Inzamam and Allah

Inzamam ul Haq is cute. He is no doubt a giant of man in physique and so is his performance on the cricket grounds. I find him amusing and rather cute when he speaks to Ramiz Raja at the end of a match. He is a true Muslim and reflects that through humility, the beard and the way he gives credit to God almighty for his teams’ stellar performances.

We know our favorite celebrities pretty well and can almost guess how they will react or reply to a question. I have never had the pleasure of meeting the gentleman. Following is a presumed interview with him.

Inzamam, you have done very well as a batsman and in the capacity of a captain in the recent series played against the English team. What are the factors that transformed our team into a fighting machine, like a bunch of hungry tigers?
“Bismillah hirrohama nirroaheem. Assalam o alaikum. First of all thanks to Allah my boys is play well in all match. No, we not hungry. We with much money and eat only halal meat all time”.

Do you give any credit to the coach for cleansing of atmosphere in the dressing room and doing away with the politics that was going on there?
“Thanks to Allah Bob Woolmer is England and good coach. His plots and schemes not real estate but game”.

Yes that we know. Do you have any specific comments to make?
“Thanks to Allah my bowlers is play well and too many youngsters in Pakistan”.

We see a remarkable change of attitude in Shoab Akhtar.
“Yea. Before he look girls in stadium now he look at balls. He look pictures of girls in his hotel room and lock door. Play himself good”.

What is your assessment of Danish Kaneria?
“Inshaallh he soon Mohammad Danish”.

It used to be you who did not run well between the wickets. Yousuf has become just as unsure in running ever since change of name.
“He now no shave and grow beard like many our good Muslim players”.

What about the individual performances with the bat?
“Thanks to Allah I play is well and all the other boys is play well”.

You have had weight problem for quite sometime.
“Yea. Weight no go so I keep beard. Fat and beard together make look good Muslim”.

Please comment on the first one-day-match at Qadafi stadium, Lahore. Why did we not perform to our optimum potential and lose the match?
“Thanks to Allah we loses match and England play well. Qadafi no more ex (axis) of evil. Only one Muslim country in ex evil top ranking at one time. Before Libya, after that Iraq and now Iran. Dick Checheneya and George bin Bush likes Libya but not Rums and field. Muslim drink no rums in field. Thanks to Allah we lose play not for rums drinking”.

Do you think the reason of us not catching up with their score was foggy and misty conditions that you had to face in the latter part of the day?
“Thanks to Allah our boys not see ball in fog and we not score like England (pause) England play good”.

Your comments on the England side.
“They is good side but only one Muslim. He shave and no beard. I think may be not from Bardford Shareef”.

Why did you not play in the final match?
“ I sit eitkaf in the dressing room ”.

The President was gracious to invite both the teams for tea. What did he talk to you about that evening?
“Lot of good foods (loud burp) Shukar Alhamdolillah.Yea, President talk me cricket and future play of the Q league. I say more matches in Q league make good batsman and bowler. A good full time faizotherpic for me need, also a permanent runner and a fielder. He say Sheikh Rashid and I say only in Pindi”.

Do you think a non-partisan like Woolmer can solve the problems of infighting within the Q league?
“Thanks to Allah I does not knows politics. Javed Miandad good politics”.

The President cancelled an important appointment with his tailor to attend the fourth and crucial match. That demonstrates not only his interest in sports in general but also how keenly he follows the game of cricket in particular. You must have been pleased to see him watch the game.
“Thanks to Allah he give money to boys. No other general need to bounce into cricket. They good in business and may be something else”.

What did he whisper to you at the award ceremony?
“He aankh maro and say, money give boys from the earthquake fund England give. He the England rob and rule us double century. Now we even score”.

Both the cricket teams have generously donated money to the cause of rehabilitation of the victims of the earthquake. That is a noble gesture.
“Thanks to Allah people die in earthquake. We meet earthquake people. I sorry many legbreaks (sigh)”.

It must have been a gut-wrenching experience to see the seriously injured, the traumatized and the maimed young kids.
“Thanks to Allah little childs hurt badly. Yea, our top-order Muslim do sin in sixes and fours making fastest centuries in every game. God angry and googly to bowl out old Kashmiri man, poor woman and childs for our bad play”.

The president has astutely offered to soften the LOC to facilitate the families parted for two generations, and to bring about peace in the region. Do you support the President on this issue?
“Yea, me and boys sportsman. Cricket good sport. President Mohammad Pervez Musharraf like sport. Thanks to Allah all Pakistani man, woman and babies like sport”.

We have Indian team visiting us soon after Christmas. We commonly perceive the cricket ground as a battlefield between the two warring nations. Does that fact put you under more pressure to win than when you play against teams from other countries?
“Thanks to Allah India enemy country. Mashaalalh we lose all other places but not cricket”.

It is a game we play and not fight a war to fly the green flag on Lal Qilla. Surely, playing and watching sports is just for entertainment and different from what happens on the front line, on the negotiation tables and International forums.
“Cricket good sport. I no likes war. Boys is no likes war, we friend in cricket all peoples”.