War, What is it Good For?

War…what is it good for? (Elaine Benice from Seinfeld, explaining what the original name for War and Peace was)

“So there might be a war huh? Hmm, that’s no fun.”

“No, no fun.”

“I thought they were going to go to war with the Afghans though?”

“They will have to use our airspace.”

“That’s not friendly.”

“They’re not friendly.”

Gump gump gump

“So what facilities have they asked for?”

“All of them.”

“What’s the government saying?”

“That they’re thinking about it. It’s a complex issue yaar.”

Yeah, if we let them use our 24 public toilets, what are the rest of us going to do.”

“Same old same old..”

Tee hee..Gump gump gump

“Hey do you think they’ll bring those reconstructed mobile toilets with them? Maybe the government will get them to leave them behind?”

“That would be soo great!”

“Yeah yeah, we should send the General an email.”

“They already thought of it, it’s in the evening papers.”

“Yaar, why do our politicians have to be so smart? They think of everything.”

Uhuhuh…gump gulp gump

“What else are we going to ask for?”

“Prefabricated homes for the homeless, and some teachers for the ghost schools.”

“Think they’ll cave?”

“What’s a toilet or two between friends?’

“And they loved us once.”

“Yeah..But then they went and did that thing.”

Too right…gump gumple mumble”

“What?’

“I said ‘I hate when it’s over’.”

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned etc. (gump gump) Gum?”

“No thanks, cutting back.”

“New local brand, ‘American pride’.”

“Let me get my teeth into that baby then.”

At least we Pakistanis can be sure we can defend ourselves. Sure they might have more conventional weapons, but how are they going to deal with our indigenously prepared ones? I’m not referring to the Al Khalid though (God bless its pivots); I’m talking about the previously unmentioned, seldom celebrated but nonetheless cataclysmic potential of our most effective internal weapons! Drugs and dogs!

See, any idiot can aim a big gun at an Al Khalid tank (precedent: idiots blew up WTC), but what’s he going to aim at when people crawl from the sewers beneath him and jab him in the butt with a used hypodermic syringe? A dollar a gram, cheaper than X amount per bullet, and heroin will wipe them right off the streets and straight into promised rehabilitation centers across the globe. ‘Asiawar syndrome” they’ll call it, “causes war veterans to fondle themselves in public and then twitch a lot.”

And if these wily people seek to disperse our syringe-wielding populace with tear gas, they will face the ultimate in chemical and biological warfare, ‘the cloud which brings no peace.” Customs and coast guards officials have been practicing the move in naked stealth for decades now, piling up hashish and opium and learning to control the passage of the wisp across the landscape, burning till all is smoke, everybody has the munchies, and would-be warriors rest their heads on concrete pavements and dream of water. Which is where the dogs come in.

We might not have alsatians and labs and rottweilers, but we certainly have strays. And keeping in mind that the training conditions for these canine commandos are tougher than those of the Sardaukar training planet Selusa Secundus in Sci Fi classic Dune, these puppies are no pushovers. Especially if you can’t see them coming because you are feeling blissful in the smoke. And then let the games begin.

“Aim for its head John aim for its head!”

“I can’t, it’s dissecting my lower intestines!”

We’re not afraid of savagery then. Give us some money, love.