Cast Away Fear

I stood staring at the bright sun; the rays were so strong that they were piercing my eyes, but I could not look away, fearing that if I did something bad would come to me, it was like an omen, my eyes hurt, I did not know what I was trying to do for so many years, all I knew was that I had to do it, maybe I wanted to beat the commotion that the sun was stronger than me or perhaps I wanted to be a record holder in the Guinness Book, it was always like this, to be someone, to be famous; my conscience rarely provoked me, I always did what I felt like but there were times when I felt helpless and that is something I in no way could be partial to, I was a man of will power or so I thought…

I could feel the sweat on my body, and all of a sudden felt restless and sodden and dirty, I lifted my arm to look at the time from the wrist watch I was wearing, never taking my eyes off the sun, it was noon; I had been sitting in the same position since dawn and then sighed thinking that I shall sit so till sundown, I felt very hot and cursed myself at my own stupidity, I took a sip from the water bottle resting on the sand beside me and let the water remain in my mouth for some time before gulping it down, it made me feel good, I took another sip and then another until I felt content.

I sensed someone come to me but did not turn around panicking that the spell shall break and I might lose although I wanted to lie down and close my eyes, I did not want to die because of my own silliness thinking that I was stronger than the sun or for fame, at present I shut the door on my weakness and thought of what it would be like to be the only man who could stare at the sun for so long without blinking, and to meet the headlines of tomorrows paper; all of a sudden I felt great and wanted to laugh out loud; to share with the world my very own happiness and strength.

I heard the man calling me mad and laughing at me, he was a local reporter who had worked with me on various assignments, he had laughed like this only a day before when I had told him of my intention, and my wish for him to accompany me as an onlooker, he had first taken it as a joke and later on tried to coax me out of it, but I remained insistent, and in the end he had agreed to come with me because he was intrigued and also for the reason that it would give a boost to his career, plainly if I succeed.

He offered me a chicken sandwich, which I ate like a savage and then asked for some more, this one I ate with some decorum. Once again my friend asked me to call it a day and go home, he also promised to write a solid piece on me and get it published the very next day, he lingered around for sometime but when I did not reply, cursed me and started to play with the camera which stood facing me, capturing my every move, he waited for some time, I guess wanting me to say something, but when I stayed quiet, went away, probably to lie down.

I pitied dragging him along and at the same time was envious of his freedom. I took another sip from the water bottle this time more to wash off the remnants of the sandwich than out of thirst, I tried to focus at the time, I could feel my sight leaving me, after adequate concentration I became conscious that it was only half an hour after twelve, it was amazing how slowly time was passing, it seemed like eternity since morning. I took a deep breath and kept looking at the sun, my eyes burning, tears spilling out, but I not blinking even for a second…

I had been practicing it for ages now, I still remember the first time I had looked at the sun, it was so many years ago, I was young when I had decided that one day I shall beat the sun and become legendary.

The first day I could not even look at it for a minute without blinking but as it is, I have always possessed a strong will power it did not dishearten me and soon I made a practice to go and sit by the sea at dawn and stare at the sun, it was always easy at dawn when the rays were not so strong but then as the days went by I would sit staring at it for longer minutes and then day by day I would increase the time until now when I have become conscious of both my strength and weakness …

During this phase of practicing I experienced many things, some usual and common, others amazing and beyond belief, what I myself was doing was also very unusual even to myself, but the most astonishing thing and the best I have ever encountered happened right here by the sea at sunset, it was some years earlier when I saw a man running into the sea, fighting the waves and going further than as if it was very natural, I panicked when I realized that he meant to kill himself, I was never a very good swimmer and so did not know what to do, I wanted to run after him, to stop him before it was too late, and all of a sudden I felt my own uselessness, I ran around the seaside and yelled for help, it was the most horrible experience and most humiliating, because to me; any weakness on my part was my own worst enemy …

A lifeguard I guess overhearing my shouts ran past my shaking soul to save the man from drowning, I looked at the sinking man from far away and a tremor ran through me, I tried to control myself but could not, it was the first time I was seeing death so intimately and it terrified me, I did not want to be afraid of it, I knew I could not fight it but I wanted to be ready when it came to me and so I wanted to live through it day by day, to taste it bit by bit everyday until it could no more terrify me.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw them coming back some time later and waited patiently till they reached my side. The lifeguard was very furious and threatened to call the police, the man on the other hand seemed very calm and said the most shocking thing: “I was not trying to kill myself, I was just running after the sun, I was trying to save it from drowning and now look what you have done, you think you have saved me, instead you are letting the sun drown, go save the sun, don’t let it drown…

Both the lifeguard and me were shocked at hearing the man, I even thought him mad for sometime, but now after all this time even I sometimes think about how odd it would be to catch a glimpse of the future, a quick view of events lying in store for us, some moments we saw would make no sense at all and some I suspect would frighten us beyond endurance.

It was amazing how I still remembered his words, probably because they inspired me and gave my conscience some satisfaction that I was not the only man doing something bizarre.
I once again lifted my arm to look at the time; after a few intent glances I realized that there were still two hours to go before sundown, it was getting colder with the breeze, I was exhausted, sitting in the same position for so long, but it was still better than before because now the sun was in level with my eyes and I did not have to raise my neck to look at it. I gulped some more from the water bottle, which by now tasted stale; but at least it was killing the thirst and my mouth wasn’t dry anymore.

My young friend came and sat next to me, by now he was very much in awe, and even made a few flattering remarks before getting up to fiddle with the camera, he asked if I was hungry and when I shook my head in denial, went to fetch the spot light as it would soon get dark and he wanted to cover each and every moment of the day.

I could feel that he was all excited, as was expected of him; my main reason for choosing him was the commitment and dedication he had towards his work, also I was sure that he would draw attention to my name and by tomorrow my aspiration would be celebrated.

I knew by now that I shall stir the whole media, I had done what I had meant to do. Out of no where a smile came to my lips as I saw the drowning sun and grunted at the memory of that fool who had wanted to save the sun so many years ago and felt tears in my eyes as I realized the truth!

Night after night; the sun shall go to sleep and so shall I, and then, both of us shall wake up in the morning once again, the sun to give light to every soul and to blind every eye that dare look at it, and me to live through this blindness everyday…only I was not afraid anymore!