Music: Kofta Cola!

Artists: Ali AzmatR. McdonaldTariq Amin, Tina Munim, Idi Amin

Kofta Cola!
By Nadeem F. Paracha


Junoon singer, Ali Azmat recently signed a sponsorship deal with McDonalds to promote their Kofta Burger range....


According to renowned professor of pop sociology, Ali Azmat, man is a social animal in a social circus and whose ultimate fate is to evolve into a Kofta!
He recently demonstrated this in front of renowned, rotten skeptics Fasi Zaka and NFP, by accelerating his superior evolutionary skills by turning into a kofta!
The dramatic demonstration took place at a ubiquitous fast-food joint whose owners paid homage to Azmat’s insightful genius by dressing him like an Arab Bedouin. Exactly why they did this, no one is sure, but Mr. Azmat seemed pretty happy and resigned to live the rest of his life as a kofta.
However, his former assistant, muse and admirer, Dr. Vaneeza Venezuela, is concerned about Azmat’s cloistral levels. She pleaded Ali to re-evolve into a chicken kofta from a mutton one. Azmat brushed aside her suggestion, saying that if his main benefactors, the fast-food joint, want him to remain being a mutt, he would remain a mutt.
“I meant mutton, not mutt, you mutt!” Vaneeza is reported to have screamed, adding, “I liked him better as a carbonated bubble of sugar and water.”
Azmat responded by saying that thanks to Dr. Tariq Amin (an infamous and evil voodoo doctor), he is now kofta and no instead of cola.
This comment made Vaneeza slap her forehead in frustration but even this didn’t stop Azmat from singing “No moorrrree, I am cola no moorreeee …”

Our New York correspondent adds that Dr. Azmat’s former colleague, Chaudery Salman Ahmed, is furious. He said being cola is our identity, our faith, our everything. He hoped that Azmat would come to his senses (and to Patiala). But when told that he (Salman) was neither in Pakistan nor in Patiala but in New York, he said “well, then Pakistan and Patiala would have to come to their senses as well.”
When asked what’s so sensible about New York, Chaudery Salman said, it reminds him of home. When asked how did New York remind him of home, Chaudery Salman said, “Arrey bhai, this is the birthplace of Coca-cola, isn’t it?”
When reminded that he was actually a Pakistani, Chaudery Salman suggested checking out his children’s accents. “American, no?” he asked with a huge grin.
When asked what is the nationality of his former friend, Brian O’ Connell, Chaudery Salman said that Brain was actually a local Punjabi Christian from Gujranwallah whose real name was Bubblu Massi.
Salman said Brain/Babblu used to be a compulsive-obsessive user of Fair & Lovely and he was fired from Junoon Cola (Pvt.) Ltd., when he stopped using Fair & Lovely. “Him being a Christian was a major problem too,” said Salman.
But when told that a majority of Americans and owners of Coca-Cola were Christian too, Salman disagreed saying they were actually Sunni Muslims fighting a revolutionary struggle against their Gujranwallah Christian bosses.
When told that it seems he’s loosing his mind with advancing age, Chaudery Salman insisted he was only 16.
When our correspondent pointed out that his eldest son is about to turn 16, Salman said he got married early, like most New York chauderys. Then after praising America’s gun laws, he shot our correspondent!