Am I Insane?

I haven’t slept with my husband for eight months.

Why? I don’t know.

He says we are two different people who got married with consent and thought were compatible. But guess what we are not. So now lets just both go our separate ways. All the best Emma, but I’m sorry I cant give you what you want. I don’t want to live with you….End of discussion.

My initial reaction: to hell with him.

Let me tell you about myself. I have a law degree, and got married straight out of University. My Prince Charming is no other then my Bhabi’s brother. Yes I made the mistake of getting married in a “Watta Satta”.

My Prince Charming is a very successful Businessman, soundly established at the age of 27. Good looking, well spoken and most importantly…wanted to marry me.

During my last summer break from University, I came home to spend my holiday that’s when Jawad proposed. I was shocked, for I never thought he liked me in that way. I asked for some time to think about the proposal and made the biggest mistake of consulting my mother and my Bhabi. They were all for it, so I accepted.

I have always been a jolly friendly and sensible sort of a girl. Belonging to a Syed family, I knew my parents would never let me marry out of family. I considered myself lucky to have someone in my life without much hassle or heartache.

Jawad was excited about the wedding, he showed me off to all his friends and relatives. To have a beautiful, educated bride is every guy’s dream I think.

So we get married. And I discover my husband has too many business trips away from home. When i mildly complained he explained the complexities of his work. I tried to understand.

Belonging to an educated family unlike my in-laws ( just rags to riches) I have a sophisticated way of doing things. It may seem normal to many of you but having three course meals with starters is not a trend with my in laws! They labeled me too modern and outgoing. New York maybe in America but for everyone but my in laws, they think it is in Pind Dhadan Khan.

I was brought up in America with occasional trips to Karachi, to meet the extended family. I have no hang-ups or complexes about who I am. I know I’m a Pakistani, but while living in New York I have never sheltered myself from what’s happening around me. Went to University Parties, never drank booze or did drugs and did not appreciate others doing it either. But took it in my stride, and accepted other people's way of living.

Like most Pakistani men, Jawad is a very liberal guy when it comes to himself. He drinks, takes his occasional weed, eyes up gals.I discover these traits after our marriage.

One day after he returned form his one-week trip to Amsterdam, I asked him to sit down and sort this mess out. While he is mostly out of town, I’m not allowed to work, leave the city, or spend more than $100 dollars a week.I told him, "This is just not working, you have to spend more time with me. I refuse to be a maid servant doing chores for you who also warms the bed occasionally. This not acceptable." He asked me to leave if I didn’t like it.

I called his parents over and apprised them of the situation, as if they were deaf and blind and didn’t know their son. They turned around and blamed me for being too modern and expecting too much from my husband. I was insulted and called beyghairat for wearing western clothes when going shopping or on outings with friends.

I was confused. He’s the one not coming home, receiving late night phone calls, he’s the one with casino memberships. He is the one who drinks and smokes. And they have the audacity to blame me!

Afterward Jawad went to see my parents and told them that he has issues with their daughter. He asked them to tell me not to question him regarding his work. My brother had a word with Jawad and enquired about what the problem was. At that he asked my brother to take me back home as I was not the right girl for him. He gave my brother other lame excuses such as 'I was stopping him from becoming someone: she’s not what I'm looking for in life: I can't give her what she wants.'

My brother told me to pack up and leave. I refused. My parents also asked me to leave him and move back in with them and I refused to do so. Jawad packed his bags and moved to California where he had some business projects going on.

When I asked my brother what would happen if I decide to leave Jawad and how my decision would affect his marriage, he replied, “ I love my wife and two daughters but I also love you, if you come back. She goes back!"

This is my dilemma. I'm not ready to be the one who splits up my brother's house. My parents have made it clear that is not going to happen. There is no way they will ask Bhabi to leave, my brother is not thinking straight. It is no fault of hers. But I know it will cause many problems for them. How are they to mourn their daughter's misfortune with the culprit's sister in the house? It will be hard for them, I know.

So I decided to stick around. Perhaps I'm weak and confused, but I still love him. He is my husband. Yes I did argue with him. Ask for time. Nag him if other women called. Questioned him when he did not pick up my calls at night when he was away. But I never want to leave him.

I’ve been living without him for the past six months. He occasionally visits to ask me to leave him. And whenever I call him he says the same. Its not going to work we should end it. But I’m not ready to.

Meanwhile I’ve started working. I am still waiting for him to come to his senses. My parents still ask me to come back to them. I have told them I’m not going to leave him and don’t visit them much. His parents still talk bad of me behind my back but condemn him in front of me.

As for Jawad he still say the same, Emma please leave me, why don’t you?

This eighteen month marriage has drained me. Am I insane to stay and wait for him to come to his senses? To think he will change his mind? Is there any hope? Or should I just pack my bags and give in?