A Teacup in My Hand

A Short Story

A teacup in my hand,
I sit here quietly pondering,
And watch the day unfold
A long, enduring journey…


Sonya sat at the kitchen table, early Monday morning, with a cup of hot tea. She had some time to herself before setting off to battle her job, and the tensions that went with the package.

She stared at the whorls of steam rising from her cup; a feeling of nostalgia overwhelmed her…

‘How life had changed!’

She found herself walking down memory lane…

“Hurry up, Soni, we’re going to be late!” called Umar, as he adjusted his tie and pulled on his coat, giving himself a final appraisal.

“In a minute, darling!” She called back from the bathroom. “There’s no need to be there before the hosts, you know!”

“The card says seven sharp, and seven it will be, honey!” He tried to impress upon her the urgency that conscientious people like him felt duty-bound to respond to.

The newly-weds, Umar and Sonya, were getting ready for the dinner hosted in their honour by Sonya’s favourite Aunt Samina. Umar was a stickler for punctuality, but Sonya was not one to be pushed into anything that everybody considered ‘the proper thing to do’. So, as Umar was to learn, they got there when Sonya saw fit to make her grand entrance!

There was nothing conventional about their relationship either…had never been from the start! Umar, the quiet and ‘proper’ type, was in for a rude shock from the moment he stepped into the bedroom on their first night together. Expecting to find a shy bride, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he lifted her veil, to gaze into the huge eyes of a disgusting, evil-looking witch! She had pulled on an ugly mask borrowed from her little cousin, Mani. Though considering the practical joke in bad taste, as well as ill timed, Umar was immediately charmed by her lovely smile and mischievous doe-eyes.

Anybody could see that they had taken to each other like fish to water, despite being total opposites. Whoever said, ‘opposites attract’, sure knew what he was talking about!

Umar was a perfectionist and she was his undoing - he was meticulous, she careless to the extreme – burnt the dinner with unfailing regularity; he preferred to eat a cosy meal at home, she loved dressing up and eating out; he enjoyed slow strains of sitar, she opted for hard rock…by the usual rules of prediction, they couldn’t have lasted beyond the wedding night, but eight years hence, and still going strong – theirs was a dream relationship.

There was just one small catch causing an occasional unpleasantness…they were childless. Having gone through extensive tests, after two years of their union, they had learnt that Sonya would never be a mother. Umar, strangely, didn’t seem to mind so much but Sonya was devastated. And every now and then she felt she couldn’t take it anymore…

“I can’t imagine never being able to hold a little bundle-of-joy in my arms!” she sobbed.

“It doesn’t matter, sweetheart, we’ll adopt a baby”, Umar tried to calm her down.

“No, no…I want my own baby,” she cried hysterically, “ours!”

He would take her in his arms and - as always - having had her catharsis, she would finally calm down. She suspected, though, that he was rather glad they didn’t have any children, and he had her all to himself. He loved her so much, he always said. How lucky she was…most men wanted children and didn’t hesitate in remarrying just for the sake of carrying on the family name.

‘What would I do without my darling?’ She often wondered.

A few more years passed - some flew and some dragged – and their life kept moving forward on a smooth track, with no major ups and downs… till something happened that changed her life forever…

She would see Umar talking on the phone several times a day, hanging up the moment she came within earshot. Zoobia and Zarmina, his sisters, had also started calling him up regularly. Whenever she asked, he simply shrugged and avoided a direct answer, brooding and keeping to himself. She was confused. That was not his style

‘What the heck was going on?’ she wondered. ‘What was all the secrecy about?’

She tried to dismiss it, but a nagging doubt pricked her feminine intuition. There had never been any secrets in their relationship and the new, distant Umar frightened her.

From the bits and pieces of conversation she was able to catch, slowly it dawned upon her that it was her inability to produce an heir that was the issue. For the first time in her married life, she felt unsure of where she stood…and apprehensive about her future.

She was well aware of the disastrous consequences of infertility in a couple’s life - in Eastern culture, it defined the very basis of a union. She had seen many strong marriages crumble, when many a loving husband buckled under family pressure. She recalled her college-friend Saba’s ordeal, and shuddered.

‘If only he would say something!’ She waited desperately. Finally, she could take it no more. ‘Why was she waiting for him to say anything, anyway? It concerned her life too!’

She decided to confront him.

“Honey, what the hell is going on?” she demanded, when he came back from the office that day.

“Huh? What do you mean?” he evaded, as she had expected.

“Stop treating me like a child, Umar.” She spoke quietly. “Do you want to remarry for the sake of having a child?”

Startled, Umar turned away, “Whatever gave you that idea?”

“Look at me, Umar.” She felt her heart thudding against her ribs, “I want to know what’s going on, so tell me the truth. You always said we didn’t need a baby, that we could adopt one if I wanted… so how about it now?”

Umar knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. “Mum won’t agree.”

“Mum gets to make our decisions? Then where do I figure in your life?”

“Look, it doesn’t matter whether I remarry or not, Soni…you will always be the one for me.”

Sonya stared uncomprehendingly.

Trrrn…trrrn… the phone rang.

It was Zoobia. “Sonya, how are you?”

“Oh, fine … Zooby, how are you? We haven’t seen you in a long time. ” She tried to be polite.

Zoobia replied in a solemn tone, “Listen Sonia, I’ve got something important to tell you… I’m sure you’ll understand…”

“Ye-es?” She felt her heart skip a beat.

“Sonya…er…this is hard to say,” she took a deep breath and blurted out, “Umar is getting married to Huma. Nothing against you, really, it’s just…”

“I see,” she cut in, “so it’s settled then?” She spoke calmly trying to sound matter of fact, her gaze fixed on Umar’s hunched shoulders and averted gaze.

Huma was Umar’s cousin - a quiet submissive creature living in a world of her own.

“I’m sorry, Sonya, Mum wants the family name to go on, not end here. Ten years is a long time to wait. I’m really sorry.”

Sonya hung up without another word.

She walked up to Umar, and touched his shoulder. He turned. She looked into his eyes, willing him to deny what she had heard.

Umar looked away. Her heart sank…

‘The man she had loved with all her heart and soul, was not going to be man enough to stand by her side when she needed him most.’

She did not cry. She was not going to beg him to reconsider, either. She packed her bags quietly, amid Umar’s protests…

“Don’t overreact, for God’s sake, Sonya! Huma will be my wife in name only, I’ll always be yours…nothing will change, I promise. I don’t need a child… you know that. I’m doing it just for Mum’s sake…”

As she picked up her bags, she gave one final look around…

‘Husband and home - hers no more.’

“Soni, please don’t do this! Be reasonable, will you? I love you…we can pull through this together…Huma will not come between us. She will live with Ammi, not here!”

“I see…and you can visit her there occasionally, while we continue to live here as if nothing has changed?” she inquired calmly, fighting to hold back the tears.

“Exactly!” he beamed, and opened his arms…

She managed a sad, strained smile…

He probably expected her to run to him, grateful for his generosity!

“Sure.” She muttered through clenched teeth, and walked past him… a host of questions flashed through her mind…

How could she have been so blind?

He, who comforted her no end at her smallest displeasure, was unable to comprehend her pain when her whole life was falling apart?

Did men have a completely different set of values that could accommodate anything they saw fit for consumption?

Would he have been so accommodating if she had another man in her life?’

She moved back with her mother. Everyone tried to reason with her.

“Sonya, he hasn’t divorced you; you shouldn’t have left your home! Men do take more than one wife, and he has a genuine reason too. Its no big deal…he adores you…surely, you’ll always be first in his life.”

‘Had everyone gone mad? There was a third person in their marriage, and it was no big deal? How could they expect her to share her husband with another woman? She didn’t want to be ‘first’ in his life…she wanted to be the ‘only’ one!’

As far as she was concerned, it was over…three, was definitely a crowd. She wanted a divorce.

“You want WHAT? Are you even aware of what you’re saying, Sonya?” Her mother nearly had a fit. “For God’s sake, don’t even think about it! You cannot even imagine what it entails…the people will devour you! A lone woman has no place in this vicious society…and where will you go when you’re old, you’ve no sons to keep you?”

“Mum, you too?” tears welled up in her eyes. So, she would be forever condemned for that shortcoming’

She broke down, and wept uncontrollably. There was no one to hold and console her, but she knew she’d better get used to that. There was a long, lonely journey ahead…

Two months passed in a flurry of activity, with everyone turning up to add his or her bit to the argument against divorce. But it soon became evident to one and all that Sonya was immovable from her stance. She had chosen once for all that she was not going to be second place to anyone.

One evening, when Umar came to see her - as he did almost daily even after he had married Huma - she just locked herself in her room, refusing to see him. He practically begged her to open the door and listen to him. Then, he sat outside and spoke through the closed door…

“Darling, it won’t be long now… I’ll divorce Huma as soon as the baby is born…It’ll be just like old times again…you and I … just wait a while.”

She could only stare at the door, seething with red-hot rage.

‘Could he sink so low? Use a woman for his selfish needs and discard her as soon as they were met with? Did Huma know what was in store for her?’

She opened the door. There he stood, unshaven and dishevelled. She felt no love for him, only contempt.

With one swift movement, she slapped him hard across his cheek – the cheek she had touched lovingly so many times in the past.

He stared in disbelief.

“Don’t ever come here again.” She muttered coldly.

Umar saw steely resolve in her eyes… and knew he was beaten.

She filed for ‘Khula’ the next day. Bless her dear Aunt Samina who had insisted at the time of her nikah that her parents allow her the right to seek divorce if she wanted; the court proceedings were easily tilted in her favour.

That had been the most difficult decision of her life, but she would not be treated like a commodity…

She took a job and started picking up the pieces of her life one by one …it wasn’t easy. Sometimes she collapsed in a heap on the floor crying till the tears dried out and dry sobs racked her thin body. She had lost weight. She missed her previous life, the joy and pride of loving Umar…then her thoughts would take her to the pain of rejection, his betrayal, and his selfishness…and, ultimately, her stubborn, resilient self would triumph…

‘If Umar really loved her, he should’ve stood by her side…actions spoke louder than words, didn’t they?’

Sonya came back to the present with a sudden jolt, as her hand shook and the hot scalding tea spilled over her. She got up quickly and put her hand under running water to soothe the stinging.

‘Yes, life sure had changed…but not entirely for the worst. She had survived – and that was the important thing. She had learnt that she could manage on her own; that she could do anything she put her mind to.’

Sonya took a deep sigh and nibbled at the biscuit in her hand, as the memories took her on a roller coaster of emotions, gliding through time…

For a fleeting moment, the past and present seemed to merge and co-exist…

She felt Umar’s presence in that small room, looking at her adoringly as he used to… she closed her eyes trying to preserve that moment, yearning for his touch…

Slowly, she opened them again and stared at the cup in her hand, sighing softly…

‘He was just a ghost from the past…’

She recalled her mother telling her that Umar had been blessed with a son…good for him.

He didn’t look very happy, though, the last time she saw him in the shopping mall. He had looked long and hard at her, searching for some spark from the past, while he held his little son in his arms. She had simply turned away.

A few months ago, she had also adopted a baby girl from Edhi Home, and named her Ujaala – light.

She wanted little Ujaala to be a source of light for the blind, the ignorant; to define her own existence, and claim her place in the larger scheme of things… and most of all, feel proud to be a woman in a suffocating, male-dominated society…

The wall clock chimed and Sonya got up abruptly. She had to drop off Ujaala at Aunt Samina’s, and she didn’t want to be late for work. Her boss appreciated her efficiency. Punctuality was a virtue, after all!

She had evolved and adapted, and her life was on the right track…

As she checked her make up for the last time, balancing her purse and little Ujaala in her arms, she smiled at her reflection in the mirror…

“Long enduring journey, here I come!”