Pakistani Men Just Don’t Know How

"Hello, Salaam-aleykum, is this Rubina?" I asked.

"Wa-aleykum-assalam, yes," she replied curiously.

"This is Kamran. Your mother gave me your phone number. I hope this isn't a complete surprise."

"No, no, it isn't. I was expecting your call. How are you, Kamran?"

[Hmmm...slight accent. Kinda cute.]

K: I'm OK, how're you? Can you talk?

R: Oh, sure, I was just watching Ally McBeal. It just ended. Yeah, we can talk.

K: Really, I was just watching that too. Do you like that show?

R: I do...yes.

K: Me too.

(Pause)

K: Do you find this awkward, Rubina? May I call you Rubina?

R: Rubina's fine. No, I don't. Do you?

K: Not really. Just wondering.

K: So your mother tells me that you live in Dallas by yourself. Is that so?

R: Yes, I have a roommate. She's an American girl. We're very good friends. Known her since college.

K: Good to have good friends.

(Pause)

K: So how do you spend your time?

[This is awkward. This is so awkward.]

What do you mean? Like what do I do?

K: Sure, that. And after work.

[I?m trying to make conversation, hello!]

R: Well, I work as an accountant-in-training at a CPA's office during the day. And at night, um, evenings, I don't know....stuff. It's hard to
come up with an example right now. Movies, dancing, clubs, I guess. How about you?

K: Well, I'm a computer engineer...did your mother tell you that?

R: (Laughs) Yes, she did.

K: What's funny? (I smile wryly)

R: Well, she read the ad your parents took out in the DesiTimesJournal.

K: Really.....I had no idea my parents took out an ad in the DesiTimesJournal. What did it say? Tell me.

R: It said something about computer professional, 29, handsome, personable, lucrative 6-figure salary...

K: No way!

[This is embarrassing.]

R: That's what she told me...(pause) Is it all true? (she laughs)

[Well, when is a six-figure salary not lucrative, honey?]

K: Some of it is subjective opinion, of course. The rest is fact.

R: Uh-huh, which parts are fact?

K: Well, I suppose the part about my profession, age, and salary.

R: You're 29, right?

K: Uh huh, your mother must have told you that. And you're 24.

R: Yup.

K: Is that a good age difference in your opinion?

R: Depends on what for, I suppose. (She says tongue-in-cheek)

K: Well, what did you have in mind? (I play along)

R: Nothing....I think it's a very good difference. Just right.

[Well, that's encouraging. Although I wish she were two years older. I have a hard time relating to women much younger than me. Differing
perspectives, differing priorities.]

R: So what do you look like, Kamran?

[Let's get right down to it, shall we?]

K: I can send you a picture but since I'm only about a 100 miles away, why don't we meet soon and decide if we want to pursue this.
Pictures tell less than half the story, I feel.

R: They give you an idea, at least....so you can put a face to the voice. But yeah, our society's way too looks-oriented. It's worse in desi
culture, I think, than in American culture.

K: Oh, I totally agree.

[Who's kidding who here?]

R: Well, tell me something that is unique about you? No, that sounds too interview-ish. Have you read any philosophy?

K: I've read a fair amount. Mostly Western though. Have you as well?

R: I did. Studied quite a lot of social science in college. Do you have any philosophical observations about the world, life?

K: Well, I've often wondered how Radio Shack stays in business?

[Bad joke.]

(She laughs out loud).

R: That's funny.

(Feeling good, I continue)

K: A professor in college used to say about Radio Shack that all they sell is yesterday's technology at tomorrow prices. I don't know how
they survive.

R: Yeah, I actually walked into one the other day looking to buy a PC. But figured out pretty quickly that that was not the place for it. I'm
pretty computer-illiterate, I may as well tell you. I have an old Macintosh that doesn't even have a modem. But I have a killer
sound-system though.

K: Really, what was the last CD you bought?

R: Tangerine Dreams and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. I bought the two CDs together yesterday.

[Interesting. Typical]

K: Eclectic choices. Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan has become quite popular with ABCDs lately though. Especially since his death, I think.

R: I'm not ABCD. I lived in Pakistan till I was 15.

K: Huh....I'm happy to hear that....you don't have much of an accent either. I was there till I was 12. It's good to meet someone who's been
exposed to both cultures. Usually I meet one extreme or the other. I think that's why I have zero Pakistani friends. Much to my mother's
disappointment.

R: I'm the same way. I guess I don't go out looking to meet Pakistani people. If it happens, it happens. I don't try to force it.

(She grows quiet)

K: Are you religious at all, Ruby?

R: Honestly....last time I prayed was 5 years ago. How about you?

[A woman after my heart.]

K: It's been a while. I'm more or less an agnostic anyway.

R: Really! I too have trouble with this dogmatic concept of God.

[Wow! She could be the one. There?s hope here yet.]

K: What do you believe then?

R: Religion is the opiate of the masses.

[So she's read some Marx.]

K: How refreshing to find a desi girl with that attitude?

R: You ain't seen nothin' yet, baby. (She laughs)

K: I?m afraid to ask?.

R: Do you drink?

K: Well...lately I've been trying to stop altogether.

R: I don't believe in social drinking. It's something I'm not comfortable with. (She was blunt)

[Didn't expect that one.]

K: Have you never tasted alcohol then?

R: Ummm.....

K: C'mon. Confession time. (I smile)

R: OK...I had a Zima once.

[No accounting for taste, I guess.]

K: That counts, I hate to tell you. Anything else?

R: I ordered a virgin Margarita once. But they put liquor in it anyway.

K: And you didn't protest?

R: Well, I wanted to....but I ended up finishing the whole thing. (She laughs). It was actually pretty good.

[I can?t explain why but I'm drawn to her.]

K: And that's the tally then?

R: A shot of tequila on a dare. But that's it, I swear.

K: Uh huh. (I smile). I took a wine-tasting class in California.

R: No way! That is totally cool.

K: Really, I thought a moment ago...

R: No, no, it's a total turn-on for me.

K: A turn-on....O...K...

[Is she for real?]

R: So we're both going straight to hell, but at least we'll be there together.

[Hmm....bold statement. Risky.]

K: I see you're a liberal.

R: Totally. Why do you think I live away from my parents? I couldn't handle the ridiculous restrictions they would try to place on me. Don't
get me wrong. I love them. But we don't exactly see the world through the same lens. Do you know what I mean?

K: Oh, I do...by the way, when was the last time you went to Pakistan?

R: I went to Lahore a couple of years back. You wouldn't believe what's happening among the youth of Pakistan. We in the US think we're
so Westernized. We don't do "anything". They do "everything".
Do you know that when I was there, lesbian parties were all the rage?

K: Lesbian parties? In Lahore? You gotta be kidding me?

R: I'm not. Everything happens in Pakistan. We just don't know about it here. We choose not to know about it here.

K: Lesbian parties. I guess I'm totally out of the loop. Err....did you attend one by any chance?

R: Oh, yeah, Kamran....didn't my mother tell you I like girls too?

[I know she?s kidding. She has to be kidding.]

K: Yeah, in fact she also gave me your girlfriend's number. I'm calling her after I get off the phone with you.

(She laughs coquettishly)

R: Trust me, you don't want her. She doesn't appreciate men the way I do.

K: Well, maybe I'll find out for myself.

[I know she's joking about this whole thing. But I'm half hoping she isn't.]

R: Have you been to a website called "chowk"?

[The comment about "appreciating men" just registered.]

K: Chowk?

R: Yeah, it's www.chowk.com. Check it out. I think you'll find it enlightening.

K: What is it about?

R: It's mostly Muslim South Asians writing about their experiences. But just about anything goes. It is refreshing to see all the different
perspectives desis have.

K: Oh, I believe it. We do "everything", you know?

R: Sure you do. (She giggles). I'm sorry but Pakistani men just don't know how to appreciate a woman, let alone make love to her.

[Excuse me?! What gall?]

K: I haven't heard any complaints yet.

R: Had many lovers, have you?

K: I haven?t heard any complaints yet.

R: Good for you. (She laughs).

[Great. We?re all so sexually experienced. Now what? What planet is this chick from?]

K: Anyway, I'll check out that website.

R: Yeah, tell me what you think.

(Pause)

K: You know the funniest thing happened to me today on the way back from Border's. A woman pulled over next to me at a light and
motioned me to roll down my window. She goes, ?what do you think of this lipstick??

(She ignores my story)

R: What did you buy at Border's?

K: A book of poetry and a book of prose.

R: Really, who by?

K: John Donne and Hanif Kureishi's "Intimacy". Are you familiar?

R: No, I haven't read much poetry. I'd like to. Maybe you can educate me.

[Hmmm?no comment about Kureishi. Maybe she just hasn?t heard of him.]

K: What have you read lately?

R: I just finished an Anne Rice novel.

K: I've never read her. She writes erotic, horror, fantasy stuff, right?

R: Get out! You mean you've never read "The Vampire Chronicles"?!!

K: No, I haven't. I'm Lestat-deprived.

R: Do you like stuff like that, by the way?

[She didn?t get my reference]

K: Erotica...sure.

R: I didn't mean...

K: I know....I'm only kidding. Have you read any though?

R: Anais Nin. Delta of Venus.

K: Yeah, I bought that in college years ago.

R: The Olympia Reader...Nancy Friday...Eva Miller.

K: OK, you're clearly well-versed. (I smile)

R: It's an easy topic to be interested in. (She laughs)

[What do you say to that?]

(Pause)

K: Are you getting bored?

R: No, just a little tired. You know any jokes?

K: Only inappropriate ones, I'm afraid.

R: Cool...they're usually the funniest ones.

K: I don't know....

R: Oh, please, I know lots of dirty jokes and I loathe political correctness.

[This woman-girl and her wily ways.]

K: OK...then you go first.

R: I asked first. (She laughs)

K: OK...let me think...a Jewish friend of mine told me this one. What do you call 8 continuous days of oral sex?

R: What?

[I can hear her smile.]

K: Hannukah Lewinsky.

(She totally cracks up)

R: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

K: Oh I don't know, Rubina, what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

R: Eat-a-lot-o-puss. (She laughs out loud)

[My God!]

(I felt my cheeks flush when she said that)

K: I don't believe you just said that. (I said half-truthfully...although it was a pretty funny punch line)

R: That was one of my clean ones, darling.

[Darling!? What?s up?]

K: I'm very afraid to ask for a dirty one then. (I laugh)

R: Do you speak Urdu at all?

K: Yes, I do, I spent half my life in Karachi, remember?. I still know it. Speak it mostly with my parents and sisters though.

R: Chalo...baat karo Urdu may.

K: Theek hay. To sunaiyeh kuch.

R: Aap pehlay.

[All demure now.]

K: Meh pehlay....OK....

R: Nah, too wierd and unnatural.

K: Yeah, I agree. See, I never learned any curse words in Urdu. I left Pakistan too early to learn all the colorful terms.

R: You mean gaaliyaan?

K: No...I know those. I never learned how to say the names for the...umm...private body parts in Urdu. I know them in English but I never
learned the Urdu words for them.

R: Omigod...no way. I don't believe you.

K: I didn't.

R: So you don't know the word for...err...the male genitalia?

K: The male genitalia?? Who says that?

R: You know what I mean....penis.

[I?m strangely turned-on by her words.]

K: No, I really don't, Rubina. Do you?

(She laughs quietly).

R: I don't believe you.

K: I'm telling you, I don't know. I never learned. Never had any desi friends teach me in this country either. Tell me if you're comfortable
telling.

R: I don't care.....OK....(she pauses)....(giggles)...."lund". Lund.

K: How strange? Doesn't evoke any reaction in me whatsoever? Lund. Lundddd. See the P-word is so much more powerful for me. I'm
deprived I suppose.

[Or depraved.]

R: The P-word...?? (she say out loud) Are you embarrased to say it?

K: Kind of. It goes back to when I was 15 and had my first sexual experience. The girl was reading me the good parts of a Harold Robbins
novel and every time she'd get to the...y'know...p-word...she'd whisper it in my ear. She was too embarrased to say it. And I guess ever
since then I am too. Kind of.

R: That was your first sexual experience....we won't go there. Oh....another word for it is "laura".

K: Laura....yeah, yeah, I know that one. Oh, funny story, a friend of mine, American chick, went to India to study Urdu and had a rude
awakening because....of course...her name is Laura.

R: Oh, God, poor girl.

K: Yeah, she quickly chose to go by the nickname Noora. Interesting choice of nick names, I always thought.

R: Yeah, that is.....and I suppose you don't know the Udru word for...umm..the v-word either.

K: V-word? (I laugh)

R: V-word....vagina, vagina, vagina...are you totally shocked?

[I am. I can't believe the turn this conversation has taken. But I'm not hating it either.]

K: Honestly, yes. (I'm laughing though). So what is it?

R: You're enjoying this, aren't you?

K: Honestly, yes. (I?m still laughing)

R: Good. (She laughs) I'd be insulted if you weren't.

(Pause)

R: It sounds very much like the English word.

K: You mean...pussy?

R: Uh-huh.

K: Like how?

R: Like "phudh-dy" (She giggles)

K: My God....I'm appalled, Rubina. (I pretend).

[She really has no shame. I have to marry her.]

R: Sure, you are. What about breasts?

[She's clearly into this.]

K: What about them? (I laugh) Oh I think I know that one.....isn't it "chaatee"?

R: No, no, no....you don't know anything, baby. That just means chest, in general.

K: What do you call 'em then?

R: Mum-may.

[I'm so turned on, I can't begin to express...]

(She grows quiet)

[I'm uncomfortable all of a sudden.]

K: I feel that we're treading on precarious ground, having never even met face-to-face and this being our first conversation.

R: So tell me...when was the last time you had sex?

K: Excuse me?!

R:(She laughs) I'm kidding...I'm kidding...just wanted to get a rise out of you...haha...no pun intended. Seriously though, why do you think
that way?

K: Well, it is possible that once we see each other, we may not feel the same way. And then what?

R: Do you really believe that, Kamran?

[She seems sad.]

K: I'm just saying that it is possible. My experience with desi girls raised in this country is that they tend to favor Western looks. Which I
cannot supply.

R: Well, American men are taller. So we get used to that.

K: By that scale, the average American woman has bigger breasts.

R: (She laughs) That's not true, Kamran.

K: Well, it doesn't matter anyway, since I like everything flat. Kansas, pancakes, ironing boards.

R: You're going to be disappointed then. (She states matter-of-factly)

(Silence now)

K: Ahem, well. Where to go from here.

[Where indeed? I?ll have to meet her now for sure]

R: What kind of clothes do you like to wear?

[Clothes? What kind of question is that?]

K: At work, it's called business-casual, so no ties. Slacks and collared T-shirts. After work, jeans, shorts, T-shirts. I guess I don't spend a
lot of time thinking about it. Do you like to wear American or traditional?

R: Well, at work, of course, I wear business dress suits. In the evenings, I prefer long skirts to shalwar kameez any day. Actually, I really
like to wear dresses and long skirts.

K: No shorts?

R: Well, not outside. But at home lounging around, sure. Shorts, lingerie, anything.

[Really? How do you say "lingerie" in Urdu? What're you wearing now?]

K: Uh-huh. (I smile).

(Pause)

[This has to end soon.]

K: What time is it, Ruby?

R: It's half past 2.

K: Wow, we've been talking for hours, do you realize? I guess conversation isn't a problem.

R: No, I guess it isn't.

K: Did you enjoy our talk?

R: Yes, I did. Did you?

K: I did. Very much.

R: But I have more questions for you.

K: So do I. Tomorrow night, same time?

R: I'll be waiting.

K: OK, then. Sweet dreams, Ruby.

R: G'night, Kamran.