He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

What are we doing? Here we are spending most of our time together. Endless hours spent talking about everything under the sun, and yet you insist on having no strings attached. We have even had moments when we almost stumbled onto intimacy. I am sitting on the windowsill of my room gazing out at the infinite darkness around me. The night sky soothes my aching senses as if I am somehow closer to the Creator. I am still trying to make some sense out of our relationship. I know we are very close, but sometimes we are quibbling like siblings, on other occasions comfortable like friends and very rarely, lost like lovers. Whenever I am certain of one form, there is a new feeling flowing between us. When I come closer and caress you, you move away as if I have trespassed my limits in friendship. Yet, when I keep my distance and act formal, you fight like a jealous husband. What are we doing? I have the same dilemma. Whenever I am with you, I want to be everything to you but when you walk away I have this urge to hurt you deeply and badly. Everyone knows that we belong with each other but no one knows in what capacity. Our friends ask us if something is going on and most importantly I ask myself if you are the one for me. Are we too close to be intimate? A part of my heart is scared of losing a friend while finding a lover. And I feel that you might be facing the same fear.

Sitting in this darkness helps me pull out random memories from the years we have spent together. We have always enjoyed our solitude. Whenever we have people around us we become uncomfortable and awkward. That is one very unique thing we share because we are neither shy nor unfriendly. It’s as if we don't want to share our time with anyone else. Now I’m smiling because I can remember so many times when we have quarreled over this very issue. Usually I am the culprit because my friend list exceeds yours and you hate to share 'our time' with other people. When we are together, time ceases to exist. We have spent hours at a stretch talking about random things. I am surprised at my own eloquence when I am around you. Memories seem to slide out of the darkest recesses of my mind when I am with you. I am amazed at the things that I have shared with you. I am a very private person and my inherent trust in you is truly beyond belief for anyone who knows me. As for you, I know that many things you say and do with me have been spoken for the first time in your life, and you took a long time adjusting to this weakness in yourself. The funniest thing is that I cannot remember any conversation at all, yet I know there is very little that we haven't talked about. Perhaps my memory had too many things to process for later reminiscence and words seemed unimportant at the time. I even tried saving the sound of your voice to figure out why it soothes me so. In the worst of times just hearing you speak has made me feel better. You must be smiling. I am such an emotional and dramatic person! I know.

Remember when I told you I cannot eat with strangers and I usually play with my food until it’s time to leave. For me, sharing food is a very personal thing. You were shaken so badly because you realized that I had actually never eaten with you and you always ended up lecturing me on how I waste my food. The first day you made me eat something like a child still makes me giggle. It’s been a long time since childhood and no one has force fed me ever since. And then slowly we became so comfortable that we could eat out of the same platter. Your love of food still makes my heart flutter. I adore watching you eat like a spoilt schoolboy. The little things that you remembered like how I take my coffee made me feel loved. And I kept a mental note of what you liked. I can still feel the curve of your lips when I wiped the crumbs off them. In that one moment I wanted so much more. I wish I had not asked your permission, but then the look in your eyes that day made me stop. I knew that if I cross a line, you won't be able to hold yourself back anymore. But we never talked about that moment again. What happened that day? Tell me how you felt and why did you look away?

So many times we have held hands, leaned on each other and even cried together. I have never done this with anyone else and I feel this is the first time for you as well. You have been there for me in every way possible. All I had to do was ask and you would come running from work. Whenever I was upset you could sense it over the phone. I have started depending on you so much that whenever I’m in trouble, I call you without a thought in my head. I feel I am in love with you even though I am afraid to talk about this. I realized this when we had our first argument and I cried incessantly. Only someone you love so much can hurt you so badly. You held me close for so long and I didn't want to let go. And the very next instant you made me laugh. That makes me think of another day when I said that I might have feelings for you and you were so angry. I remember the pelting rain, the ugly argument and the deep, heavy burden in my heart. I remember walking in the rain so that no one could see me crying. Sitting in the shadows I covered my face with my hands and wept till my eyes were sore. Despite the fight, you called me to ask if I had gone home and were okay. I was so rude to you even though I felt like begging you to stay. I did not sleep for so many nights after that. I swore to myself that I would not talk to you anymore. And when we met, I didn't even remember that we were angry at each other. You hugged me and said that you cannot lose me. Tell me how can you love me so much and not let me love you back? Why do you hurt me so cruelly and then try to protect me from the pain? When my heart says you love me, my head refuses to believe it! Tell me, for my sake how you feel about me.

Tonight, I am gazing at a sky full of stars for it reminds me of another night when we sat there talking about love and relationships. There was a cool breeze blowing in my hair and you played thoughtlessly with my locks. I said stargazing reminds me of my childhood when me and my siblings would make shapes out of constellations in the night sky. You said that it was too romantic for you to share with me. I frowned and sat further away from you saying that sitting together was also too intimate. I remember the look in your eyes when you pulled me closer. I thought you were going to kiss me. I wanted you to. But you just hugged me and smiled. I want to spend the rest of my life looking at night skies and teasing you about that moment. I want to tell you so many things that I’ve never said to anyone in my life. I want to see the twinkle in your eyes as you play with my hair. I want to know once and for all if you love me and will be mine forever. I love you in so many ways that I will need a lifetime to express how I feel. So I need to know your feelings as soon as possible. Save me from this pain and let me rejoice in whatever remains, be it love or friendship. Do you love me or not?