The Cloning of Father Ramzan

Since a recent survey demonstrated that one in five Canadians believes in the existence of alien life forms, I have been trying to confirm reports that a secret scientific society headquartered in northern Quebec has successfully cloned Father Christmas and his famous reindeers.

The prototype, known as Father Ramzan, was unveiled (no pun intended) by an elite Muslim society of North American-trained scientists specializing in psychic microbiology. The secret society, I can now disclose, is registered in Canada as TesTube Babas Inc.

“We have finally succeeded in creating an exact duplicate of the original Father Christmas from the North Pole,” says chief embryologist Shabaash Qalandar. “At first it was hard to imagine all this but we manipulated the DNA to create Father Ramzan, the first ever Father Christmas look-alike in a fabulous holly green tunic instead of the usual post-office red,” he told a high-powered news conference behind a motel room in Montreal.

“The other problem, of course, was how to replicate the DNA of the pedigree reindeers in Father Ramzan’s hump-backed camels and dromedaries so they could fly high enough without crashing into minarets and tall buildings because of their centuries-old affinity for sooty chimneys. So we had a separate team developing 4-litre and 6-litre camels with fine beige fawn in contrast to the ho-ho-ho reindeers.

“In a few years, you will see Father Ramzan and his six-pack flying circus wherever you see Father Christmas, all the way from the North Pole to the eastern skies beyond China. In fact, and don’t be surprised, Father Ramzan and his flying camels may even dominate the southern skies from the South Pole, which makes it easier for the droning clones to take off for Africa, South Asia and the Far East where the spirit of Eid pervades the air with every breath.

“We reckoned it would be wonderful if we could duplicate the spirit of Christmas in the West by commercializing Eid in oriental and African societies. In fact, unlike Christmas which comes but once a year, Eid is with us twice a year. We have Eid-ul-Fitr and some weeks later there’s Eid-al-Adha. This way we will generate twice the revenue of any Christmas, and this may help to alleviate the problem of poverty associated with territories not visited by Father Christmas!”

Asked what genetic science had to do with alleviating poverty, Qalandar said the cloning of Father Ramzan had nothing to do with science. “It was an act of faith. It proves we’re made in the image and likeness of the Creator. For far too long,” he emphasized, “we’ve been watching Muslim children watching Christian kids play with nice toys at Christmas and we wanted to end that aspect of lack in our lives. There’s nothing wackadoo about what we’ve done. It’s an idea whose time has come.”

“And, mind you,” he added in the same breath, “we’re not part of a sect that says nothing about fornication, divorce and abortion, or permits the worship of graven images and giving beef injections to homosexuals. No, no, no.”

He blamed pinhead academics who think Baba Ramzan is an invention of the National Enquirer. “People like President George Bush are spreading panic just because we’re making some scientific advances based on what was written behind the lines in our holy books many centuries ago. Bush keeps telling Americans no one knows how Father Ramzan and his flying circus might affect American cities. That’s not very nice, you know. He is prejudicing the American mind to reject anything that is not American. He must understand that our cloning around has nothing to do with America’s immigration policies.”

Contacted by cell phone by a Catholic reporter at the press conference, the Pope barely uttered only three words from his sick bed in the inner chambers of the Vatican: “We’re not amused!”

Qalandar said the Pope is entitled to his opinion but he should not use the royal “we” as if he were speaking on behalf of God. “We’re not some nut bars, you know, nor are we some kind of anti-Papist sect out to dismantle the commercial edifice that Christendom has built around Christmas and the spirit of giving. We’re just emulating a highly successful model, that’s all.”

He told the world’s press gathered at his feet – including Chowk’s Leafyglade Inn reporter, CNN, ABC, BBC, CBS, NBC, HBO, Fox Entertainment, The New York Times, etc – to tell the world that “TesTube Babas Inc. is not some cheapskate outfit like the Raelian baby factory Clon-aid Inc., nor like the Highlanders who cloned Dolly the Sheep. We’ve done what no one has done before. We’ve cloned Father Ramzan and his team of 4-litre and 6-litre camels and dromedaries full size. Bang! Just like that.”

Although there’s widespread scepticism around the world, is it fair to assume that your organization had a hand in cloning the walrus-moustached Saddam Husseins roaming around freely all over Iraq defying the U.N. weapons inspectors and kicking them in the shin with those heavy boots? one investigative reporter asked him.

“No comment,” said Qalandar. “This is a matter of utmost security and I am not allowed to disclose much, you know. I can only say that very soon TesTube Babas Inc. will be working in cahoots with a team of sexy baby producers from the Raelian sect on an accelerated growth process to allow people to clone adult versions of themselves.”

According to a Reuters news agency dispatch, however, the scientific community in Canada remains highly sceptical of all such claims. “There is no reason to believe this is anything other than a long drawn-out publicity stunt,” it said.