Closet

I am not a homosexual and never met any homo.

It’s all started when futilely surfing on Internet fetched me on “humjinsparast.com” a Pakistani electronic magazine (Ezine) for gay and lesbian community in Pakistan. I was not aware of existence of any such community in my country, but now I know there is sizeable community that does exist. The humjinsparast.com contains articles related to homosexuality and related matters, written by young breed living in various parts of the country. One of the article caught my attention is “Twisting Society” written by someone called Khurram. I found following Para of the article very interesting and very true. Mr. Khurram writes:

"Homosexuality is not allowed in our society as Islam has prohibited gay sex for various reasons. People are very strict that homosexuality is a western curse and our society should remain out of this disease. The question arises in my mind that why people are only against the homosexuality. Today if we just look our society behavior I can’t find it more double standard in case of homosexuality then any other time. Now a day’s people openly discuss their various adultery experiences with girls then any other time but I am not allowed to discuss my homosexual experience. Lets consider the simple example if I am sitting in bunch of my straight friends and telling them my recent sexual encounter with a young girl, I am sure they would listen to me with their best concentration and I could also see pride for me in their eyes. Most of them would ask me the technique to fit in my shoe. No one of them would tell me that I have committed a sin which forgiveness is not likely. However, if I start telling them about my recent sexual experience with a cute boy, their face will get blank with shock and after a couple of minute I would be sitting alone. They would leave me and I would be thinking what the hell happened. I was great when I was having sex with girl but now I am disgusting for them, although I could assure them that boy was far cute and irresistible then the girl. These days’ people love to talk about sex but talking homosexuality put locks on their mouth. Like I have every liberty to talk about Lahore’s Diamond Market and Karachi’s Napier Road but cant talk about our favorite Frare Hall (a place in Karachi for gay’s meeting). “

Obviously the above extract raises some questions about Khurram’s writing skills but it also addresses questions spawning in the mind of a gay person living in so called Muslim society like Pakistan. I decided to email him to know more about his thoughts towards the society. After exchanging couple of mails and stating my purpose of this dialogue he agreed to make out with me.

Khurram Ali, 27 years old living in Gulshen e Iqbal, Karachi, considers himself as a complete gay, has involved in many sexual encounters, which include, assault, harassment and pleasure. As per him since the age of sixteen he knew something wrong with him, however by the age of 22 he realized that there is nothing wrong with him except the fact that he is gay. Now he doesn’t consider himself as different to any other person, he wrote “I eat, sleep, and take shower like other people, I fast, I hardly miss and Friday prayers, why I consider myself different from other people. I am no different to any Muslim heterosexual, so what if I am Gay.” I asked him if he thinks he is no different then why does he not tell other people so they can suck it up, specially his family. The reply I received from him was like this “LOL(Laughs Out Loud). It would be a social suicide, and you know suicide is haram in Islam”. When I sought his views on Islam and homosexuality relations. He replied “he completely honor Islam’s teaching about this and has no intentions to argue any one”. When I argued about his involvement in sex although Islam doesn’t allow sex with same gender. He again laughed at me “ Oh, you straight people you don’t leave any chance to pick on us, how I make you believe that I am a normal person like any Muslim heterosexual, what about you people, you all never done any adultery, of course most of you did. Hey, we all are same; we make mistakes. “

So what does he think of Islam’s prohibition of gay sex?

“I don’t know, I am not a cleric, I completed Koran at the age of six and after that read it dozen of times in Ramadan. However, I have only managed to read it twice with translation, and the translation I read clearly says sex with same sex not allowed, but it doesn’t mean that Islam is denying existence of homosexuality. It does exist but its practice is banned. I think Islam has its own reasons to do this, the reason I can think of is the creation of idyllic society. Obviously sex with same gender will create social disorder, it’s like banning the marriages with sisters, because it would disturbed the whole model of living which Islam thinks is best for us.”

What is his complain to the society?

“First, the society should accept that homosexuality as natural phenomena, stop treating homosexuals as freaks and pervert. People have no idea that how many teenage and young dudes living in the closet. They all are looking for the answers but our cleric, scholars, intellectuals etc don’t want to discuss this subject. All homosexuals go through with the same phase of sexual frustration like others after hitting the puberty, but they don’t even allowed to talk about it. They try very hard to fantasize themselves with opposite sex but fail to do so. All this inside struggle most of the time damage their personality and they end up absorbing various complexes. Society should stop using Islam as Taboo on homosexuality. Most of the new homosexual breed considers Islam as a religion of close ends that failed to provide the answers. They also believe that our Mullah’s claim about Islam as complete religion is also a phony and the homosexuals totally missed out in it. Some Islamic scholars do need to teach these youth that Islam has never overlooked their breed but want them to differentiate between love and sex. The sad thing of the whole episode is that no clerics, scholars and intellectual want to discuss this topic, you will be considered disgusting if you bring this up for discussion. The only dialogue they able to make are with people living abroad who are asking them to promote sexual independence in Pakistan.”

He ever thought to tell his family about his sexual orientation?

“You must be kidding, I belong to traditional Pakistani family and I love them, for me nothing important then my family. Haroon Baig left Karachi at the age of fifteen for studying abroad; he is been living in California for past fourteen years, very impressed with US society and believing in philosophy that I am what I am told his parents about his sexual behavior and refused to marry his cousin. As per Baig there is no single day since then when his parents don’t blame themselves for Haroon’s sins. Now Haroon become a disgrace for them. I have exchanged many emails from my community brothers living in UK and USA etc. All the time they ask us living in Pakistan to feel proud being gay, come out of closet and revealed our identity. It’s very easy for them although most of them didn’t come out themselves. We are not living in UK and US, I don’t want my country to become Netherlands and Denmark and I want to live in my Pakistan. These liberals want Pakistani society to think and act like free world without realizing its consequences. They also have to realize that western society didn’t become free world in one day and Pakistani society is not ready to do so. The Muslim Pakistani society has to travel a lot in terms to level with the free world. I am not ready to give up my family and my social circle so I can feel proud being gay.”

Do you think society ever change its behavior about homos?

“I don’t foresee it in near future which is little surprising for me, most easy excuse society has is Islam, but I don’t see that idealistic Islamic society around me. Islam is also banning normal adultery, murders, corruption, interest etc. If society can live with these sins, what’s wrong in living with homosexuality? Do we get rid of all those sins? I think not, so if we can live with so many sins around us, one more will not bring any harm. I personally believe if we don’t feel ashamed having cases like Meerawala Jataoi gang raped, then there is no reason for society to feel embarrass having homosexuals around them. ”

In coming days where you see yourself?

“Well, I think in couple of year you will see me marrying to some innocent Pakistani girl. We have so many homosexual married in our society, who destroyed their own life along with the girl, but I am not going to be that one and I am quite sure about it. If i marry to someone then I’ll try my best to be a good husband and father. I can see many married men searching on Internet, looking for other men to sleep with. Their wives and kids still don’t have any idea about that. The question arises why they got married if they have to cheat on their wives, as per them the society and family didn’t give them any choice. May be they are right, but if I decide to follow the only way out I am sure I’ll not be like this. Our foreign friends, always advise us to form some kind of gay liberation movement in Pakistan, they also talk about gay marriages and adopting child by gay couples. On their advices, I can only smile because I think my life is more then being a proud gay”.

I never met Khurram, I really want to meet him but I am too afraid like our clerics, scholars and intellectuals to have any link with homosexuals. Khurram is not one personality; obviously there are thousands of Khurram out there with their conflicting minds sitting in the darkness of the closet looking for the light. I am afraid they have to stay in the closet, as I don’t see any light out there for them.