The Maze

Somebody help me! I screamed inside. I was in a strange maze...a labyrinth where every instant I heard a voice in my head,
"Which way? Left or right?" I never made a decision. My feet just went on and on. Every time it was the same query and at
every turn I damned my indecision. Someone tell me! Why am I so lost? What am I looking for?

"Wake up Sleeping Beauty, the Prince has arrived!" In the roaring laughter, I felt color stain my cheeks. Shit, there they go
again! Here I am among people of my own "breed" and yet a complete stranger. As I often say, we doctors are not simply a
kind of people, we are a new race. People lost in a dying and a diseased world.

Only, others do not worry as much as I do. I
left the doctor's duty room, with a meek smile on my lips. I crossed the Medicine Ward - Hepatitis, Liver Absyss, Asthma,
Ascites, etc. All the patients were either bed number so and so or were just known by their ailments. I wished for the
millionth time that we doctors could treat patients as people and not as diseases.Tsk, tsk. Entering the passageway that lead
out of the main hospital building, I walked past wretched relatives infesting the entire path. Sitting on the floor these families
were waiting for their "visiting time"; waiting to be seen and heard. Swearing under my breath I left. Developing nations of
the Third World...what a joke!

I was so shattered and shaken. It wasn't life that had betrayed me; It wasn't love either. I had always inspired for the best.. I
always won! I was in a place I loved, with people I cared for and with a life of my own liking. I must be mad not to be
contented.. ..but..I wasn't happy. I was living in a dream, where I could sense everything but passively. Circumstances were
thrust upon me and I just stood to bear it. People around me became blurred faces, their conversation became distant echoing
sounds and Madly I searched for something..but what? I was shaking. I cradled my face in my hands and sat down. I felt a
hand on my shoulder. "Put yourself together child. These things happen here everyday. If we lose heart who will heal the
world?" It was Dr. Bilal. He saw me break six days ago. All my life I lived in the illusion of being a healer; waiting to bring
health and happiness to the World. I had seen many dead people. I lived among the diseased ones. But..but I had never seen a
man die before! He was there, talking to me; and then we lost him. CPR, cardiac massage, etc were nothing, just random
procedures; but then, from words in the text they transformed into a real life drama. The man was with me a minute ago, then
his eyes clouded and turned dark and he wouldn't say anything. He was telling me what he'd do when he is discharged from
the hospital, about his children and then he turned flaccid. I took his hand in mine..no pulse. What? People don't just die, do
they? And if they do then why the hell do we have hospitals? Technically, he should have resuscitated; tragically, it didn't
happen. Ten minutes of CPR was confirmatory. My head was so light. I can't faint; not here; not now; How will I tell his
family? My face was wet. My hands were cold and clammy. I was shivering. I didn't faint...but I never recovered either.

Talking to that patient I was a confident, happy-go-lucky doctor with the dream of a brilliant future. A tomorrow where my
name was a barrier between life and death. Leaving that room I was completely empty handed. In our profession, doubt is a
dead weight that carries you to the bottom of the sea. I drowned six days ago! It wasn't my fault that he died. But I was guilty
of being there and not making a difference. He and his family looked up to me, and I let them down. I do not deserve to be
honoured, if I cannot uphold that confidance. Maybe these things happen everyday and most of us live with it; but I can never
live with this burden on my chest and a man's bood on my hands. I thought this was my Destiny..I am talented and was never
made to follow the crowd. I am here to make a world of difference. Where everyone's impossibilities hit the peak, my
ambitions begin. Then, why did I lose without a fight? Why did I let him die in my care?I do not deserve to be trusted with
people's lives; I..."Doctor, bed number 17 is very serious, please.." I rushed to the ICU. The patient was gasping desperately. I
whispered under my breath..Cardiac Failure. Then he simply turned flaccid and stopped breathing. I screamed, "Not another
mortality on my hands!!" I started giving him a CPR, while shouting random orders for the rest to follow. Fifteen minutes
passed, I was drenched in perspiration, I heard voices behind me "it's over!" "We've lost him, let him go" I clenched my teeth
with a desperate prayer, God please.. one last try and he gasped and breathed. My head was light. I saved him. I got even with
life. I saved one man that others had given up on! I was the happiest person on Earth...I fainted!

From that day onwards I always have a secretive smile on my face. A sense of satisfaction that says I'll stick around until I can
achieve all that I aspired--not wealth; neither fame; but only an assurity that I have the power to heal. Though I have not
reached my goal, but I am contented and sometimes its far more important to be satisfied than to be happy. I am still lost in
this strange maze but now I know what I am looking for!