Last Rites: An Evening at a Pak/Indian Show-biz Award Ceremony

The ceremony begins. But no. First eighty-two TV commercials of the seventy-seven corporate companies that have sponsored and co-sponsored and co-co-sponsored and co-co-co-sponsored the ceremony. All awful, of course.

The ceremony begins. But no. The Pakistanis have insisted that they would start the procedures with something that would encompass Pakistani nationalism and identity. Thus, an emotion-ridden naat! Yes a naat. Why? Who knows, who cares? Just get the damn thing in so (somehow) the mullahs are appeased.

Too bad. The naat would preferably be by one of the dozen or so former-pop-stars-turned-fat-balding-naatkwaans, such as Najam Shiraz, Junaid Jamshed and … but wait a minute. It’s Salman Ahmed of Junoon!

“Slaanlaikum, bhai saab!”

But why is Salman reciting a naat? He’s a guitar-player of a secular rock group, not a vocalist. Oh, well, apart from the fact that he actually believes he can sing (*groan*), he was requested to do so by Juniad Jamshed whose own request for a beard trim by Tariq Amin was refused by the people who run (read ruin) his brain in Riwind. After all, JJ didn’t want to appear in front of millions of impressionable Indian and Pakistani audiences at a high profile and glamorous award ceremony looking like Santa Clause’s Occidental brother, right? Right.

“Ho, ho, ho. Chalo, chalo, Waziristan chalo!”

No thank you. We’d rather have Salman croaking away an ode to the Almighty. No, not Coke.

Anyway, with Salman (this time in Najam’s shirvanee and Iraj’s … oh, never mind), was done, the ceremony begins. But no. Here comes Hema Malini to match Pakistan’s nationalist fervour with India’s. A bhaajan taught to her by Bal Thakray to be given at the dozens of BJP election rallies she addressed before this year’s Indian elections.

“Namastay, bhai saab.” And off she went. Too bad Vajpayee is no more the Indian PM. Otherwise who knows, the eighty-plus bachelor might have married her! Fellow-BJP starlet and husband, Dharmendra, would have no problems putting a smile on Ram’s purple, flute-playing lips, right? Right.
Anyway, after Indian cinema’s former-sex-godess-turned-boiled-BJP-siren was done, the ceremony begins. But no. First seventy-two commercials of the seventy-seven corporate companies that have sponsored and co-sponsored and co-co-sponsored and co-co-co-sponsored the ceremony. All awful, of course.

The ceremony begins. Finally it does. It really does. Enter Ndia Jameel as one of the two of the show’s hosts.

“Slaanlaikum, bhai saab! Welcome to Rux Style Awards. Rux the largest selling, the most popular, the bestest, the greatest, the most wonderfulist, the most fantabulous manjan in Inida and Pakistan and Papua New Guinea! Here we are again with yet another ceremony of Rux Style Awards, this year being held in the glamorous city of Khatmandu. Well, we wanted them to be held in the glamorous city of Dubai like last year, but Dubai this year finally ran out of oil and water and this meant that our guests would have had to quench their thirst by drinking designer perfumes and having sand for dinner and spending time with former–rich-Arab-shaiks-turned-regular-Bedouin-bums.
The first award is for Best Hair Stylist. And the nominees are: Tariq Ameen for his work on Altaf’s hair; Altaf for his work on Nabeela’s hair; Nabeela for her work on Qazi Hussain Ahmed’ s beard; and Qazi Hussain Ahmed for his work on his wife’s moustache. And the winner is … Qazi Hussain Ahmed!!” Come on up, Qazi saheb.”

“Slaanlaikum, baji. I am honoured to accept this honourable award. I want to dedicate this shandaar award to Bibi Ferhat Hashmi who is on an Islam-bachchao-tour in Las Vegas and bhai Mollana Fazal-ur-Rheman who is in Jallalabad for breakfast ! And may I meet Vaneeza? My wife wants to know from where does she get her moustache waxed?”
“She bleaches them, Qazi saheb. Anyway, now to present the next category of awards, I invite my fellow hostess the lovely, bubbly, chubby Atiqa Odho!”
(Applause).
“Slaanlaikum! Thank you Nadia … chubby tayri maaan, chubby tayri maassi, chubby tayri khala …”
(Cut to seventy-four commercials).
“ … chubby tayri maami, chubby tayri …”
(Cut again to seventy-one commercials).
Empty stage. An announcement: “Ladies & Gentlemen, Atiqa Odho has left the building. (Whisper, whisper, whisper). Oh? Correction, ladies & gentlemen. Atiqa Odho has been LIFTED out of the building. But Nadia’s still around. Come in Nadia.”
“Slaanlaikum! Poor Atiqa. Fat luck. (*giggle*).
(Collective giggling).
“Anyway. Our next award is for best Male Model. And we have invited Iraj to present this award. Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome Iraj!”
(Applause).
“Thank you, thank you, thank you! I want to thank Rux, my mother, my brother, father, grandfather, grandmother, my cat, my naighbour’s cat, my cat’s cat, my …”
“Err … Iraj. You are here to present the award, not receive it. “
“Oh. Okay. So, the nominees for Best Male Model are: Nasir, Wasif, Kamran and Asif.”
Who?
“ Nasir, Wasif, Kamran and Asif.”
“Who the hell are Nasir, Wasif, Kamran and Asif?”
“Who cares, Nadia. They can be Nazim, Kazim, Jibran and Arif, for all I care!”
“Who the hell are Nazim, Kazim, Jibran and Arif?”
“Last year’s nominees.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, but the winner is, Huma Nawab!”
“Huma Nawab?? But she’s a female!!”
“Is she? Ever seen her having noodles?
“Male tayree chachee, male tayree khala, male tayree …!!”
Announcement: “Ladies & Gentlemen. Huma Nawab has left the building. You can find her outside picketing with Atiqa Odho.”
(Cut to picketing scene outside).
“Down with Rux! Use Lifebouy, instead!!”
“Such cows they are. Anyway, thank you Iraj. Now I would like to invite Shaan to present the Best Female Model Award! Ladies & gentlemen, please welcome Shan!”
(Applause).
“Duh!”
(Applause. “Once more, once more!”)
“Duh!”
(Applause. “Once more, once more!”)
“Shaan aap ki intelligence ka raaz kya hai?”
“Rux kay chutpatay paapay!”
“But Shaan jee, Rux doesn’t make paapay.”
“It doesn’t? Oh. Okay. What does it make then?”
“Soap.”
“Oh. I think I once had them for breakfast.”
“You had SOAP for breakfast??”
“No ordinary soap, mind you. But Rux!”
(Applause).
“Can you announce the nominees already?”
“What nominees?”
“Nominees for Best Female Model.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“The nominees damnit!”
“Oh. Okay. The nominees are: Irij for her portrayal of a washed out Amazonian lizard in this year’s Rux commercial; Vaneeza for her portrayal of a weightless piece of red fluff in a Instabone commercial; and Ali Noor and Bilal Maqsood for playing cuteie-pie transvestites in Balls Ice-cream ads!And the winner is: Fakhir for playing a sharing, caring housewife in a Everybabe Milk Whitener commercial!
“But he wasn’t even a nominee?”
“Duh”
“Never mind. Come on up, Fakhir!”
“Slaanlaikum, bhai saab! Thank you Rux for handing me this prestigious award!”
“Duh. Nice dress, dude.”
“Thanks. It was a gift from Haroon. You should see the one he’s wearing. Come on up, Haroon!”
(Applause.)
“Duh. Nice dress, dude.”
“Thanks. It was a gift from Amir Adnan. You should see the one he’s wearing. Come on up Amir …”
“Okay, I think that should do. Thank you Shaan, thank you Fakhir, thank you Haroon. Waisey, you guys should check out the dress Tariq Amin is wearing! Stand up Tariq!”
(Applause).
“Duh. Nice dress dude!”
“Okay. Now time for a song ‘n’ dance routine. Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome Reema, Asharia Roy and Aminah Haq doing a vintage silly as hell dance to an old Kishore Kumar song covered by Ali Zafar but lip-synched here by former Pakistani PM, Mir Zaffarullah Jamali!”
(Applause).
“Err … Qazi saheb, not you, sir. Please take your seat.”
“@£$£@%^$£$@£$%%^!!”
“Yes, thank you, sir. Ladies & gentlemen, Qazi saheb too can now be found with the spooled sport picketeers.
“Gaye soap, Gaye soap!”
Okay, time to discooooo!!”
* Dhish, dhish, bam, bam and all that*
(Applause).
“Okay, on to our next category. The best Male Actor for a Pakistani TV Serial. I invite Mr. Altaf Hussain of the MQM to present this award. Ladies & Gentlemen, Altaf Husaian!!”
(Applause. “Jeeay Mohajr! Jeeay Mohajir!” A phone is bought on the stage. Its receiver is put in front of a microphone.)
“Thank you, thank you. Yet another acting award. Wah bhai. Thank you!”
“Not this year, Altaf bhai. This year you’re here only to present the award.”
“Acha? Chalo, koi baat nahi. Bhaiyoooon!”
(“Jeeeeeeeeee”).
“Asl amualaikum!”
(“Walaikumuslam!”)
“T he nominees for Best Male Actor … apart from me, of course … are: Osama bin Allahdin for his portrayal of a sinister jinn in FOX NEWS’ “Afghani Nights” …
“Err … sorry, Altaf bhai, but I think you are reading the wrong list of nominees.”
“ … Mr. Shaukat Aziz for portraying an ageing yuppie who suddenly discovers the wonders of discarding designer suits for crisp shalwar-kameez …”
“Altaf bhai, I think you are reading the wrong list of nominees!”
“And … what? Wrong list? Oh, whatever, but the winner is Talat Hussain from NA-39, Khiarpur!! What?? Rigging! Rigging! Boycott! Boycott! Rux Murdabad! Lado Soap zindabad!”
“Err … thank you Altaf Bhai (gulp!). So, time now for another typical silly as hell Bollywood dance. Ladies, pastries, gentlemen and pants, please welcome Urmella, Meera and Jamaima Grant for a techno version of Mohammad Rafi’s ‘Kabhi, Khabi’, coupled by Deepak Pirvanee and TFT’s Kamituary for a classical dance version of Abrar-ul-Haq’s ‘Billo Dey Ghar.’ Err … not you Qazi Saheb. Please take your seat.”
“&*^%$%#@#$$$%!!”
“Yes, of course, this is not Mardan, you see. And no, that’s NOT my moustache! Sheesh. Anyway, Ladies & patties, gents and rants, we now come to the last award of the evening. I once again call Shaan to present
it!”
“Duh.”
“Shaan?” ;
“Yes?”
“The nominees, please.”
“Duh. Okay. The nominees for best Editor of a Fashion Publication In Pakistan are: Fareshteh Gati Aslam of Instep; Aslam Fareshteh Gati for Intep; and Fareshteh Of Aslam & Gati off I.I Chundrigarh Road of Instep! And the winner is Qazi Hussain Ahmed of Takbeer!!”
(Booing! “Fraud! Rigging! Rigging!)
“Oh, no. Shaan, do something!!”
“Duh!”
(Cut to sixteen hundred commercials)
“Shaan, do something, pleeeease!”
“Duh, duh!”
“Damn! My moustache … I mean my lipstick! Qazi saheb please come up and receive the award before we are all tear-gassed!!”
“Mahsaallah! Thank you, thank you.”
“Duh! Nice dress, dude.”