That Peculiar Feeling Of Falling Out Of Love

Beautiful verses have been said through the ages about falling in love. The process of falling in love has inspired all art forms; poetry, music, theater and of course the movies. A lot has been written about painful break ups also. The beautiful sad songs, one likes to listen when in a melancholy mood, have all been sighs of broken hearts. But what about the gradual change of heart. Not a violent heart wrenching break up which is originated out of some drastic event; but a slow slipping away of love. There is mystery in both processes, we don’t know what makes humans fall in love and neither do we know what really makes them grow apart. Theories are abundant and relationship columnists around the world make good living out of their theorizing on this issue.

But even without knowing the whys, the how of the process can be felt along the way. The all so heart melting smile of the sweetheart will start to look quite ordinary. The once hilarious jokes of the lover will become a tad irksome. Her touch is no longer exhilarating, and his sexy voice is now just “nice”. All the earlier turn-ons will sort of lose their voltage. But most of the time the lovers will not acknowledge that this is happening, particularly if they have already tied the knot. Over the years we have all sung huge praises of love, and it is hard to digest the fact that sometime love just fades away. Sometimes the marriage itself creates a lot of baggage and can actually expedite the fading away, but even couples who are in a courtship phase, the supposedly blissful state, can simply fall out of love.

I know of a recently engaged couple, they met in school and have liked each other for years. They will be getting married in one year, but they have started experiencing slight uneasiness, which they do not want to acknowledge. There are signs of latent irritations with each other’s eccentricities and tastes. She doesn’t like her fiancé’s preoccupation with his car, which by the way holds sweet memories for her also; and he jokes about her habit of crying at the slightest pretext. They have also discovered that they like very different type of movies and music. Actually earlier each one used to play along with the other’s choices, but now when the commitment is upon them the differences are being magnified. Still they have not considered backing out, they cannot conceive that the uneasiness they both are feeling could be the first signs of falling out of love. I don’t know for sure how things will work out for them in the end, may be they will rediscover the love for each other or may be the current state will become the standard pattern in their marital relationship.

The arts and the society do not tell us how to deal with the feeling of falling out of love. Sometime we get a solid excuse, for example the partner cheated, there was physical abuse, or the in-laws were cruel and interfering. But at times there is no coherent reason for not feeling the same love for the partner what one had at an earlier time. Many will try to find imaginary faults in the partner; saner individuals will introspect into their own minds. It is scary and confusing, but the at the back of the mind they know it is happening. So what to do people do in a situation like this? I would say that ninety percent of people will do nothing. They look at other ties that bind them to their partner, and decide that it is in fact worth living in a loveless relationship. The fiancée for example will weigh in the guy’s career, his good family background, and his overall pleasant nature. In case of a marriage, children are the strongest ties to keep the couple together; and even when no children are involved, the number of years together, the intertwined finances, and household comforts are ties that keep them together. Some optimistic ones hope that at a future time the old feelings will return, and they will truly have the happily ever after ending. Yet there are no guarantees on this account as well.

And how the other ten percent behave? They are the ones who take the problem head-on; they try to do all the right things the relationship columnists preach. They have long open communication sessions, may also go to therapy, and will read self help books. The irony is that these people may not end up any better at all. The open communication with the spouse can actually back fire in a big way, because they will be defining the simmering uneasiness as actual lack of love. How the spouse react to that is very tricky to estimate. However, I am not discounting open communication altogether, neither I believe one should not try to address the situation. It is just that the partner initiating that “Love or lack thereof talk” needs to realize that the conversation can go both ways. The outcome may not be to his/her liking at all.

Why do we resist from acknowledging, even to ourselves, that we are no longer in love. Besides the ties that bind, there is that fear of the unknown. Once we find our partner, we have been programmed by our upbringing that this would be our mate for life. That partner, no matter how we eventually end up feeling, does provide a kind of stability in our life. And as falling out of love does not mean hating the person, there is a fair chance that there is plenty of goodwill between the two people. By acknowledging that we do not love our partner, we acknowledge the possibility of losing this stability and an amicable existence. Instead we expose ourselves to an uncertain future with very real possibility that we will never find love again. The choice thus becomes quite obvious, i.e. staying on.