Live In

“The world outside the campus is very cruel. There are people who pass sarcastic remarks or start giving patronizing advice regarding my job, career, potential marriage� she told as they sat together in the canteen of the college. Last year she had finished her PhD thesis and is yet waiting for a suitable placement while there are less qualified persons who are doing call-centre jobs, earning and living independent lives.

“But I do not want to be caught in a relationship which I will regret later� she said.

“Sometimes, one has to make a move, otherwise, you will keep thinking all your life� one friend, a few years more experienced pushed her as the Samosas and Lassi came.

“One of my friends had a live-in relationship with a guy for eight years, but it did not work out, and they went their separate ways,� she continued.

“In the western countries this is more acceptable, urban India is also seeing these relations but what are the support structures in a patriarchal society after her prime is over� he expanded on this theme further even as some other friends started calling him “old-fashioned.�

“I have seen some relations through the decades. In my place of work in the Arab world they have a saying-Everyone wants to go out with her-but no one wants to marry her. Do you want to become like that?�

As they walked through the campus, over fallen leaves, he told of how some women are led into believing they are advanced and emancipated if they choose the ‘live-in’ option only to find themselves being used and then dumped a few years down the line.

“There is a friend of mine who tells of how Christian western societies have seen the marriage institution come under severe strain while these structures are preserved to a certain extent in Muslim societies,� another friend recalled a conversation she had had on this with a friend. She does not agree with everything which this Muslim friend says, but she does see a point in what he is trying to say, having seen several such cases.

“Let me tell you briefly, the life-story and developments of two friends over the decades� he said as they walked through the corridors of the campus, all silent on a Sunday evening, with lots of posters and rosters but lacking the hustle-bustle of a routine working day.

“You are an adult, just as these two were in their prime. You listen and decide,� he said, keeping the question open.

***

Dosho Moya- (My Love-In Serbio-Croatian)

“Because I did this sin, they will never bury me� she said, with tears flowing down her eyes on a quiet evening as she remembered a trip to Macedonia 23 years ago.

“How my milk was flowing, as I went to terminate my pregnancy, to Macedonia. My father would have killed me, so I caught the bus straight from the airport to the province of Macedonia, where I had some medical contacts who had arranged everything.�

She was in a live in relation with another expatriate, who was married, but living away from his family.

“He never had an issue in his 17 years of marriage. The baby he had from me, was never to see the world. This is the irony of our lives� she continued as she remembered those heady days of youth when you see the whole life ahead of you.

“I used to call him –Dosho Moya� (My love-In Serbio Croatian). “But after the trip to Macedonia, I realized the weakness of our relationships. He will remain my Dosho Moha forever, but it was never the same again. We drifted apart. He went back to Germany.�

“Now over two decades down the line I sometimes think of my ‘boy’ and how strong, tall and handsome he would have been. This sin will be a scar on my soul forever. He would have been 23 now.�

She is lonely. All her life, she has been in live-in relations with different expatriates who have left after their tenures are over, leaving some sweet and not-so-sweet memories.

As she grows older, things have changed. Loneliness and nostalgia in an uneven mix, depending on her mood.

***

Nimoy Molimte Yerya Volimte
(No Please-I Love you- In Serbo-Croatian)

Tuition fees for my grandson.

“I am doing this extra part time job to be able to give the tuition fees of my grandson, who is the child of my daughter’s first marriage,� one other friend told about her afternoon shifts after her morning duties.

“Though her second husband looks after both the children well, I know that after his own son grows up, there may be possible differences. This is the way of the world and I do not want my grandson to suffer,� she continued her introspection.

She has seen life, she too separated from her husband, a drunkard and womanizer, and raised her daughter single handedly against many odds. Her daughter got married, had a son, but left her abusive husband, has been married again and has a son from her second marriage as well.

“My grandson is the focus of my life. No Please! I Love you!-Nimoy Molimte Yerya Volimte- Please do not thank me for the efforts I do for this child. He is my focus in life and has helped me grow as a human being.� The proud grandmother does not liked being thanked for her efforts.

***
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. These words of Rosa Luxembourg written on the walls of the campus evoked different meanings for the persons who walked past, having taken part in this discussion on marriage, family, live-in relations and the role of stability and focus in life which go with the choices which one makes in life.

“What do you think now?� he asked. “ These ladies are from European societies where such relations are more common and have been existing longer than in urban settings of the Indian subcontinent. But the way things are progressing, one day, these issues will be faced closer home. And life is not so long that one can learn from only one’s own mistakes. One has to learn and grow by learning from the experiences of others too.�

She was not as sure of herself as she had been a few hours earlier.