I Hate Ashley Giles

'For years now, we have been the most abused things on a cricket field. When a batsman whacks a boundary, we get the thrashing. When a bowler disrupts the furniture behind the batsman, we get the bruises. On hard bouncy wickets, the bowlers bend their backs to bang us in and on flat sub-continent pitches, the batsmen have a ball with us. We are licked, tampered and rubbed with sweat, mud and sometimes even with Vaseline. Hmm, so much for being 5 1/2-ounce weighing seam stitched cricket balls.

Gone are the times, when people used to so adoringly refer to us as the red cherry. These days we are the damned things both on and off the field. People cant help blaming us for anything and everything that takes place on the field. If a spinner gets introduced pretty early in the innings and goes for a few runs, he blames it on us saying that he cant grip the damn ball. Why get introduced so early in the first place? If a fast bowler can’t get the ball to reverse swing when we are old, he blames it on us saying that we don’t have it in us to swing. Why try things, which he cannot do in the first place? Some players even try to create a rift among our brethren. Some claim that the kookaburras [our cousins] are a better breed, while there are some bowlers who say that they can take wickets with only our breed. These guys don’t know what they are talking about. The truth of the matter is amidst all this, we stand united.

There is a reason why all breeds of cricket balls stay united, take everything into their stride and continue being the hinge of ridicule on a cricket field. It is all because of this one man who started his honeymoon with us on the fields of Shivaji Park, Mumbai, about a couple of decades ago. Though it was ages after we first came into existence, it was timely enough to instill some spark back into our lives. After all these years, the romance is still on. Ever since this man from Mumbai made his international debut in late '89, we have sort of developed a pride in what we do. We love what ever this affable 28-year-old does with us.

Never before had anyone stroked us so sweetly and gently. He has this uncanny ability of hitting us with the sweetest spot on his bat. And when he hits, we stay hit. He is a very powerful striker of the cricket ball and uses heavy bats, but instead of bludgeoning us he times us to perfection. It’s a pleasure to go soaring into the skies on a well-defined trajectory and land in to the hands of the waiting spectators in the stands. It is a matter of pride for us when the spectators grapple among themselves to get a hand on us. It is also a pleasure to be in his hands when he is bowling. He makes us spin, seam and swing and always keeps us guessing on what our next ordeal would be. We love him and respect him and it did come us a major shock to us when he was blamed for tampering with us. All that he did was to remove mud that was stuck in the seam. His act was more like that of a mom removing lice from her child's locks. We are sorry for having been part of this unsavory episode and we wish someone would throw us hard and straight at Mr. Denness' face.

And now, the reason why I am making you all read this is because of certain things that happened in the recently concluded Test series between India and England. Nay, I am not talking about the Michael Vaughan incident. We wouldn’t really complain if an extra pair of hands tries to grab us. If he hadn’t picked the ball, Dasgupta would have anyway. [Though I must admit that this new Indian keeper doesn’t really know much about catching us.] We are used to all that stuff. What we aren’t really used to is not being allowed to romance with SRT's blade as much as we would have liked to do so. We wouldn’t have bothered much if he were out cheaply, because there is always the next innings. But what we really mind is not being able to make him play us more often than not. This is where we hate Ashley Giles and his captain. I was one of the balls that were used during the series and I couldn’t help hiding my tears whenever Giles took the ball into his hands. Poor SRT, all that he had to offer to that negative line, was his butt. Cricket is a battle between the willow and the leather, not between the butt muscles and the leather. Nasser might take great pride in frustrating SRT and bowling India out for scores less than 300, but he has slapped a huge dent on our pride. Ashley Giles has abused us more than anyone else by making batsmen play us with everything other than the cricket bat and for that we would never forgive him. If he continues to bowl that line and deprive us from touching SRT’s bat, dear readers, please let him know that we would defy the laws of gravity and direction and start acting on our own. That would spoil the charm of this wonderful game, so please make the consequences clear to Ashley Giles and save this wonderful game from becoming a boring pastime.'

----a red cherry

(You can mail me at avician@yahoo.com. Our breed would be more than happy to hear from you).