Torture me, hurt me, yes...yes...YES!!!

The masochist rejoices...aaah ecstasy! wha? is it over already?
He sits perched on the edge of the bed in another seedy hotel, dragging on an endless string of cancer sticks, from my corner under the sheets I gaze despondently at the countless butts sticking out of the ashtray, a miniature stone henge, 'I must've been pretty amazing if he needs to smoke so many' I muse to myself.
At some point, time ceases to have any meaning in this tomb of bricks and mortar that seems to be caving in on me from all sides- he turns over to me, a shadow crosses his face...must be something he ate? Thank God he can't blame me for that, even if he seems hell bent on blaming me for all his other problems. A nice little mutually dependent relationship we got going here, a lot of back & forth, a lot of give & take, blaming each other for everything....nice!
must be the way I was looking at him then.
'I'm a bad guy' a revelation, hallelujah!
'ummmm....okay'
'I'm a really bad guy, you know that, don't you?'
yes? no? what is he expecting me to say, really?
'I'm like the textbook Mr. wrong'
'really? well okay then! glad we got that bit cleared up!'
the more perceptive of you would notice he launches into his self righteous little tirade AFTER we were done! after I have no way out, receded into a corner with my back against the wall.
A tinny distant sound starts abruptly, I speculate as to the origin, seems to be coming from the general direction of the rundown old bedside table. It sounds like a musical rendition of 'satisfaction'. I scratch my nose and wonder if I actually might be going insane and instead of voices in my head I hear musical ditties?
Turns out it's just his cell phone, he turns towards the sound, near about jumps out of his skin when he sees me there, gives me a look that says 'oh, you're still here?', looks annoyed for a moment then shrugs and says 'hand me the phone, will you?'
'no, seems like too much work'
I stretch out lazily, suddenly not feeling the over whelming affection I seem to have felt a while ago, why am I even here?
He gets the phone himself, I drag my ragged nails, bitten down to mere stubs, against the bed post. Asound like a million cats going into simultaneous labor, while someone proceeds to step on their tails, ensues. I just want a reaction out of him, I want him to yell, scream, rant, rave....anything! God, spare me the indifference!
'show me emotion, tra la la la la la
show me emotion tra la la la la la'
remember that old song? I might have taken a bit of creative license there though.
He arches an eyebrow 'what are you doing?'
'dragging my nails against the bed post' (duh!)
'ummmm....why?'
It's my turn to shrug 'it's something to do'
He stubs out another stick of nicotine and tar enveloped in paper, an early death sentence 'ready to go?'
I saunter off towards the bathroom, aware of him watching, not really caring, indifference can be such an ego boost
reapply my lipstick and run a brush through my hair, he's still lounging on the bed, flipping channels, dressed only in jeans.
'you are so sexy, let me lick your feet'
I recall an oh-so-naive me whispering in blushed reverence. was I ever that innocent and scared? a fledgling seeking shelter under his huge wings. Worshiping an aloof, fake golden idol...kneel before your god, babylon!
'I'll drop you home' he offers generously
'don't bother, I'll geta taxi'
'we can get dinner on the way'
I lack the energy to attempt a half-hearted argument so i succumb as usual, lletting him have his way, i start plodding dejectedly towards his car, not really bothering to check whether or not he follows.
At some point he says to me 'you look cute pissed'
I honor him with a wan smile, a token of my appreciation for his effort. Is that supposed to make up for all that he lacks?
'acha na yaar, ab naraz na ho, aap bun jao meri gf'
what the fuck?? did i hear him right? how full of yourself do you have to be to come up with that little golden nugget? he talks about himself, himself ans surprisingly...himself!
I nod and smile, just nod and smile.
At the back of my mind I'm thinking how can someone I despise, a pompous ass so full of himself it's not even funny, look so adorable when he smiles? ....a sucker for punishment, that's me!
In the car he starts to sing- not very well, mind you, anything to get away from the stifling silence- terribly off key and with the lyrics all messed up to boot!
'dil haray pukaray sapnay'
I burst out laughing, relieved I'm still capable, I thought I'd lost the ability!
He looks at me quizzically, an eyebrow arched in that lovable way of his.
'love, if you must sing, and I did say must, you can either be off key or you can put your poetic license to use, but surely there oughta be some law against doing both at the same time!'
Outside my house he waits for me to get off, choosing not to look my way when I do.
One last ditch effort, I lean over to kiss him, he turns hi face away and I end up kissing the air. well I feel sheepish! baaa!
He starts tinkering with his cell phone, these boys and their toys!
I grope for the door handle, the world a blur, I blink furiously, he will NOT have that power over me! I stumble towards my door, his cell phone trills 'hey baby!'
I laugh at my folly and pretend I'm still laughing