My mother, me and my daughter

There comes a moment in everyone’s life when a door bell or a telephone call changes everything.

The day had started off ordinarily for Rehan, till the moment made its appearance. It was a telephone call, a long distance one, which came through at noon. By evening Rehan had booked himself on the first available flight to Karachi and had started making arrangements for his departure.

Within seventy-two hours of the call Rehan found himself at the airport boarding the PIA flight from New York to Karachi. That one call had made him head back to his past; a past tainted with bitter memories. It was not the past that was haunting Rehan as he settled in his seat, but the present.

He tried to think over the news but his mind was numb with shock. Although she had mentioned a small operation, Rehan had the most fearful thoughts in his mind. He translated everything she said into one word only- death.

Rehan maintained his calm demeanour but the little child inside him was panicking. He had deprived his inner child of motherly affection for a very long time, partly due to his own stubborn nature and partly because of his mother’s partiality towards his younger brother. In his younger days he had sought refuge in the world he had created; studies, friends, love interests, sports and at times, drugs. For the past six years he had lived abroad, cut off from his mother, trying to run away from his own past. Now, it seemed to him, all his efforts were too late.

“Please fasten your seatbelt sir, we’re about to land. Thank you!”

Rehan looked down at the city from the window and the past, the past that he had tried to escape from, sprang up in front of him. He felt himself in a dream for no matter where he looked faces from the past sprang up; the laughing face of his brother before the accident, the smiling face of Sonia, as they drove back home from their wedding reception and finally, his mother, as she waved goodbye to him from this very airport, holding a baby in her arms.

The taxi stopped abruptly, bringing Rehan out of his trance. “Sorry Sir!” the driver said, “But these mini buses are such a pain, stopping everywhere without giving any signal! The bus drivers here are mad. I’m sure it must be so much better in vilayat (abroad)”.

“Yes”, Rehan answered, glad of the distraction. “So much has changed in the past six years! I hope you can find the address easily. How much more time?”

“We’re almost there sir! Five minutes, I suppose”.

“Five minutes only!” Rehan thought and he felt a knot in his stomach.

“11-C…..here we are Sir. 11-C. Dr. Akbar Hussain”. The taxi stopped in front of the familiar black gate.

Rehan got out of the taxi and paid the driver. Before he could ring the bell he heard the sound of dogs barking and the squeals of a little child in the porch. The gate swung open and a little girl stepped out, trying to hold onto the leash of a small pup. The second dog, a much larger one, noticed Rehan and growled.

“Shani baby! How many times have I told you not to step out of the gate without me?” An old man-servant came walking quickly towards the little girl.

“Who is it?” demanded the old man.

“Taj Din?” asked Rehan. “It’s me Taj Din, Rehan!”

“Rehan Baba?” the old man looked at him in disbelief. “Rehan Baba, is it really you?” he walked closer to get a better look.

“Yes Taj Din! It is me!” Rehan stepped forward and hugged his father’s old servant. “Where’s Mama?” he asked, stepping inside the gate.

“Dad-da is sleeping” the little girl answered his question and smiled at him. “And I was taking the dogs out for a walk!”

“Yes, Shani baby. But now we will go later. Why don’t you play with Tiger in the lawn?”

She smiled again and calling out to the pup, ran into the garden.

“Here, let me help with the luggage. Amma Marium is in the kitchen. I’ll take your luggage into the guest room”.

Rehan wasn’t paying much attention to the old servant. His eyes were fixed on the little girl playing with her dog in the garden. “She loves the dog” Taj Din said following his master’s gaze. “He, too, follows her around like sheep!”

“Reminds me of Tiger, Taj Din. You remember my dog?” Rehan asked his driver. “Yes, I do. Even she has named him that!”

Rehan looked at her again. Her laughter seemed to have filled up the entire garden. All the flowers, the trees, even the little pup danced with delight at the sound of her voice.

He walked behind his servant into the house. Her laughter seemed to follow him inside.

“Rehan Baba! I thought your flight was tomorrow! When did you come? I didn’t even send Taj Din to pick you! How forgetful of me!” his old nurse cried out as she saw him enter.

“It’s okay Amma. I came in a metro-cab” Rehan smiled at the old woman and hugged her.

He wanted to inquire after his mother but the noise from the garden distracted him again and he walked towards the large French windows.

“I see you’ve met Shahnoor!”

“Mama!” he turned around on hearing his mother’s voice. He went forward hesitatingly and kissed her on the cheek. He wanted to say something but words failed him. Yet, in her eyes he saw understanding; of his grief, his mourning, his loss and her patience.

“I didn’t recognize her when I saw her”.

“Really?!” he noted a hint of sarcasm in his mother’s voice.

“Not recognize her! Why, she looks just like you, Rehan Baba!” Amma Maruim said. “Only, she has her mother’s eyes”.

“Sonia had hazel eyes Amma”.

“So does she!” his mother replied. “Marium, please have the tea brought in”. She turned to her son. “Our Shahnoor has bewitching eyes. She’s going to grow up a beautiful woman. I wish I live to see her”.

An awkward silence followed broken only by the barking dogs and Shahnoor’s peals of laughter.

“Are you really very ill Mama?” Rehan asked her.

“Her laughter…it is so magical!” his mother didn’t look at him. “Is it not like Sonia’s?”

“You haven’t answered my question Mama!”

“Nor have you Rehan!”

“Why are you asking me all this?” he sighed. “Why bring the dead back to life?”

Amma Marium walked in with the tea. “Let it be Amma. I’ll make it”. Rehan took hold of the tea trolley.

“It is you who must be brought back to life Rehan. You have died along with Sonia”. Rehan’s hand quivered slightly at his mother’s words. “Whether you like it or not, that is the truth. You have to live! Sonia is alive in her daughter, your daughter!”

“Sonia is dead” Rehan said quietly. “I know it sounds crazy but in a way,” and he looked at his mother, “Shahnoor killed her”.

“If she killed your wife Rehan”, she held his gaze in hers “Then you killed my Hamza”.

Rehan’s face turned white at his mother’s words.

“It hurt, didn’t it? Sonia’s death was His will. Just like Hamza’s death in the accident”.

Rehan could not muster a response to his mother’s words. These past six years had been a battle. His love for his wife seemed to have become a force that prevented him from admitting his yearning to be with his daughter. He knew his shortcoming and felt ashamed but even now he didn’t have courage to run out into the garden and take his daughter in his arms.

“Dad-da”, Shahnoor came inside and walked up to her grandmother. “I got you flowers Dad-da, from the garden”.

“Thank you darling!” and the old woman kissed her. “But you are my loveliest flower!”

The little girl sat next to her grandmother and looked shyly at Rehan. Her gaze made Rehan miss a beat. “She is so much like Sonia”, he thought.

“Shani, I’ve been looking all over the garden for you!” Amma Marium came panting into the room. “Come, you must take your shower now”.

She gave the old nurse an apologetic look and walked out of the room with her.

“I haven’t called you for myself Rehan” his mother said, looking at her grand daughter leave. “I’m worried on Shahnoor’s account. I have my surgery tomorrow. Anything might happen to me”.

“Nothing will happen to you Mama. You’ll be fine!”


Mrs. Akbar had her surgery the next day. Rehan had stayed with her all day and came only at night after the doctors assured him of her health.

Rehan felt drained. He collapsed on the sofa in the living room and looked at the calendar. “Five days” he thought. “Only five days since I left New York!”

He heard Shahnoor singing and walked into the direction of her room. She sat on her bed, singing to her dolls. As soon as she felt his presence, she went silent. Both father and daughter stared at each other, not knowing what to say.

“This is Sammy”, she said, pointing to a doll. “And this is Poo”.

“Pooh” he corrected her. “Winnie the Pooh”.

“I know that!” the little girl replied patiently, “But I call him Poo”.

Silence again. Rehan looked around. It was a lovely little room with toys and books. A few pictures were mounted on the wall.

“That’s my mother” Shahnoor got up and stood beside him, pointing at a picture of Sonia. Rehan recognized the picture – he had taken it on the second day after their wedding in this very house.

“She was very beautiful. Do I look like her?”

“No” he replied curtly.

Rehan could feel her gaze on him. He felt a great weight on his chest; tears welled up in his eyes. He wanted to walk away from her but he felt frozen. He sat down on the floor and the tears flowed freely down his face.

“Is Dad-da dead?” Shahnoor whispered as she, too, sat down beside him.

Rehan looked into his daughter’s eyes which were filled with fear. She was trying to hold back her tears. “How could I have been so cruel to this angel?” he thought. He looked at the picture of his wife; her laughing eyes were a calling towards life, not death.

“No, Shahnoor. Dad-da is fine. Stop crying. Come here dear” and he reached out clumsily towards her. “Let me put you to bed”.

The little girl went to sleep quickly. He sat there staring at his daughter for some time. Suddenly the question came back to his mind. He found some crayons and paper lying on her table.

“My dear Shahnoor,

You don’t look like your mother. You are more beautiful! You are a little princess!

Will you be my friend?

Love, Abba”.