Why Am I An Agnostic Muslim?

Agnostic: n. Someone who believes that there can be no proof of the existence of God but does not deny the possibility that God exists. (The American Heritage Dictionary: Second College Edition)

Do not judge me from what Woody Allen once said about God: “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.” I am not a greedy soul to wish those Swiss Accounts; our politicians and generals are enough for that BUT I wonder if at all I would be able grasp any sign of powers of God being Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent. Before I drag you all into a prolonged discussion on God, let me explain a little bit about myself.

I was born in a “mixed-sect” family. My father is a Brailvi and mother a Deobandi. Maternal family heavily influenced with Deobandism and paternal was pretty easy with religion. My mother preferred admitting me to a Deobandi Madrassah for reading and “understanding” Quran. There was Molvi Sahib telling me that “the one who sees a Shia “Ta’zia” is destined to hell.” Even in that age I wondered how could that possibly be true? To make things worse, he, one of those fateful 10th Moharrams, caught me watching the Ta’zia and the next day made me a Murgha and beat me with his stick on the joints of my hands and feet. It didn’t kill my thirst to watch Shias beating their chests the next year for it offered a unique recreation but two things happened: 1) I questioned: What Molvi was doing on the crowded roof of that shop in the main bazaar? Was it that he was also watching the Maatam? 2) I stopped going to the Madrassa though my family could never find out about it as I would, like every morning before, leave my house early in the morning but would prefer sitting at the Railway Station or Cabin Ground in my small hometown instead of attending Madrassah.

Subsequently I finished my first reading of Quran some 22 years after I left attending the Madrassah. And that too on my own motivation!

Why I read Quran 22 years later is a consequence of interesting mosaic of events that I shall summarize quickly. Despite stealthily quitting the Madrassah, I couldn’t quit the Deobandism of my family. I became a staunch one and once registered my name for Jihad in Kashmir falling prey to Jamaat-e-Islami propaganda. I went on “Chillas” and other preaching missions with Tableeghi Jamaat; became an Ahle-Hadith and did Rafa’ Yadain during my prayers; converted to Shiaism and beat my chest – though gently – on each 10th of Moharram; plunged into the spirituality taught by Brailvis, visited shrines and did my “Bayat” on the hands of a Pir in Kolachi, District D.I. Khan; studied the Ahmadi faith and tinkered with the Lahori/Pervezi school of thought too; got religious books and relevant literature on Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity and Baha’i faith. Nothing worked. The more I got into the study of religions, more I became confused and distraught thus I touched the last available option: Atheism.

I later discovered that being an atheist was just like observing a faith denying the existence of God. The faith of anti-faith was equally perplexed like the faiths themselves. Then arrived my final destination of Agnosticism and now I am at peace.

Nothing could have happened better to human beings than the spirit of free thinking and this is what I have become a follower of. Free thinking asks questions. Questions that hurt the traditional beliefs and taboos; AND questions that can even get you killed and labeled as an infidel or a “jahil.” But interestingly, it’s the fruit of free thinking that helped evolved great civilizations in the history including the Islamic. It was the freedom of thought, speech and action that enabled an old man to rudely ask question from the Caliph Omar about the two sheets which covered him while rest of all got one. Can someone quote an example from the life of Holy Prophet Muhammad if he ever barred anyone from asking any question? There is not a single occasion!

Excuse me here if I am sounding like a “religious Muslim” that contradicts my claim for being an Agnostic but to the best of my knowledge, Agnosticism doesn’t stop from quoting examples from human life.

Because of the sense of free thinking that I was able to achieve, I judged God on the three counts of His powers:

Omnipotent: Is He all-powerful? If yes, why couldn’t he intervene into the misery of human beings? Let’s not go deep down in history but what about genocide in Rwanda; religious killings in Kosovo, Bosina or the mysterious 9/11 where many children were trampled during the stampede. Even forget about them, how about the group rape of Mukhtaran Mai in Mirwala that brought shame to the whole nation. She even was a Hafiza – someone who learns Quran by heart – and taught it to the village children? Why couldn’t God exercise His powers?

Omniscient: Is He all-knowing? If yes, why didn’t He let man know about the vaccination formula of Flu which once claimed hundred or thousands of lives? Why human beings suffered simple diseases like infection for centuries until penicillin was discovered by Sir Alexandera Fleming in 1928? And now we have Cancer and Aids etc. whom the humanity is fighting against? If He is Rahim (All Merciful), then why does He like to see His own creation, man, suffer and die of miseries providing that He knows all?

Omnipresent: Is he present-everywhere? If yes, would it suggest that he was present at the scenes of holocaust and if yes, why He preferred to grin silently and not took any action? AND Jews were his chosen people too! Was He also present there when a seven year’s old girl was first raped, killed and then disfigured in Fort Abbas, Pakistan last year? Does omnipresence only mean a symbol of coercion or He had ever acted to show His presence?

God, our dear God remained unmoved when a father in Balochistan brought his eleven year old daughter for sale in one of the squares of Quetta because Balochistan was hit by a dreadful drought and famine and he couldn’t afford to provide rest of his family with food?

Does the “institution” of God only exist to frighten people of His powers while we all remain in suffering and misery and He enjoys a supremacy and does nothing?

After all this journey through life, I realized that human intervention and management played the key role on planet earth. The power of human action had performed miracles that changed the fall of events both in history and will do so in future. Reliance on His powers would have left us in the Stone Age even in this year of 2004. It’s the act of human being which has brought us where we are today.

If God is Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent but keeps silence then I better be indifferent and careless about whether He is there or not. When I have to pay my utility bills, care for my own parents, educate my children and exasperate over my salary falling short of my budget then where do I fit Him?

Can someone tell... God is? God isn’t? Let’s talk.