Killing Darwin

Last Ramadan while galloping across the many channels on cable TV, I screeched to a sudden halt at one local channel that was showing a documentary on the “horrors of Darwinism and Communism.” A largely entertainment channel gladly basking in the trappings of the usual (read mindless) modern-day notions of “entertainment,” I wondered what on earth was being proven here with this documentary?

The fact is that the channel for the past many years has been repeating these documentaries every Ramadan, so this time around I decided to call an acquaintance who works there as a producer.

I asked her exactly what was being proven to the viewers by the repeated showings of this wonderfully biased documentary.


“What do you mean?” She asked.

“Well,” I continued, “in this day and age I hardly see young Pakistanis tempted and threatened by the oh-so- dreadful ungodliness of things like Darwinism or Communism. This documentary would have made more sense had it been run by PTV during the Zia era, y’know.”


She still didn’t get my point. “What are you talking about?” She half-shouted, by now clearly irritated. “Just because you are a commie does not mean we stop running documentaries against Communism and Darwinism!”


“That wasn’t my point, dimwit!” Said I. “The Cold War ended 15 years ago. Young people do not shun capitalism and religion anymore to become communists!”

“So?”

“So isn’t it obvious! This documentary suggests that religion’s biggest enemy is still Communism!”

“But isn’t it?” she asked.

“We were made to believe that,” I said, “but that was during the Cold War many years ago! Kiss sadi aur dunya main ho, bhai? (What century and world are you in?).


“But some people still believe in Darwinism, don’t they!” She said.


“Of course they do and so do I!”


She started to laugh “Ah. So that’s why you are so aggravated!”


“No,” I shot back. “I was just wondering whether your so-called liberal channel trying to tell young people that they should dump and shun science?”


“Of course not,” she said.

“Then why don’t I ever see documentaries made by the Discovery Channel or the National Geographic on your channel? Are they too Darwinian and thus a threat to the fragile spiritual and moral fabric of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan?”


“Stop exaggerating,” she said.


“How am I exaggerating?” I asked. “The message I am getting after watching your channel is that we should dump secular sciences, follow assorted obscurantisms and that banking and marketing are the only subjects worth studying and that entertainment is only about audaciously idiotic soap operas and bad pop music!”


“Oh, for heaven’s sakes, NFP,” she retaliated. “These documentaries are certainly not promoting any obscurantism. They were scripted by theological scholars!”


“Fine,” I said. “But for whom? The last time I met a communist in this country was at the Karachi University sixteen years ago! Moreover, is not the state and stats of the country’s education status enough to suggest that only a tiny percentage actually believes, or for that matter, knows about Darwinism! How can they be seen as threats requiring whole documentaries, lady?”


She went quiet. Then asked: “Well, you’re a Communist and a Darwinist, aren’t you?”


“Oh, so that documentary was made and run to warn 99.9% of the population to guard their spiritual and ideological beliefs from the beliefs of .1% of the population?”


She responded with a loud chuckle. “So what, yaar? Nobody’s watching our channel at the time we run these documentaries. Everybody is fasting and would rather watch a naat or a religious sermon on another channel.”


“But you guys have those too.” I said.

“So? We have something for everyone, so what’s wrong with that?”

“Really” Said I. “How come I don’t see a program in which, say, a Darwinian or a Communist, or an Agnostic can also debate his or her beliefs as freely as does a mullah, a politician, a businessman, a feudal or a pop star?”


“Don’t be stupid,” she said. “This is Pakistan. You want our channel to be bombed or what?”


“Ah,” said I, “So this should mean the .1% of the population, the Communists and the Darwinists, are way more tolerant and reasonable than the 99.9% of the people these documentaries are glorifying?


“Excuse me?” What are you babbling about?” She said, all irritated again.


“Well, isn’t it obvious?” I asked. “Apart from catering to classes who have consumption power you guys have submitted your business ethics to people who also have the mob and lobbying power to close you down if you threaten the political and ideological status quo they so carefully have conceived to maintain their socio-political interests. Smacks of chicken-hearted hypocrisy to me, love.”


By now she was clearly bushed: “What the hell are you talking about? You’re not even a real Communist!”

“You’re the one who called me a communist, remember?” said I.


She shot back:” You’re just a retro-leftist who still believes Socialism and Darwinism should be at the centre of all beliefs and systems.”


“Perhaps,” said I. “But unfortunately I am part of a miniscule, ignorable minority. The .1%. So for heaven’s sake, tell your boss to do this nation’s already highly confused youth a favor by stop running these documentaries. Because if anything is retro, it is these ridiculous documentaries which look and sound like those early 20th century propaganda films made by American evangelists against the teaching of Darwin and Einstein in schools!”


“Listen, NFP, I think you are overreacting,” she said. “You can always switch the channel, y’know.”

“Sure,” said I. “But so can the 99.9% of the population.”

“So?& #8221;

“So why not show a documentary on, say, the ingenuity of Darwinism for a change and let the 99.9% switch the channel!”


She let out a mocking chuckle: “You’re such a hoax, y’know.” Then saying it was near Iftar time, she begged leave and hung-up.

How very Darwinian of her.