Rabid

Adam
Considered by major religions of the world to be the first man on the moon when in actuality he was a hairy pet goat of George Washington whom the Christians believe was the second man on the moon. Adam’s son, Adam Ant, considered by Hindus to be Lord Rama’s pajama designer, is actually the first man on the moon but that is, if you belong to those religions which consider ants to be the true evolutionary and spiritual predecessors of Homo sapiens. Yes, Adam Ant was a homosexual. But since these religions were mostly male oriented and believed that all great things and tasks were, can and will always be performed by men, being gay (on the moon) is no sin but a blessing; especially since it keeps great men away from masturbation. But Ant’s father Adam disagreed and is thus said to have pissed off God (a very big Male), even when it was Adam’s wife, Eve (a hen), who actually was the one who prompted Adam to think this way. But since most of these religions refused to recognize Eve as something equal to Adam, she is believed to have never existed; at least not more or less than a plate of the Old Gary’s sumptuous, voluptuous grilled ribs.


Abraham
Abraham was a great prophet and the inspiration behind the world’s three most distinguished and largest religions, i.e. Capitalism, Obscurantism and Fascism. He was also the great, great, great, great, but not so great grandfather of George Washington, considered by all Capitalists, Obscurantists and Fascists to be the second man on the moon and owner of the first goat in the world, Adam. Abraham is also famous for inspiring Old Gary to introduce the yummy Abra-Hamburger introduced in association with Coca-Cola to mark the eventual coming together of Abraham’s three big religions. But some heretics (mostly women) within these three great religions believe that the famous burger was actually an idea of Eve’s (a disgruntled hen), and thus insisted that instead of paying homage to Old Gary’s Grill, one should pay homage to Kentucky Fried Chicken. They also believe that KFC’s Colonel was the first woman on the moon.

Attila The Hun
Actually a harmless little nun in medieval Scandinavia, Attila’s inexplicable refusal to get herself regularly waxed led many to believe (particularly the famous German wine maker, Sigmund Freud), that deep down inside, the polite Attila wanted to be a hairy, cannibalistic, macho Viking warrior of yore. This was true, but she wanted to remain being a woman. However, thanks to that turn of the century capitalist pig, Old Gary, Attila today is remembered as a male warrior. Just how Gary was able to do this, I have no idea, but there is evidence to suggest that Gary one day invited Walt Disney (an animated member of the Ku Klux Klan), to his place for a plate of Eve ribs, and asked him to get his kool KKK buddies to burn all books that said Attila was actually a nun. Walt Disney agreed and since he was a great pal of the then US President, Donald McMurphy Hoover, he bribed Hoover with a life-size Mickey Mouse love doll and got Attila the Nun turn into Attila the Hun. Nice.

Alexander the Great
The shy, fair brother of Attila the Nun (now Hun) and model for Fair & Lovely’s first range of male hair removal and fairness cream. Perhaps also the first example of what we now call the metro-sexual male, but without having his testicles removed at a male grooming joint.

Amitabh Bachchan
An 18 ft tall serial child molester who haunted the streets of Bombay in the ‘70s. Revered as a holy deity by some very perverted Hindu sects. Especially those led by Ram Raj fanatics like Mahatma Gandhi, Maulana Madoodi and Pooja Bhatt. Vanished in the late ‘70s when he was attacked and raped by one Pervez Babi who then went into hiding,
changed his sex and reappeared as Parveen Babi. Amitabh, meanwhile, after loitering aimlessly across the wastelands of Rajasthan, in Taxes, remerged in the ‘90s as a standup comedian in the Indian National Assembly and a secret sex interest of the new Indian Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch.

Barney the Dinosaur
A blatantly sexist and foul mouthed gangsta rapper and younger brother of famous dosa masala chef, Adnan Sami Khan. Hosts a popular children’s talent show on FOX TV, The Armenian Idol. Once married to Opera Winfrey.


Barbie
The famous American female evangelist who along with lover Ken (Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sissy younger brother), has been lobbying to abolish women’s voting rights. Also plans to lead a crusade of converted China dolls against Muslim infidels in Iraq.

Casanova
Famous lover and fan of whole milk chocolate and inventor of Cadbury’s coca flavored condoms. Died miserably due to complications bought on by multiple venereal diseases and diabetes. However, his grief stricken mom insisted it was only a case of a small kidney stone turning into a full grown dilithium crystal and consequently getting stuck in his peepee. If this is true then it can safely be assumed that Casanova was also the first human to discover and experience the technology of peeing at warp speed.

Cat Stevens
The disillusioned and disgruntled son of Catwoman who joined The Joker when his father (Batman) divorced Catwoman and ran away with The Green Goblin. On The Joker’s insistence Cat embraced Islam and vowed to eliminate the evils of homosexuality and the sodomizing followers of the notorious gay terrorists, Vanilla Ice and Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Prince Charles
Late Princess Diana’s least favorite horse who when one day bitten very hard by a very angry Diana turned into a very awkward and silly looking Prince. Ironically hardly anybody noticed, in fact most thought Charles now had become the most horse looking horse in Diana’s stable. Eventually killed Diana and her boyfriend, Pir Pagaro, by chasing them down into an iron fence on the famous Parisian race course. Was arrested but soon rescued by the daring Zionist Animal Rights group, Lashkar-e-Taiba.

Dawood Ibrahim
The upright and honest policeman son of one of Kolkata’s most dreaded and vicious bandit queens, Mother Teresa. Born in Dubai, Dawood parted ways from his mother when she entered a life of crime. He chose to join the Dubai police. Dawood started to live with his father, Old Gary, who had separated from his wife when she joined a violent and fanatical band of Buddhist monks at a posh Dubai disco. Dawood hunted down the murdering gang and chased Teresa out of Dubai. Teresa escaped the city on a Vulcan starship designed to look like a Sudanese fishing trawler. Carried towards Kolkata on a friendly Tsunami, Teresa … wait a minute. This is not about Mother Teresa. This is about Dawood Ibrahim. Well, now it isn’t! But neither is it about Mother Teresa as well. Instead, it’s now about Maria Carrey. Yes, Maria Carrey, son of Rajiv Gandhi and daughter of Bill Clinton was actually an early edition of Sony’s digital vacuum cleaner. And so, in a galaxy far, far away …


Elephant Man
Better known in India as Ganesh, a sultry, forty-something South Indian Bollywood hero. However he is worshiped as a Mormon deity in North America. But this has led to a number of Cowboy & Indian wars, the former accusing the later of turning a holy figure into a sweaty, trivialized, silly human bum fond of bad ‘80s attire, powder milk and Brylcream.


King Fahd
The renowned Islamic scholar and oil merchant who through a fatwa said it was okay for Wahabi Muslims to marry four camels. Still loved and revered by Wahabis and Sunnis across the world in spite the fact that Fahd himself married 94 times, out of which about 51 were camels and the rest included Arabian horses, Yemeni Sheep, Afghani Yaks and at least one Klingon kangaroo.

Farhat Hashmi
A former Caribbean belly dancer who converted to Islam and became a popular cheerleader of the Saudi Arabian football team. However after suffering a serious pelvic injury bought on by doing the Macarena in tight ‘70s bellbottoms, Farhat Hashmi entered the prosperous and liberal state of Pakistan after being trained as a suicide bomber in the caves of British Colombia in war-torn Canada. But recently, the popular former cheerleader was arrested by Pakistani authorities while planning to plant a hydrogen bomb in a popular Waziristan night club and deported to the Caribbean Island of Barbados where she now makes a living singing Christmas carols for Brain Lara.

Genghis Khan
Father of famous Pakistani restaurant owner, Bundu Khan. Was murdered by Bundu Khan when the clients of the restaurant complained that Genghis Khan was actually serving them horse meat in their nihari. They wanted the usual dog meat. Genghis Khan’s slain body was then sent to North Mongolia where it was stolen from the grave by the notorious Tibetan grave robber, the Dalai Lama, who used it as the inspiration behind his famous Times-Warner best seller, The Tibetan Book of Dead Meat.

George Lucas
The inventor of CIA’s infamous Star Wars program during the Common Cold War in which the CIA planned to hire Soviet opera stars in famous American soaps and make macho Hollywood stars wear tight ballet costumes. Just what this would have achieved politically for the CIA is anybody’s guess, but it did make Lucas a billionaire.

Hennery VIII
A post-modern, pre-20th-Century quasi-Nazi spy in King David’s semi-royal palace and whose name when decoded by the heroic CIA message decoder, Steven Spielberg, somehow meant “Eight Hardons.” Just what this achieved politically for the CIA is anybody’s guess, but it did make Spielberg a billionaire.

Honda
Eccentric post-War Japanese Emperor who insisted he was really a car. He was eventually packed off to the United States for treatment at the Veronica & Betty Ford Clinic for Royal Schizophrenics. There he met Ronald Reagan, once the leader of the League of Astute Fascist Republican Bastards, and who had lost it by insisting that he was Darth Vader. Honda and Reagan soon married and gave birth to Bush (read a bush); a rather curious tangle of curly pubic hair that was amazingly elected the President of the United States of America in the year 2000 and 2004 BC. According to notorious Islamic terrorist, Cat Stevens, this is exactly why Islam advises men and women to regularly shave their pubies.

Isaac Newton
The guy who was one day snoozing under an apple tree and was woken by a falling apple that landed on his head. He woke up, ate the apple and went back to sleep. Just how this insignificant episode made history is anybody’s guess but it did make Newton a billionaire.

John
A medieval Baptist who baptized Jesus but over the centuries became more associated with leaky toilets. The term, “I am going to John to get baptized,” eventually became “I’m going to John” and ultimately “I’m going to the John.” Honest.

John F. Kennedy
American President who according to the famous Warner Bros Inquiry Commission, was killed by a 2.2 air rifle pellet that was fired from the third floor of a porn shop in Leningrad in the former Soviet Union, and which traveled across Europe and Central America and pierced Kennedy’s neck in Dallas, then rebounded and pierced through his head, then after a few days went through Lee Harvey Oswald’s stomach and after traveling for four years back & forth Disney Land hit Robert F. Kennedy in California. Famous Dutch Milk man, Oliver Twist, made a film questioning the sanity of this theory but was termed a crank and told to watch old episodes of the Six Million Dollar Man for a reality check. Soon Oliver realized his stupidity and paranoia and repented by making a therapeutic sci-fi comedy, Passion of Christ.

Jack the Ripper
The unabashed, amoral 19th Century exploiter who was the inspiration behind the Tatoonian dark lord, Adam Sith’s famous capitalist cook book, The Health of The Nations. Notorious for ripping off gullible London nuns suckered in by his bogus pyramid schemes, MBA courses and managerial science theories, Ripper, after leaving the nuns completely broke, employed them as strippers in his chain of stripping clubs. He then became to be known as Jack the Stripper. (See also Billy Graham, Bill Gates, Kill Bill, Osama Bill Laden and Billa Omar. Actually don’t.).

Leonardo Da Vinci
Famous inventor of the pepperoni pizza and hailed as a genius by the great Renaissance era philosopher, poet and painter, Papa John. However, after crossing that thin line between genius and madness, da Vinci crossed over to the dark side of the force and instead of pizzas started sketching drawings of airplanes, helicopters and muscular naked men. He was thus committed to the Machiavelli Institution for the Criminally Insane by the Pope where he met Honda and wanted to marry him. But Honda was already married to Ronald Regan and this broke da Vinci’s heart and he soon changed his name to Leonardo Di Caprio and screamed “I’m the king of the world!” Just why he said that is anybody’s guess but it did make James Cameron a billionaire.



Mulla Omar
Also known as The Marlboro Man, Mulla Omar quit smoking (and modeling) after watching “Sound Of Music.” After quitting he met with another famous quitter, Junaid Jamshed, and both decided to embrace Islam and fight against the evils of Communism, smoking and homosexuality. Financed by Old Gary who wanted to open a franchise of his grill joints in the prosperous, liberal and peaceful Scandinavian country of Afghanistan, Omar settled in Afghanistan and made a living growing the miraculous medicinal plant, poppy. He helped his fellow quitters distribute tons of heroin to help cure millions of people from the immoral and obscene habit of smoking. But in the process Omar lost an eye. His supporters maintain this happened when a reluctant quitter poked a burning cross in one of Omar’s eye, but others believe he lost the eye when, while on his way to Afghanistan via Kolkata, he winked at Mother Teresa and she landed a swift, sharp kick to his balls. Meaning, that not only did Mulla Omar have one eye, he also had just one ball.
Deep Throat confirmed this in a recent Vanity Fair interview and Bob Woodward is busy writing a book on it. However, Oliver Twist is convinced that the ball was hit by the same bullet that killed Kennedy. He is now making a movie on it and Meera is rumored to be playing the lead role. This was confirmed by the famous Pakistani gymnast and former Playboy Playmate, Maulana Fazal-ur-Rheman.

Margaret Thatcher
Born Matlock Thatcher, he changed his sex and name after joining the all-women heavy metal band, Iron Maiden. However, she was soon fired when the rest of the band members changed their names and sex and became men, leaving Margaret loitering aimlessly on the streets of London as a really horrible looking bag lady, smelling of rotten fish and deep fried chips. Her luck changed when after one day being kidnapped by some pesky, green aliens and turned into a concord shaped hermaphrodite, Thatcher was given super human powers by the aliens that helped her cheat, stab, slander, and fart her way to the Prime Minister’s office, (even though Deep Throat says it was just her impressive farting that did the job). Thatcher, now retired and slowly rotting, agrees. This is what she recently told the famous Pakistani soft-porn rag, Takbeer:
“I am a disco dancer!”
This made everybody forget about the Iraq war and re-elect Bush and Blair and this made Thatcher very happy. That’s it.

Nehru
Great grandson of pious Vatican emperor Nero, and the inspiration behind the Matrix trilogy’s Neo character, Nehru himself was no more than a diminutive Indian milk man and I have no idea what he’s doing here. So let’s just forget about him and move on.

Queen Elizabeth
Margaret Thatcher’s disgruntled mother/father (since all members of the British Royal family are amphetamines who reproduce through fission); Queen Elizabeth was also the infamous rock groupie of ‘70s hard rock band, Thin Lizzy. Also mother of Prince Charles who was actually a silly looking horse and mother-in-law of Princess Diana who hated being part of the British Royal family due to its fission thing. It is said it is because of this Diana ran off with handsome Mongolian rogue and Uzbek dacoit, Pir Pgaro, but which made the headlines and the Queen very angry and this is what she had to say about the whole issue:
“Kill her!”
So Charles did, to which she said:
“Good horse.”
But The Daily Mirror’s headline had this to say: “Brad Pitt gets hernia.” Just what this had to do with the Diana story is anybody’s guess, but it did make Rupert Murdoch a billionaire.

Paris Hilton
Daughter of Berlin Marriot and Chicago Ritz, Paris Hilton emerged as a famous model after her popular stint as a voluptuous purple bodied nudist on BBC’s Tellytubbies. She quit the controversial show after being sexually harassed by the show’s four main characters, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po. Disillusioned by her society’s male chauvinistic attitude, especially towards voluptuous nude women, she accompanied Pamela Anderson to the liberal and tolerant state of Pakistan where they met veteran Asian nudist, Abida Hussain. In fact everybody in Pakistan was a nudist and those who weren’t were usually raped. Mukhtar Mai was one such non-nudist. “Well she deserved it,” said Pamela Anderson and joined the country’s biggest, most popular and committed partner swapping club, The MMA, while Paris Hilton fell in love and married Quetta Bolan and gave birth to Bombay Obroai who after growing up went back to England and assassinated Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po. And then came Mariah Carrey…

Shahrukh Khan
The floppy haired, stuttering and cuddly psychopath member of the famous Muppets family, Shahrukh Khan graduated from playing Cookie Monster’s concubine on the Muppets Show, to becoming Bollywood’s leading Muppet. Yes, even though he tried his level best to become a man/woman/human being/table lamp, Shahrukh remains to be a fucking Muppet and this fucking irritates the fuck out of him and fuck it, I mean who gives a flying fuck about a floppy haired, stuttering and cuddly psychopathic Muppet, aye? Tell this to all those millions, billions and trillions of Muppets fans in India and Pakistan. However, Shahrukh was only relieved and extremely happy when recently he got a chance playing a non-Muppet role in Hollywood. He was ecstatic when asked by Francis Ford Coppola to play a table lamp in his next Godfather movie. Comparatively, this most certainly will be Shahrukh’s most human and realistic role he has ever played.
He told Stardust: “The table lamp role gives me a chance to expand my talent and bring out the emotional and intellectual depth that the role requires from me.”

Shahrukh will be playing a blue marble table lamp on a bedside table in a New York hotel room. The character has no dialogues. No, not even casual stuttering.