No Laughing Matter

Hail Hitler, my friends, the superior race still lives on. Just that it has been cloaked under a more civil garb now. And it doesn’t beat up the darker skinned people when they are on the ground, helpless; it just calls them “cheats”. And in case one from the white clan is found to be on the wrong side of the law, the superior race all gangs up together to defend its own kind.

It is probably a sad day when we find ourselves celebrating somebody’s miseries. But the sad fact remains that the events of the last few days have forced even the most placid humanist like me to take pleasure in the conundrums that Hansie Cronje finds himself today. And to delight in the tongue-twisting excuses that the white press now presents to cover up its own initial biased reportage as they scrambled to protect the white boy from these brown conspiracies. And of course the egg smeared on Steven Waugh’s face at least covers up the fractured nose he endured in Sri Lanka. Bhey iss larkae nae to hamaree naak hee katwaa dee hae.

I don’t even know how to relate the events of the last few days as the cricket world was shocked by the stunning news of the Indian police’s intransigence. To accuse Hansie Cronje and his associates of match-fixing? Tsk tsk tsk. Won’t these funny guys in the brown knickers ever learn their lessons? How many times do our learned friends in the English and Australian press have to tell us that it is the BROWN man who takes bribes to lose games. It is they who chuck, never the fair complexioned ones. But still the Indian bobbies had to come up and produce all of this. They never learn do they?

And then to accuse Hansie of dishonesty? Tsk. Don’t they know that he is a born again Christian --- how can he do something dishonest? Now if the Pakistani press had ever said that Salim Malik is a Namazi, and therefore couldn’t have betted – that would have been just a sign of their myopic stupidity. But when white man brings out such equally feeble-minded arguments to defend their own, it is important that the brown men strive to understand the greater logic behind these logically obvious facts.

Of course the press didn’t waste any time discrediting the findings of the Indian police. Hours into the breaking of the scandal the allegations had already been labeled as the “so-called allegations” and the media had started attacking the veracity of the sources. Of course the fact that their boy has finally been caught with his finger in the pie is a fact that the press will undoubtedly waste no time in forgetting. Long live erasable short-lived memories. After all there are so many more brown men who have to be accused, maligned and pilloried. I mean what would the world do without the ever vigilant white press to protect us from all these conspiracy-hatching brownies anyway?

And why cant these stupid brownies understand that bookies all over the world pay the white men money – not to fix the game but just to get weather information. Heck if I were a white cricketer, I’d stop practicing and make a killing just telling the bookies about the weather. And I’ll tell you something else brown boy!! Whoever thinks that those perfectly pure boys, Warne and Waugh were doing anything beyond weather-forecasting is nothing but a conspiracy mongers.

So once again the score is white boys 1 and brown boys 0. You can slice and dice it anyway you want, the noble race is the pure race – incapable of mistakes and errors. That is probably why those guys are sitting there laughing about it while the brown men in the khaki chaddis run around trying to gather more evidence. Relax you can laugh now Mr. Cronje, you are safe. Arae bhaee “Hansie” saahab aur zor sae “Hansie”.