Thereek-e-Televiban: A Short History

Thereeka-e-Televiban (TT) – also called the Cable TV-Mujahids- is a militant organization operating in the cities of Pakistan. It is a collection of various radical groups propagating religious tolerance through the killing of heretics and the restoration of an independent judiciary through the impeachment of assorted Presidents and bad renditions of revolutionary poetry and free-style wrestling.

The TT was formed in 2001, but it expanded into a large organization through divine intervention when in 2005 God invoked a devastating earthquake in Kashmir due to the people's liking for Indian movies and locally brewed delicacies. This is when TT gained a burst of popularity and attention, using the occasion to galvanize the people to send medical aid and food to the affected victims and to repent, repent, repent!

Though TT is made up of a number of organizations, four large groups make up its main leadership. This is so because these groups are able the raise the biggest amounts of corporate funds due to their admirable and passionate concern for the country's political, social, economic, cultural, moral, sporting, judicial, nuclear, digital, physical, mental, intellectual, psychological, physiological, geographical, biological, chemical and puritanical state. To tackle these TT work's through its deep philosophy and ideology that claims that "the object is never objective just like a subject is always subjective." Of course, anyone disagreeing is an infidel on the payroll of Asif Ali Zardari, Barek Obama and Madonna.

TT's biggest weapon is a devastating exploding devise. It is called the Chattering-Bomb. It is constructed in assorted TV studios through tons of anarchic talking, cheesy innuendos, fact-free gibberish, passionate paranoia, compassionate naivety and awe-inspiring gossip. When these ineffectual, I mean, intellectual compounds are mixed they generate a reactionary effect that helps produce the most vital chemical used in the making of the Chattering-Bomb: Nausea.

So, unlike conventional exploding devises that go "ka-boom," the Chattering-Bombs go "ka-blugghhh!!"

TT has a number of heroes in its ranks. But this historian will not take their names out of fear that they might conduct a suicide attack on the author and go "ka-blaggghh!" all over his brand new shirt that he recently brought from Dubai for a whooping 140 Dirhams. But I must add that the Chattering-Bomb is a fascinatingly unique devise because it may kill the victim but never the bomber. It only makes him fatter and louder.

Another effective weapon that TT possess is intriguingly called Choti se break. Though its immediate translation is "a short break," but this weapon's technical name is Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. This devise pops more than explodes, both suddenly and rudely. Interestingly, though it is effective in causing little peptic ulcers in infidels ( also called viewers), these bombs are actually firecrackers exploded by TT to celebrate the raising of funds through corporate sponsorship. Mind you, there is nothing choti (short) about these firecrackers. Their fuse maybe short but the break that they induce in the infidels' patience can be devastatingly long. Some Coatis Commercialus Interruptus devises have also been known to have turned infidels into rotting skeletons held on to their sofas only by a spider's web.

However, the most violent weapon of the TT remains to be a devise called the Breaking News Grenade. It is actually a small size version of the Chattering-Bomb. It is indiscriminately hurled at infidels even more suddenly and rudely than the Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. Though highly destructive, the Breaking News Grenade is surprisingly made with nothing more than hot air! Thus, this grenade makes a lot of noise and is mainly used to impede an infidel's senses and bring everything come to a stand still, making him feel that the Day of Judgment has arrived and it's time to repent, repent, repent!

Over the years TT has gathered great power, presence and popcorn. It believes that a revolution is at hand in Pakistan and that it is TT that will be bleeding it, I mean, leading it. That's why most TT leaders are wonderful speechmakers, passionately speeching instead of speaking, gallantly deforming instead of informing, and declaring jihad against heretical infidel concepts of objectivity and common sense.

"Revolutions are not made through objectivity and common sense," said one of its leaders while preparing a mesala-dosa with the host on a cooking show. "Well," said the host, "at the moment we are making mesala-dosa and not revolution."

Incensed by the comment the TT hero hurled a Breaking News Grenade at the cooking show host, accusing her of stealing manhole lids of Karachi in collaboration with PPP and MQM jiyalas that is helping fund ISI, CIA and KFC's war on terror against innocent shepherds in Swat. He then exploded a Chattering-Bomb after shouting repent, repent, repent before slipping in a long Coatis Commercialus Interruptus to complete his gallant mission against mesala-dosa infidels.

Contrary to popular belief, the TT has a lighter and a tad more liberal side to it as well. It has a cultural wing consisting of (albeit irritating) sirens in shape of trendy looking androids that are fed burgers and French fries to further fatten their complete ignorance of reality and talk in strange tongues and languages also called "minglish," "rap-slang," and "Hinglish." In other words, anything but English or Urdu. The idea is to use these androids to penetrate the cults of dumb brunettes and earring-wearing bozos amongst the infidels and convert them towards the TT's cause. One of the biggest successes in this respect has been the conversion of Ahmed Ali Kurd who was once an uncaring, burger-popping DJ at a Quetta disco. Today he is a hero of the TT. Speaking on the issue, Kurd said: "Yo, man, like, I was a no-good dude, until the TT picked me up, and, like, far out, man … repent, repent, repent!"

TT's history has been short but eventful. It believes it is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I mean, intellectual meltdown, I mean political showdown with the infidels that will lead to a glorious Islamic/Marxist/Democratic/Judicial/Fundamentalist/Liberal/Bollywoodist revolution that will save Pakistan from the wrath of God, George, Gog, Magog and Rheman Malik's curly hair.