Gulp Fiction

Paranoid 9\11
A weekly magazine published by and for gossipy right-wing duds pissed off at the success of Michael Moore’s Farenhite 9\11.

Highlights of this month’s Paranoid 9\11:
·Beware! The Next Major Terrorist Attack May Come Through Muslim Showers.
· How Gay Organizations Funded the Making of Farinhite 9\11.
·How Black Gangs Funded Gay Organizations That Funded Farenhite 9\11.
·How Al-Queda Funded Black Gangs That Funded Gay Organizations That Funded Farenhite 9\11.
·That Simple Little Pimple on Your Child’s Cheek May Be Due To Traces Of Anthrax In Your Breast Milk Contaminated by Your Cheap Middle-Eastern Bras.
·Kofi Anan Is a Hostile Extraterrestrial.
·Brittany Spears Says Jennet Jackson Molested Her.
·Is Your Child’s Black Kindergarten Friend Selling Him Crack?
·Dexter’s Lab on Cartoon Network May Be Subliminally Prompting Your Child to Write Hateful German Graffiti on Synagogue Walls.
·Are Arab Terrorists Injecting Mecca Cola In Coca-Cola Cans?
·Expose! John Kerry Doesn’t Shave His Pubic Hair.


Talwaar Times
A weekly socio-political magazine targeted at passionate young born-again Muslims. Edited by Junaid Jamshed and published by Ferhat Hashmi.

Highlights of this month’s Talwaar Times
·The Dangers of Masturbation.
·How to Procreate Without Having Sex.
·Brand New Ways to Burn Books on Marx and Darwinism.
·The Prophet was a Capitalist and so should You!
·Beard & Paancha Sizes According To Sunnat.
·Brand New Ways To Behead Hijabless Women.
·Review Of the Latest Videos of Beheadings in Iraq.
·Brand New Ways to Burn Condoms.
·Brand New Ways to Establish The Same Old Ways.

Also available from same publishers: Shalwaar Times. A quarterly for middle-class members of Riwind’s Tableeghi Jamaat.


Cannibalism Today
A monthly rag catering to assorted consumerists and/or gullible, dumbass fucks suffering from brand-conscious compulsive-obsessive disorders.

Highlights of this month’s Cannibalism Today
·How Retail-Therapy Saved My Life.
·Date a Yuppie with Branded Ulcers.
·How Unbranded Strap-Ons Destroyed My Sex Life.
·Have You Tried the New Lipton Pineapple Flavored Condom?
·Coke Plans To Be First to Cola-nize Mars.
·10 Steps to Quit Smoking and Start Drinking Cola.
·How To Make Love To A Porsche Exhaust Pipe.


HardOn
A daily for hard-liners of all ideologies, religions and creed.

Highlights of today’s HardOn
·Marxist Dogma Rape’s Capitalist Cat.
·Skeptic Scientist Says Man Never Landed On Moon.
·Teleban Say There is No Moon.
·Washington Neo-Cons Suspect Osama Hiding In Caves on Moon. Order’s US Shuttle to Fire Missiles.
·Capitalist Catcalls Give Marxist Dogma A Migraine.
·Catholic Organization Says World Will End On 20 October, 2006.
·Protestant Organization Says World Will End On 21 October, 2006.
·Baptist Organization Says World Already Ended On 23 October, 2002.
·Anarchist Group Tells The Catholic, Protestant and Baptist Organizations to Go Fuck Themselves!
· BJP Woe to Build Shopping Mall In Place Of Destroyed Muslim Mosque.
·MMA Woe to Build Chapli Kabab Restaurant In Place of Church In Peshawar.
·Burmese Buddhist Jirga Sentence Man For Murdering Innocent Mosquito.
·Baghdad-based Islamist Group Beheads Australian Mosquito.
·Deobandi Group Says Pop Music is Quyamat Ki Nishani.
·Berelvi Group Says Cable TV is Quyamat Ki Nishani.
·Shia Group Says Fast Food is Quyamat Ki Nishani.
·Confucius Group Says Ping Pong is Quyamat Ki Nishani.