Sunshine

He shut the doors and left me in complete darkness… Curtains of my lavishly decorated bedroom were drawn. The room was barely lit like always. I could not see things clearly. Like every morning, I pulled myself up from bed, began my day as routine per his instructions.

My life remained the same…dark, dull and without sunshine. It seemed that like a treasure I was placed from one secured cubical box to another…always covered and locked up.

Marriage did not bring much difference in my being…except that my master was changed and my box became bigger. All my masters…father, brother and husband loved me dearly. They all wanted to protect me from evil eyes of the world, from obnoxious society and from bright sunshine. I never had doubt of their love. I just wanted to see the sun just feel the sunshine.

Amma (my mother) always instructed me to thank Allah for such a caring family. I never failed Amma. Another thing she never stopped teaching me was to keep the house in order. Everything should be kept in place. Equipped with this tool a lady of the house will be able to move around even if it was pitch-dark. According to her, “a girl should keep her house so organized that she should be able to find a lost needle in complete darkness.�

And thus should never ask for light.

In reality she trained me to live in the darkness…with the darkness. It was not just a good trait but an essential one for a virtuous woman at our house.

Despite those years of laborious training with sincere intentions I never got used to order and darkness. Fake artificial yellow bulbs drained my energy daily. Enclosed spaces suffocated me. Every morning I began my day with a prayer to go in open space, underneath the smiling sun, bathe in sunshine and to feel lively again.

Every Eid, when Amma ritually changed drapes on small glass windows of our house with new ones; those were the most exciting moments of my life. Those brief instants in time when I was able to see the sun…feel the sunshine. Outside, everything seemed so different… exuberant… jubilant… as if bursting with energy.

Sometimes at sunset I could see the series of red and yellow; wide and thin lines on sky. I felt that Allah had scratched the sky bleeding in anger as to why HIS beloved sun was bidding farewell. It was so like me. As a little child I used to unleash my anger in a similar way. I used to grab red, orange, yellow color pencils and scratched lines on white paper of my drawing book. Whenever I saw those red yellow lines on sky I smiled.

“Wow, I was so connected to Allah.�

Though the iron paling in our windows presented me a divided image of outside in small cubes but I still loved to watch…all the things bright and shining in daylight. Bright daylight offered the exact color and structure of everything. And those weird lengthening, diminishing shadows amused me always. I used to hold the rods firmly, stretched my neck forward so my little face could stick out from one of the dice to feel the sun rays hitting my face directly.

The bliss of the moment passed away quickly when Amma had to pull me aside scolding me harshly;
“You silly girl, step away from the window. Someone might see your face. It’s a sin when stranger sees your face. Shut those windows right away and help me with drapes.�

Once I remember Amma stitched new drapes a little short somehow. Therefore, one tiny little ray sneaked from the narrow space between the two rims. Amma went crazy cursing herself and tried hard to approximate them through stitching, clipping and repairing before my father could see the playful ray of sun intruding his territory.

I never understood why I had these thoughts…this craving to play in sunshine, in the open, with blue sheet of sky stretched over my head and to feel sun rays piercing right through my skin? None of my other friends in the Madrassah were like that. May be they never ever had experienced the real power, the warmth, the life sunshine gave. But I was not like that. I had seen the sun without any piece of cloth covering my eyes. I had felt the sunshine.

Till the age of nine I used to play out side with my little brother. It was when we were living in our village, on mountains…far away from this city. But when Abba(father) decided to migrate from that village for greener pastures, my life transformed. We left the village and I left my sunshine in the mountains.

The new living place was all brick and walls in a big city. No place was safe for me. The city was full of artificial lights but no sunshine for me. I had to cover myself from head to toe…even my eyes were not left fully naked. There was always a piece of cloth obstructing my embrace with natural light…with my beloved sunshine.

That bright sun with its lively sunshine was gone forever; just like those wonderful playful years of childhood.

I was submerged in my dark grief while my body was busy finishing with household chores when sudden loud noise busted my thoughts. Somebody was banging on my door. I peeped through fish-eye hole. It was the lady from the neighbor’s apartment next door.

“Yes?� I opened the door halfway with chain in the latch. The lady was very impatient. Her face was pale white as if she had encountered a ghost.

“Hurry up Shahbano, earthquake is on the way! Take your belongings and come in open space. They announced it on TV. Hurry!!!!!

She did not wait for my response and ran down-stairs with a bag in her hand.

I stood frozen. I had to go in open space___
Open space___
In a daylight_???

I felt my legs were shaking or was that the floor that was slipping beneath my feet. I jumped out of the door that began shaking, creaking down right behind me. Everything around me was quaking. Glass windows, thick wooden doors, bricked walls, ceiling fans and bulbs…all were swinging vigorously.

My body geared with a reflex action and ran for stairs. I took long strides saving myself cautiously from broken glass pieces, long slits appearing on stair floor. I was at the front door of my building when bright sunlight thumped my eyes. I closed my eyes tightly but the brightness of sun_ I could still see_ I could feel the sunshine.

It was the sudden hard push from the bunch of men from behind that dragged me few steps more. My eyes opened quickly and there I saw hoards of people running all around me to reach the ground in front of my apartment building across the road. They were shouting, screaming and leaping before they fell into rapidly widening zig-zag trench appearing on floor beneath their feet. Instantly my hands reached my shoulders to cover my head and face with my chaader.

“Oh! God! My ‘chadder’_� I might have shouted.

Nobody looked at me. Everyone was gathered outside in the ground in front of my building across the road. Their heads were faced up. Their hands were clasped. Men and women were holding their kids in their arms close to their chests. All of them were trembling and praying.

I seemed to be invisible to them.

The trembling of earth stopped as I moved further to join the group in the ground.

The earthquake was over but the disaster continued.

There was lot of noise. Vehicles smashed. Bodies of injured people were lying. Some were shouting for help, some were not moving. It was all dusty. Pieces of wood, bricks and paper were flying. I could not see clearly. I heard noises but barely understood.

With both hand on my shoulder in attempt to cover my body, squeaked and curled up inside I raised my head.

I was standing beneath open sky. Amidst the thick cloud of dust I saw the bright sun winking. I felt the heat of the sun. Slowly I spread my arms.

My wish was granted.

Sun was shining on me. Beneath the open sky I was standing unveiled…uncovered…

But sunshine_ Where was the sunshine?