashion eyesore sense) piece of cloth, I get that, but please for the sake of my sanity (and for the preservation of the term fashion) stop putting all your imagination to use for naming this eyesore new names every day.

One might argue that some people look good in it, but another might argue that in the words of the famous Blackadder the 2nd, you use your weekly turn with that single family brain cell of yours and, stop, in the name of fashion.