The Immoral Family

A backwards society stresses loyalty to the family despite the family’s behavior. I get a taste of this morality whenever I dare to criticize my country or my religion. I am told "Ghar ki baat, bahar walon ko na batao" (the talk of the house should not be revealed outside). At other times my uncle calls me from Australia and says "Changez Khan nay kaha, jo apnon ka nahin wo kisee ka nahin" (Genghis Khan once said that one who is not loyal to his own family is not loyal to anyone).

This uncritical loyalty to the family, clan, ethnicity, country or religion is typical of pre-capitalist, feudal societies. If we are to change the face of our country we must first learn to question the values that are taught to our children. A survey was conducted evaluating "unqualified respect for elders" which was measured by the following question: Should a person respect one’s elders regardless of their qualities and regardless of their faults?

It was found that the most obedient youth form the more corrupt societies. Known for their strong family ties most Asian nations rank amongst the most corrupt. On the other hand Scandinavians are considered the least family-oriented and also the least corrupt. Familism and the Corruption Perception Index were found to be directly and strongly related.

How can loyalty to the family be bad? Can you imagine a citizen of the third world turning his own blood brother in to the Police to be tried for terrorism? Even our Law Enforcement Agencies have a difficult time turning in criminals; forget about a brother betraying his brother. Yet the Unabomber’s brother turned his own flesh and blood over to the Police.

In third world countries, like Pakistan, the most common complaint is "Rishwat" (bribery) and "Sifarish" (also known as "pawwa") otherwise known as nepotism. Believe it or not out of about 6,000 high officials more than 4,000 are brothers, nephews, nieces, and in-laws of CSP officers.

One cannot expect the government to control corruption by making law after law when the unwritten law of the land, the very values of the people of Pakistan creates an environment of corruption that rivals that of Uganda and Kenya. This "love for the family" often refuses to judge people based on merit. The Italian mafia and the brotherhood of Islam is an extreme example of this "we hear and obey” loyalty.

Primitive societies like the ones in Southern Italy and Latin America stress loyalty to the family and urge the dominant classes to help the less fortunate. In contrast, modern rationally driven market economies stress individualism and concern for self. It is this individualism that is conducive to capital accumulation. The Protestant nations of Northern Europe believed that "God helps those who help themselves" so you will be helped by god only if you help yourself first. With these words the Protestant nations shattered the fetters of the sib and leaped out of the Dark Ages.

How can "helping your own self" help your country? How can being selfish help Pakistan? I found the answer to this question when I was struggling with what most good Pakistani men struggle. As most Muslim men are aware the moment you start earning money (sometimes even before you leave college) you are supposed to send money back home to your mother or father. It is a sign of manhood that a Pakistani male and his family eagerly await. However after years of payment I began to have doubts.

I was really conflicted, also known as "confused" by the Fresh Off the Boat Pakistani. I asked my German American friend what he thought about this obligation. Mike told me that societies progress when parents give it all to their child. Then the children grow up and start families and give it all to their children in return. Being selfish for your sake and for the sake of your progeny is the secret to capital aggregation. In contrast Pakistani society gives birth to children who give money back to their own parents creating stagnation while simultaneously complaining, "What is causing this stagnation?"

I share this model with my own family but it does not register upon them. All they know is that I was their "investment" and its time to cash in. But that is NOT how my parents felt when they were my age. When I was growing up I remember my own mother ask my father "Why do you pay this tax to your own father?" This created a lot of tension between my mother and my grandmother. My father grudgingly paid and was unable to break the cycle of "family tax". I don’t know if I will succeed.

Solidarity with the extended family and hostility to the outsider who is not a member of family or the religion can produce a self-interested culture. I notice this "xenophobia" in my own family. If you are in Pakistan you will be hard pressed to see anyone "outside the family" attending any of the traditional holidays. Even when we move to foreign countries and ought to rely on the kindness of strangers we tend to remain within our own families. My sisters were married off to my cousins and every Thanksgiving, Eid and 4th of July we only hang out within the family. Woe upon the member who dares to marry or befriend anyone outside the family, culture, country, religion or race (in increasing order of woe).

How do the family elders continue their rule over their children? They use guilt “Look at those western societies, they abandon their parents in some nursing home” The elderly belittle grown adults “I remember you when I used to wipe your behind, to me you will always be 2 years old” The psychological edge of the elders is also used to instill fear “you will be alone”. This fear of loneliness keeps many from cutting the chord. I am not necessarily advocating changing your last name, but I am asking for your sake, for your children’s sake, for your spouse’s sake: show everyone that you are your own person. A traditional family might help you survive better but it will not help you develop better.

They say, "American society is falling apart because the American family is apart". Muslims and Catholics from Latin America or Italy often voice this complaint. They say that wherever modernity and prosperity touches its feet "the children question their elders". The children are rebelling in traditionally Confucian but fast modernizing societies like Thailand and Singapore and Japan. I say that if you wish to modernize and progress then differentiate yourself from your father. The close-knit family encourages physical and sexual abuse of children. The traditional family restricts the child’s individuation. The harm done to our children and our members translates into harm inflicted on our societies. Individuate for your children if you don’t have the courage to do it for yourself.