The Litmus Test

Every once in a while armchair columnists like myself get the urge to actually go out there and get our hands dirty to discover the quantitative truth – the tangible. Since 1998 one of the things we’ve been hearing about is how the image of Pakistan has improved drastically and now we’re held in high esteem by the nations of the world – something that was missing before or so we were told. Millions of rupees of tax payer money has been dumped into the “improving the image of Pakistan” exercise, millions of frequent flyer miles have been racked up at our expense, and hundreds of government officials and politicians have trotted the globe. Had the money been well spent on our very own flying circus we could all have been pleased about our money being well spent. Alas my little experiment has burst my bubble.

Not having been on a vacation for three years unlike the entire Cabinet and the National Assembly who are on perpetual vacation, I decided that a family vacation with the wife was long due and a trip to sunny California was planned. My wife being the smarter one of us told me to apply for my US visa in January, but I told her that PM Aziz and General Musharraf had improved the country’s image immensely and now that we’re a front line state in the “war against terror” it would be ridiculous to apply for a visa six months before traveling. So early March I sent in all my documents which included two well stamped passports (one with a valid multiple Schengen visa) to the US Embassy. So far so good. I was called in for an interview on April 19th and a polite visa officer told me that I should have my passport in a month in time for me to travel though it did have to be sent to DC for a background check. Went home to tell the wife that everything was under control just as I had though thanks to Shaukat Aziz and General Musharraf’s numerous trips to Washington to cement ties and to “improve” Pakistan’s image.

The weeks passed with absolutely no news and as our travel date of the 22nd of May got closer I started to feel a tad nervous. I kept telling the wife that given the number of trips sundry MNA’s and other enlightened members of PM Aziz’s cabinet have made it to the US there would be absolutely no way that there’s be a problem. Alas, the brother in law was graduating on the 26th of May from our alma mater and there was no way that the 22nd of May could be moved up. The wife left alone for the trip with me promising to join her. Calls and emails to the Embassy were completely unhelpful until finally three and a half months after I had sent my passport I got my visa. I found myself headed out on the first flight from the motherland expecting a hero’s welcome at Los Angeles international airport. I was after all coming from the front line state and our Prime Minister had improved our image tremendously after his tenure.

Immigration was straightforward until I hit customs. A thorough bag check for all Pakistanis on the flight while everyone from Hong Kong and Bangkok breezed right through. “We have a Husain on aisle 5”, and a large gentleman from Homeland Security appeared to escort me to a special area on the side of the airport. Where was the red carpet and the band? Going into “interview room 5” I was asked a series of questions about why I was in the US and how long I’d be there and the answers punched into a computer. The Homeland Security officer was quite pleasant so I asked him if he had heard of PM Aziz and the flying circus. He looked confused and asked, “Isn’t General Moo-sharaf the dictator there?” “Well he’s the President now and Shaukat Aziz is the PM now as we’ve become a democracy like you guys.”

Completely unconvinced the Homeland Security Officer replied in the negative that he’d never heard of him. I pressed on. But he flies all over the world spending millions of dollars trying to improve Pakistan’s image especially in the US was my reply. “Well he’s not doing a great job if yer sitting here is he?” Hmmm. He certainly got me thinking on that one.

Next stop a BBQ in Pasadena at a friend’s house where old college friends were reuniting after many a year. Most of them are well educated, well read, and successful people – a smattering of investment bankers, social workers, lawyers, entrepreneurs, and a few actors thrown in for good measure. “So what do you guys think of our Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz?”
“Shau who?”
“Isn’t he the Saudi King or something?”
“Don’t you have General Moo-sharaf in control?”
“Ex-Citibanker who looks good in a suit and smiles like a Cheshire cat on demand? Doesn’t that ring a bell?”, I enquired optimistically.
“Ah yes, wasn’t he head of Citibank Private Banking when the Salinas, Omar Bongo, and Zardari cases came up before Congress?”, came the reply from a banker friend who’s a trivia buff.
Thank God! Finally.
“Didn’t General Moo-sharaf have two Pekense dogs?”, asked a friend who loves dogs.

That did it for me. If Shaukat Aziz and General Musharraf’s dogs were brands, it seems that the dogs have won the brand recognition contest hands down. And that too without the help of Mehreen Khan, assorted PR mavens who have no clue about PR, and millions of rupees being spent on junkets. The bottom line is that it’s time to do something different than what’s being done now if Pakistan is to overhaul it’s huge image problem especially in the United States, and this overhaul will take a whole lot more than smarmy morons invading DC like locusts in the summertime. Bring on the Pekenese please!