Miss Hoor-e-Pakistan

Date Posted: Jun-6-00 2:24:22 EST Reply #: 64
Mannyd

“ Just curious. Is there ever a Miss Pakistan contest? If there is, is the beauty criteria based on shapely ankles only?”
__________________________________________ _____________________

My dear Manny:

It is obvious you are not privy to happenings there. The beauty contests in Pakistan are the best kept secrets outside of why some of the nuclear arsenal is placed in the Rann of Kutch and Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan’s old girl friend was from the wrong side of Kargil. You don’t think we were just plain stupid to occupy those heights for nothing, do you? Here is how it goes:

The yearly winner is called Miss Hoor-e-Pakistan, your equivalent of Miss Houston or Miss Mississaugua. They are selected on an yearly basis in the month of Shawwal, following the Eid ul Fitr. But unlike Miss Houston, representing the city, these Miss Hoors represent more than a city in Pakistan. They represent a whole different way of living and some say dying.

The Jamiat-e-Ahl-e-Sunnat have their own Miss Hoor 2000: just as Jamiat-e-Ahl-e-Sunnat-wal-Hadis have their own: just as Tehrik-e-Jafariya have their own: just as Sipah-e-Sahabah have their own: just as Peoples Party has their own (and no! it is not Miss Beyzameer of the Chairperson-for-life infamy! they actually elect a new one every year): just as PML has their own: just as Harkat maiN Barkat has their own: just as Jamaat-e-Islami has their own: even Jamiat-e-Talabaa have their own Miss Teen Hoor-e-Jamiate.

Around the same time in Pakistan, remember I told you it is the month of Shawwal?-- the one that follows Ramadaan-- the one where butchery is neither ordained nor advised! Oh, and as I was informing you, around the same time in Pakistan, yes Shawwal, see you remember, even the Indians in Pakistan are caught up in the fervor and general festivities in the air. The Indians in their fortified, debugged Embassy in Islamabad select their own pretty face for freshness, youth and innocence, they dub her Miss Raw.

Then there is a competition between these misses’ mothers for the other most sought after title of Miss Umm-ul-Hoor. Some cynics call her Bibi Hawwa. Understandably, your Miss Raw is not allowed to participate in either of the contests.

The Miss Hoor competition is quite unlike what you must be familiar with. First, except for one event during the contest, they must remain invisible in a black burqah, with only their eyes, hands and ankles ogle-able. For the alleged event following the contest they can participate sans burqah. Sadly, I cannot give you a first person account of those events. Scout, Shandy, Sobia, semipreciousme, RakaPo$h,, sweetnsour, fara, anyone please feel free to offer insights.

The misses and near misses are judged on the following criteria:

1: Best qir’aat (recitation) of Surah Yasin while standing. And Du’a-e-Qunoot while sitting. It has to be from memory. Unlike regular school examinations and tests, cheating is not officially sanctioned. No glancing at the palms or hands while reciting. The judges, (beards and stern deprived looks a must) only tolerate cheating when numbers are involved. Big numbers.

2: They have to recite the full linkages up to each narrator’s grandfather for any of the 144 hadiths, picked randomly out of a huge green replica pugree. (Naturally the stern faced, deprived looking judges get to select these hadiths.)

3: In smaller towns, there is a One Matka, Two Matka water drawing competition. Fastest bucket out of the well into the matka (earthen pitcher) and then carrying it over a distance of one hundred feet to the finishing line, twice.

(a) With one matka hugging hips.
Marks awarded for hand movement, degree of tilt, swing, balance, natural exuberance and strength. (Catcalls from the town loafers are discouraged and if they persist, they are dispatched to the farthest neighbourhood mosque for a hundred nawafils.)

(b) With two matkas balanced on head.
Additional marks are awarded for balance, poise, walk and rhythm.

Seiko is (naturally) the official sponsor of this event.

4: In the cities the competitors have to display their agility by climbing on a moving bus that is traveling at no more than 15 MPH. This segment is usually pre-taped. Just for this event burqah is shed and contestants are allowed to wear modest shalwar kameez and dupatta. Oh yes, even shalwar kameez can be risqué and provocative. Like the ones worn by Aishwariya, Karishma, Raveena and company in those wet-n-wild dance sequences.

Contestants are judged on:
--ease of movement (steps taken)
--grip (using one hand or both hands)
--swing (flow and motion)
--landing (one foot or both feet)
--number of attempts
--weight carried.

5: Expressive eyes. This is how stern faced beards get to within breathing distance of contestants. With their eyes, sans any make up, remember we are still in the Islamic something or the other of Pakistan, the contestants have to instantly emote with their expressive eyes their reaction to:

--Qari Abdul Basit Mohammed Abdul Samad’s rendition of Fabay aiyyah aalaahey rabbaykuma...
--Ayub Khan delivering Hum so cRorR Pakistani jin kay dil..
--Mullah Omar from his convocation address to the Kinnaird College beginning with Aa’maara baino, maa’dro..
--express with eyes phrases ji nahi, shukria when offered tea, and abhi nahi, baad main in response to being offered sweets, without even a slight movement of the head. (Please wipe that incredulous look from your brows. The utterances do not imply what you thought they implied.)

6: Poise
(a) Walking:
--with 20 lbs. of books in a knapsack
--with a crying brat with running nose, weighing approx. 20 lbs., straddling the waist, covering at least 50 feet. (Actually the program reads, maasoom bachchay ko goad maiN laiker bees qad’m chalna. The crying comes from stage fright. And the running nose because of all that crying and mishandling by the contestants.

(b) Posture:
-- Normal -- as in somebody a hundred yards away trying (and failing) to stop a Kalshnikov bullet
-- Shocked -- as the person standing next to you suddenly drops dead. Innalillah-e-wa..
-- Stunned -- as they discover that euphoric feeling caused by sudden trauma and blood loss as the said Kalashnikov bullet violates their body.

And for the last five finalists:

7: Speech:
(a) recite some lines from pre selected Na’ats and Ham’ds.

--Jab koi Madinay ka musafir paa jata hooN.
--Yaa Rub dil-e-Muslim ko woh zinda tamanna day
--Lab pay aati hay du’a bun kay tamanna meri
--Chalo umrah kareiN, chalo ziarat kareiN (favorite mantra of Pakistani leaders in the last ten days of Ramadaan.)

(b) extempore answers for questions pulled from a green pugree.

Sample questions:

--how would you say no to someone who does not take no for an answer
--dissuade husband from marrying again
--dissuade your best friend from marrying your husband
--at 35,000 feet flying between Karachi and Sharm-el-Sheikh, are you in Darul Harb or Darul Islam?
--should a jaw be given full funeral rites?
--is mutaah allowed for women? (Even wrong answers receive awards for this, later.)

Now where was I? Oh yes, the winner of these Miss Hoor-e-Pakistan contest gets a bouquet of flowers and a kiss on the cheek by the judges. And if you buy this then I have Allah Mian’s cellular number for you.

Seriously, you know, cheeks are one part of the anatomy, lips being the other, that we Pakistanis do not kiss in public! Take it from someone who tried it once. And survived. Nah, don’t listen to rumor mongers. We left Pakistan for other reasons.

We kiss hands, usually the back of the hands of senile elders and pirs and the cavities enslaved by the other cheeks, of those in power, in public. (Apologize for the slight complexity of this sentence.)

Now you lost me again, where was I? Oh yes, the mother of the winner of Miss Hoor-e-Pakistan is automatically entered in the Miss Umm-ul-Hoor contest.

For a mirage of reasons, including building codes, audience, judge and participants safety, weather turbulence and like the maximum tonnage allowed is 500 lb.

(A minor digression: one of the senior judges, known by his initials RAT was a fan of singing heavyweight Abida Parveen and wanted her to participate in the next Miss Umm-ul-Hoor contest. Abida politely declined. (She is single.) RAT offered to visit Quetta on a government jet and bring back a daughter for her. Wisely, Abida has declined again.)

Now back to the subject at hand.

Am sure you would like to know what happens to the winner? Unlike India where the Ashwariyas, and Sens and Duttas are offered lucrative Bollywood contracts these winners are pre-destined to:

(a) produce six potential mujahids/mujahidas in five years. Or
(b) they face the wrong end of the bullet, thanks to our unique honour system.

Either way the ending is somewhat sad and pathetic.

If you have any further questions that would establish peace between us, please feel free to address them to SR, Raqim-ul-huroof Esqr., Ferozk, Hamidm, sameerjb or address it to any member of the UUC –the Ucademy of Unplugged Chowkies. In case your queries have a Kashmiri angle please direct them to Romair, if they have a Jinnah angle to Yasser, if they have a K-for something angle then send them to Jay or Arjun: Chowk staff, am assured, will stand by and re-direct them as soon as they are received.

Jindabad Zindabad!

yours ever so humbly,

temporal
6th of Shawwal, 1424