Moth’s Flame Doused by Wind

A flame had been kindled; the rays of luminescence were sufficient to bring the demise of the darkness that had once engulfed my existence. The flame glowed to please its moth; the moth that gradually transformed into a gentle zephyr. Every contour of the flame succumbed to complete servitude to grace the presence of its master. The flame danced to his melody, bowed down to his Excellency, and served the purpose of its existence. The flame glowed in full flambeau to honor his companionship. The candle glows at the mercy of the wind, for what is a flaming candle in the path of the blowing wind…nothing more than a burnt out wick of emanating smoke. The path of our fate was not meant to intersect; how ignorant of I to think that my natural destroyer could be my savior?

The winds of the past had burnt me down to nothing more than melted wax. The aroma had faded and all that remained was the stench of smoke…strong enough to suffocate my whole world. The after smoke reeked of destruction and left me in a state of eternal misery. But what did my world comprise of? Nothing…just my melted spirit until he walked in. He walked in bearing the lighter in his hands to light a flame that he promised to protect till eternity. He caressed, consoled, and concealed me in himself. Enveloped in his presence, I learned to glow and not to burn.
___________________________________

(* New Message 1*) (*smile*)

“If my sweetheart associates one moment with strangers
It wants but little and I die of jealousy.
She said smiling: ’I am the lamp of the assembly, O Sa’di,
What is it to me if a moth kills itself?”(Sa’di)

I am nothing but a moth; a moth whose fate lies in your hand. Free me of this burning desire to be in your company; all I ask is for one meeting. I have devoted my life to you without ever having met you; the least you can do in return is grant me your company. You have taught me to love and now when all I know is love you are abandoning me. Please have mercy on my wretched state; what more can a lover ask for than the company of his beloved?

(*click on sign out*)

_____________________________

As irrational and insane it might have seemed to anyone with any remote traces of sanity, it was true that we had never met in person. The conception of this relationship was a result of my blogs in the cyber world; a world where many pretentious souls enshroud their fantasies in a garment of pseudo-reality and strive to uphold this image. I never desired to engage in fabricating façade; the inability to voice my thoughts and opinions drove me to smear the blogs with my ramblings. Without caring for the audience, I profusely wrote. I was oblivious to the bounty that most others took for granted; the presence of a listener. Thus, it was only natural that I developed feelings for him when he offered to listen or to be more precise, read.

He proclaimed of his love for my writings, my ideology, my vision, and eventually, ME. He was neither a poet nor a writer, but claimed to be a lover. I had told him,
“If thou must love me, let it be for naught
Except for love’s sake only. Do not say,
“I love her for her smile-her look-her way
Of speaking gently-for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day”-
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee-and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so.” (Browning)
Despite his insistence of loving me for the sake of love, I resisted for months but eventually my weakness forced me to imbibe the sweet nectar of his words. After all, I was only human.

“Sight is not the only way that love enters the heart; it often happens that love is born of the spoken word.” (Rumi)
In our case, it was the written word. He incessantly showered me with affection and admiration that I had never tasted before. I soon found myself to be intoxicated with the most potent wine; the wine of words fermented into promises. I was trapped in the web of words that he so meticulously weaved; he was the human equivalent of a spider.

Though love is blind, humans have vision. Thus, soon his emotions dwindled as his “second thoughts” emerged. He wanted to see me; he insisted on seeing the face hidden behind the veil of words. He had guided me so carefully to this path that I only perceived abandonment and loneliness in turning back. His wish was granted to strengthen his dwindling affection; the power of spell cast by physical beauty cannot be matched by merely words. A picture indeed is worth a thousand words. His fears were alleviated once he witnessed the beautiful heart accompanied by an even more beautiful face.

However, his demands grew and now he desired to meet in person. In his desire was hidden my own passion to be in his presence. The object of admiration longed to see the admirer. Thus, we decided to meet in the casual café across the lover’s tree. Perhaps we wanted to satisfy the myth of the lover’s tree; the couples who stride underneath its shade remain bonded for life.

I sat waiting for him, gracefully rubbing my hands to provide some warmth to my frozen, numb fingers. I could see my reflection in the crystal candelabrum placed in the center of the table with a single candle glowing in its full essence. The melted wax making its way down the impeccable crystal juxtaposed with my own melted spirit. A group of men walked in from the front door but not him. I had never seen him but was confident that the eyes of my heart were sufficient to recognize his presence. After what seemed to be an eternal wait, the turning heads and whispers finally signaled his arrival. He walked in from the side door and not from the front entrance; was it his nature to walk in from crevices and mystify the rest?

His sheepish smile contrasted with his robust physique. He walked up to the table, bowed his head, and greeted me while sitting down. I smiled back without saying a word for talking wasn’t my forte. We looked into each other’s eyes and lost sense of time. He finally broke the silence,
“If this is love then I know I have been blessed. You are the epitome of perfection, without you I had not tasted life…with you I am willing to even accept death. I know meeting this way is quite out of the ordinary but then my love for you is not any less than extraordinary. I fell in love with your words and couldn’t resist falling in love with you. Your physical being was never a concern for me; I am in love with your beautiful heart…….”

He kept on talking while I silently listened. Then he came to an abrupt pause and asked, “How come you are not talking?”
Yes, why wasn’t I talking? I sat like an idol on the throne that he had created and with his recent query I was afraid of being deposed and dismembered.

With shaking fingers, I reached down into my purse and pulled out my pen and a piece of paper. I could feel his gaze piercing through me with my every move. With fear dripping from the nib, I began to write.
“I wished to tell you this earlier but didn’t have the courage. You have professed of your undying love for me since we first interacted, so I know you will understand. Your love for me will allow you to overlook my natural imperfection; I am mute. I am not capable of giving voice to my thoughts but I am capable of expressing myself and even impressing someone of your caliber. I hope your emotions do not fade away after you have read this.”

I handed him the small sheet of paper and looked at his face. He smiled and took the paper while brushing his fingers against my palm. As he continued reading, his smile continued to fade, his eyes widened, the blood gushing through his popped veins became visible from underneath his pale skin, and his fist clinched the paper more and more tightly as every second passed. I could see through his eyes into his heart where once love resided and now all I could perceive was hatred and contempt.

He tossed the crumpled piece of paper which landed against the crystal candelabrum; however, the flame was still glowing. Then he leaned towards me but only to lean away as he slid his chair back. He stood upright, looking down at me with disdain. My muteness had left him speechless. As he took his first step away from the table, the stirred air blew out the sole flame that had embellished the candelabrum. He kept on walking farther and farther from the table; my tears and the mist of smoke rising from the wick clouded my vision. He never even glanced back to see the shattered fragments he had left behind. Did he only mend me to break me again and this time to an extent that I was irreparable?

The “love” he so often professed of had died; the colors of rainbow now hid behind a gloomy sky. He had abandoned me in the midst of a journey that he promised to complete. All my hopes tied to a single anchor, but what use is the anchor when the tempest destroys the ship. What is left in life when even love seeks terms and conditions? I had perceived a moth enamored with my flame but in reality it was the wind; the wind that would blow out the flame…spreading darkness. This fathomless abyss of darkness had now become my fate. But how much longer can I endure the dark clouds of misery and pain? This darkness permits me to see only one escape...

(*reaches for the bottle of sedatives lying beside the keyboard*)