Cheap is Cool

On a recent visit to Washington DC my wife and I went to the national mall. It was a balmy late-August afternoon but there were lots of people at the Washington Monument, World War II memorial and Lincoln Memorial. I noticed that South Asians were over-represented, but then I realized why. These landmarks are all free to the public, so there you have it.

Yeah, us South Asians are a cheap bunch. There was a report on NPR this morning about how we’re rated at the bottom of the barrel when we travel, partly because some of us have a condescending attitude towards cabbies and porters but mostly because we’re really bad at tipping. As you all may have heard we're going through a nasty economic recession here in the ‘states and being value-conscious is in vogue, so I am concerned that other ethnic groups may get a leg up on South Asians and beat us at being frugal. Here are some tips to other South Asians living in America on how we can maintain (and perhaps improve upon) our reputation for frugality, not just in a general sense but in some very specific and actionable ways:

Fly free, never pay for a hotel, and shop for free: There are some awesome credit card deals out there that never seem to go away. These guys give you 30,000 frequent flyer miles, $150 or more in cash or gift cards, a few nights free and so on when you sign up. The first year is always free, you can cancel after 6 months and sign up again next year. Best of all, there’s no perceptible impact on your credit score as long as you cancel these religiously once you’ve used up your freebies. It helps if you have good credit and lots of family members 18 and older who can do this each year. If you’re lucky the hotels you stay at for free will also give you premier-pass invitations to timeshare resorts, just say no when they try and sell you a membership.

Upgrade your ride, courtesy of the taxpayer: Check out GM’s new 60-day satisfaction guarantee, “Buy a new GM vehicle, if you don’t love it we’ll take it back”. I also like test-driving the newest lineup at my local Mercedes or BMW dealership. When I take my beat-up old Merc in for an oil change the dealership loans me a car of my choice for free.

Get on eBay and get Bill Gates’ money: Microsoft gives cash back to folks who use eBay to buy stuff, so make sure you get your piece of Bill Gates’ fortune. eBay and Paypal are also generous with gift certificates and discounts, so live in your world but buy on eBay.

Be fruitful, for less: Being an American citizen has its privileges. One of those is that you can get a mail-order bride from a 3rd world country of your choice and treat her as you please for 2 years, while her green card is still conditional. The USCIS generally looks down on serial monogamy, but the fun doesn’t stop there. Once you’ve exhausted this avenue of carnal pleasure you should spend your paid time off in Iran where temporary marriage is legit and cheap. Heck they even have a “Cheap Mutaa School” in Isfahan whose slogan is “Pay for three and your 4th temporary marriage is free”.

Keep up with Uncle Sam’s goody basket: There’s all sorts of nice things that we can tap into, such as minority contracting, mortgage modifications, first time homebuyer credits, etc. Just make sure you do what is legal and legit.

Well, I guess I’m preaching to the converted because you all are way up there when it comes to saving. Which is why I did not mention the obvious ways (coupon clipping, post-season sales, etc) that we all indulge in. The thing though that bugs me sometimes is: What the heck am I saving all this money for? The answer is obvious: So my kid can blow it all away.