Muslims Not Married in America

Muslims in America are delaying getting married because of a prevalence of role confusion and immaturity. As women enter the corporate world, and experience the economic power and independence, they may feel like they don’t need a man. When they do decided to look for a Muslim husband, he doesn’t have the subjective mix of values- east, west and Islamic. As the Muslima’s become more high maintenance, the men are wondering what is the new definition of being a good enough man. The divorce rate among American Muslims has gone from 2% to 35% in one generation. Men are wondering, how do they need to adapt with the new versions of Muslim women. Are we expected to live as domesticated pets, in a life of servitude?

Usually women put a lot of emphasis on the desire to be entertained and complimented by men. Some even say “Lie to me, to make me happy”. I could lie to you, just to please you, and not put forth the bitter truth which is hard to swallow. I am no perfect human, but as Arundhati Roy says “I’m greedy for knowledge, to increase my understanding about life”. I am an ordinary man trying to live an extraordinary life as my teachers told me to do.

How hard is it to find a good man? Or a good woman for marriage? We have no time to read relationship books. We even lack the inclination to listen to the other person to get to know them. Rather we want to control them with our subjective conditions and terms, expecting them to obey. We exhibit the attitude of a closed minded person, instead of having a student’s perspective. Even with a good woman, such topics involving women and men can seem delicate. Yet, one has to see this reality in the examinations of the reasons why the divorce rate among Muslims in skyrocketing. The children of divorce are developing madness which requires Prozac.

The default response is to mindlessly compete, just to get the false satisfaction of feeling right by making the other person wrong. Whatever issue of importance is presented on the table, it can be lazily denied, or angrily discredited, diminished, dismissed and discarded, just for the heck of it, because often we don’t care about solutions. The person with an un-examined life is stubborn and proud of it. A woman may disagree with my line of reasoning, but rather than shooting the messenger of unwelcome news, or exercising the fallacy of personal attack toward me, instead I would encourage you to do a deeper study of relationship issues to see what solutions you could think of and implement - on a personal level toward a man, to the local level toward the immediate circle of family and friends, to the wider global level, toward Muslims and non-Muslims.

Don’t hate me for bringing up a sensitive topic, I’m just wondering what should we do as a solution instead of cutting each other down? If I ask the question, about the belief that a specific behavior is based upon: Dear, is it coming from an Islamic teaching or from egocentrism? Instead of responding to that question with truth, why would you want to shoot me? Just like the million man march ten years ago, we need to hold up a mirror to see the truth so that we can move to the next phase and start working on the solutions. We have been in the initial phase of denial of the problems, for the last 500 years.

Any dominant group doesn’t really have an incentive in self-examination, because they feel since they are “winning” they must be right. America is a female-dominated society as Pakistan is a male-dominated society. We could debate that women need more liberation, equal pay, etc. in America. Yet that aside, it is true that in Pakistan the wife has to serve the man. In America, the husband is told to serve the wife. Both places are out of balance, and thus marriages in both models are often dysfunctional.

A Muslim woman in America has a “new found” power, because her mother was on the opposite side, on the “receiving end”. Newly acquired power, without proper care, can be a sharp sword being wielded dangerously toward others. Just like it is easy to become a person who takes for granted, the good qualities of a polite friend, a woman can become trigger happy and enjoy shooting the man down. She can mistakenly perceive it as being “happy”. The ingredients she contributes to the husband and kids, cannot create a healthy or happy family if her highest priority is self-aggrandizement, and her egotistical, selfish approach towards others is: “me, myself and I”.

Buyer Beware of Imitations and Fake Muslims: The use of a website called Shaadi.com is intended for the purposes of marriage. But it seems mostly being used by women who are looking for a temporary fix: to combat boredom, curiosity, confusion. They are usually in the dating mode, and not ready for that commitment, discipline and self-sacrifice needed for marriage by the parents.

Today, in a super consumer society promoted by TV and fashion, a woman is materially rewarded for becoming short sighted and developing the illusion that she is the most valuable commodity in heaven and earth. Yet a woman who does not contain the ingredient of (giving) respect toward men, she becomes a poison.

Thus there is no shame in being badtameez (rude) and badikhlaq. And there is no intention of khuloos (sincerity) in conversations. Our people practice the religion of egocentrism, much more than the teachings of Islam.

In the profile, when one identifies oneself as a muslim, what does it mean?
It is just a box one checks on a form, and nothing more?

Hamza Yusuf explains that the Quran describes three types of humans. One could say there are three types Muslims as well:
(1) Momin: Those who are the same outside as inside and follow a righteous path in life
(2) Kafir: They are the same inside and out, but don’t believe in living an honorable life, for example, based on the teachings of Islam. Good point is at least you know what you’re getting.
(3) Munafiq: They are different on the inside, from what they appear on the outside. Their major trait is lying. In the psychology of self-deception, they often believe they are good.

A definition of a munfiq is one who talks about Islam, but does not practice it in behavior. In Surat Al-Baqara, there is one Ayat describing the Mominoon and one describing the Kafiroon. Yet there are thirteen Ayaat describing the Munafiqoon, some say because there are so many of them.


How much validity is in the statement that the daily behavior of Americans is better than Daysees? To qualify the above, lets look at middle-class Americans versus middle-class Pakistanis. There may be three common ailments among Americans: Racism, sex, alcohol. If those flaws are put in one side of the balance, and their good qualities are put in the other side of the equation, are non-Muslim Americans better human beings than Pakistanis? Similarly, what are the pros and cons of Pakistanis, and when these are weighed objectively, (with justice rather than with personal biases, patriotism and personal loyalties), are their good qualities heavier than their negative ones? God only knows best. What does Iqbal say in Jawab-e-Shikwa, about the characteristics of a Muslim we are not practicing? The jury’s always out, yet based on general tendencies and personal encounters, one could draw probable conclusions.

A friend said something tragic to me over the weekend: Most people who identify themselves as Muslim are actually Munafiq. Based on the basics which we don’t practice. For example, we don’t pray five times, we don’t give zakat, we backbite and put bohtaan to put down others, we practice racism, classism, gender discrimination, materialism, self-deception, have neurotic superiority complexes with a thousand self-righteous excuses, pass judgements on others, worship the west and fair skins, lie, cheat, live and give mixed messages. This is why we are a defeated ummah. Then we make the lame excuse, oh don’t judge islam based on the behavior of the Muslims. So if Muslims are not practicing Islam, then are they Muslim? Or just pretending?

I didn’t like what he said. Yet I couldn’t argue with his point, because there was truth in what he said. Just because I don’t like it, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Perhaps the diagnosis could be all summed up into two words. All our diseases stem from being egotistical and arrogant.

The disease is so rampant that it is very difficult to find a Muslim couple in America who is not in a dysfunctional relationship. It seems that is why both women and men are delaying marriage as long as possible.

Cornel West says there is a big difference between Optimism and Hope. The situation of the Muslim community is not optimistic.

The song by Mizrab says "Ma’yoosi haraam hay".

The Quran says "La Tahzanu", don’t despair. Though it is easy to get discouraged about the state of the Muslims of today.

In the words of Jesse Jackson, one must
"Keep Hope Alive"