Break Up!

Life is ridiculous. AJ was convinced.

How could she? Why would she? Was it not the best relationship that ever existed? What about all those movies? What about all the teddy bears? What about all that MONEY he spent on that …!?!

Mughdha had just called. “AJ, let’s just be friends? Okay?”

Yeah right! The most idiotic and silly and outrageous euphemism in the world, for “GET LOST LOSER!” She, me and her new boyfriend will go out for movies together na?

For those in the dark, here’s a flashback. Please view this through pink glasses for the right effect.
AJ and Mugu (that’s what he called her) were in the same class in college. One fine day (it wasn’t really fine, with all the rains and chikhal, but as I said… for the effect…) AJ was looking in one direction and Mugu in another, they bumped into each other. Her books fell; he picked them up… aur pyar ho gaya! . That was three months ago… (Please remove pink shades, and return to present)

The phone… man’s second best friend (The first is a TV). AJ decided it was time to call his best friend. Neha always helped him through his ups and downs.

“Hello, may I speak with Neha please?”

“Neha beteeeee, PHHone” (the PHH has to pronounced like a FF, and spitting out half a litre of saliva).

“Hi Neha, AJ”

“Hieeee! AJ did I tell you about that movie I saw last week: ‘The planet of the Spiders?’. It had Tom Crude, as a spider! I tell you… he was sooooo cute.”

“As a spider? Cute spider? God Neha, you do have a very serious problem… But I wanted to talk about…”

“And yesterday I went to Aag aur Baraf. The place rocks. There were so many cute guys there… And you know Kritika, that cousin of Benaf, the one with a mole on her chin yaar… She’s got a new boyfriend. And he’s so full of himself. Such a big ego. We call him Amir Khan! Hehehe…

“Neha, Mugu and I…”

“And you know the other day at Asoka, we were teasing Sowmya about her hair… I mean it’s so much like ShahRukh’s hair in the movie! But why are you not saying anything yaar? I mean why you shouldn’t be so silent…”

“I and Mugu…”

“AJ, AJ, donkeys last!”

“Huh?”

“Mugu and I… Arrey, I to forgot only…! Did I tell you about Steve? He and Naomi are always fighting! I don’t know what’s to fight about. They argue on the silliest of things. I mean what does it matter whether Madonna has one or not?”

“WHAT?!?!?”

“Arrey, surname yaar… what did YOU think! Naughty boy! Anyways, bolo…”

“Mugu and I…”

“AJ… sorry yaar, I gotta go, din-din time! But really… you must speak a little more; otherwise Mugu’s going to get bored of you! Bye! Goodnight!”



AJ kept down the receiver. Time to call SKC, the champion of heartbreaks. Swapon Kumar Chatterjee was the one man who was always in love. A new girl every week was his motto. He was a poet.

‘Ring ding ding,
I must have a fling
The day is fine, be mine,
We’ll go flying.
Ring ding ding’

Such were his masterpieces. He was perpetually in and out of love. Just the right man to call when you are in love, and even better when you’re without. AJ decided he must call him.

“Hello, Swapon?”

“Ha yaar… bol…”

“Kya hua, tu okay to hai?” (Swapon was sounding rather a ghost of himself).

“Me and Prinks broke up!”

“So what’s new? You go through break ups all the time!”

“Nahi yaar, this time I had found the girl of my life…”

“Sun pyare, you have to decide how many lives you have… because you told me that last time, and the time before that, and you were positive Rajula was it, and then Anoushka, and before that you just had enough time to squeeze in Charu…But, I have bad news yaar.”

“You are bad news any given time of the year. Please, I’m too sad right now, unless the bad news has something to do with Gadre’s test tomorrow, don’t tell me.”

“Sun na…”

“Nahi, nahi, nahi…”

AJ could almost see him on the other side. In a Rajesh Khanna pose, with his hand to his brow, and going “Kavita…”

AJ decided this was a bad time to speak, because if there was one thing that SKC liked better than girls, it was to tell the ram kahanis about his break ups.

AJ gave up; the phone wasn’t going to help him. He decided he’d watch the TV.

“Ilooooooo, Ilooooooooooooo, yeh ilu ilu kya hai, yeh ilu ilu?” crooned the female!

“Gawd, if she wanted to go to the loo so bad, why didn’t she? This could become the slogan for Sulabh Shauchalay!” AJ thought nastily.

He flipped the channel.

“Love me for a reason, let the reason be love…” crooned Boyzone.

Channel change.

“The only thing that looks good on me is you!” Yeah right! Try singing that to TunTun, if she ever sat on you, she’d be the only thing you’d see, other than stars!.

Channel change.

It was pretty late now. The south Indian channels were showing midnight masala. AJ had never quite figured out how two overgrown adults, rolling over each other like hippopotamuses in a muddy slush could constitute “masala”. He found the South Indian actresses pretty fat. Alright, not even pretty, just fat! Amchya maharashtrian mulich changlya!

TV OFF!

Mugu was such a perfect girl, he thought idly. She was so pretty. No! But one must hate her now. Circumstances demanded it. The beautiful times they had, sitting on the beach, watching the sun go down, promising that they’d never let the sun set on their relationship.

He switched on the deck.

“Tanhaiyee Tanhaiyee” sang Sonu Nigam.

“….Ayeee….. Ayeeee” he started to sing.

Sure enough, ayee came. Mothers always have a sixth, seventh and eight sense about such matters.

“Kay zhala?”

Why not tell Ayee? She was after all pretty old, and didn’t she and dad have a love marriage?

“Mummy, me and Mugu broke up!”

“Donkeys last…”

“AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH. If I hear that sentence one more time, I’ll kill someone!”

“Thik ahe baba, if you want it that way, then I’ll go!”

“Nahi, not that way… Mummy, I’m feeling miserable.”

“I had told at the beginning itself, it will not work!”
WHY DO ADULTS ALWAYS HAVE THIS “I told you so” BIT?

“Mummy, but…”

“See, this is all puppy love, it comes and goes…”

If it comes and goes, why does it hurt so much? Right now it was feeling like a thousand daggers had been plunged through his heart. (Alright, we have to admit. AJ was always a bit theatrical)

“Arrey, don’t bother. It’ll all work out. I didn’t like Mugu too much anyway.”

AJ knew mummy was lying. She adored Mugu. Infact she was the only girl that she had approved of. The things mothers will do to make their sons feel better.

AJ sat at his table. He had not eaten that evening. He was ravenously hungry. But all the Hindi movies said he must NOT eat, he must pull a long face, and grow a beard. If he could get that omnipresent sad look in Ajay Devgan’s eyes, then it would be perfect. (Which makes one wonder....Why is Devgan always so sad? Does Kajol make him lift her and do push ups everyday? Or is it that she’s just too heavy to… Let’s leave this here… Kids read this stuff you know!)

Sadness makes one poetic.

“You were mine, from five to nine” NO! That wasn’t true. Not at all! Let’s try again…

“You were mine, full of fat and slime…” Perfect! Except that Mugu wasn’t fat at all! Let’s try a different approach.

“Mine you were…” Twisting words into improper places is the first poetic licence.

And as our hero wrote this poem, so he fell asleep, but unlike S.T. Coleridge, when he woke up, he did not find Kubla Khan written in front of him. All he found was a terrible neck ache because of sleeping on the table!

But today was a new day. Today he would not cry. There was all the world to conquer, and there were many fish in the sea. Mughdha dearest, today I’m out with my fishing rod, and a lot of bait. Watch out girls, here comes the fisherman. He glanced at the watch. Hell! It was 10 o’clock! Why hadn’t mummy woken him up? He’d be late for college! No, nut, wait, today was a Sunday. No college. No Mugu to go out with, and watch meaningless Hindi movies. He’d go out with the guys today. He’d go bowling. Infact he was getting rather happy that Mugu was out of his life.

He ambled into the outer room… AJ stood flummoxed!

There sitting on the sofa all smiles and coy, sat Mugu.

“Shock treatment is fun sometimes isn’t it?” she giggled. “It makes people come closer. Happy Valentine’s Day you idiot! Get dressed up, I’ve got two tickets for Kabhi Kuch Kehdo, the latest from Kekta Kapoor.”