I Know Why the Caged Frog Croaks

If you've been to the movies lately, you've probably seen the slick public service announcement from the Earth
Communications Office (ECO) about "the power of one." It invokes images of Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and
others in an apparent call for Greenpeace-style action without the benefit of actual organization or thought. For
those of you familiar with the ad, I would like to offer - as a public service - my own rendition, which is a
slight variation on the theme:




DO SOMETHING.

ANYTHING.

NO, I MEAN REALLY. ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING.





The call is most definitely answered by the Animal Rights Activists in Texas. Not only have they ventured to
cease the use of any animal for scientific education and research but also have, apparently, developed intense
pro-frog or frog-phylic sentiments. Their sentiments have led them to draw comparisons between eventual
frog-killing in science labs and the Holocaust. These wackos don't draw any distinction between animals and
humans and after their demonstrations outside College Science buildings move on to their pro-choice rallies
and scream for the murder of innocent kids. I thought the right to live was the most crucial of Human (animal)
rights. I agree that frogs are useful, but I also learned a few things when I dissected a baby pig in high school
biology class. Actually, I think it was a pig embryo, in which case I guess it wasn't entitled to animal rights.
But let's pretend it was an honest-to-God baby pig for the sake of argument.




I learned, for instance, that formaldehyde smells awful. I learned that my lab partner, Paco, and I had the pig
with the longest intestine. We pinned it to the ceiling next to the window for show. I learned how hard it is to
cut into a piglet, which made me decide not to become a surgeon. And I learned that if you cut into the liver,
bile will spill out and digest the rest of your pig's vital organs. If done early in the semester, this can make
further study difficult.




I think I learned a few things about anatomy, too, mainly by in-class watching and after-class, Clinton-style
groping of the girl at the desk in front of mine. She thought our pig's bile problem was gross, so Paco and I had
a bile fight, squirting pig liver juice all over the place. Amazingly, we still got the two highest grades in the
class, and neither of us got a date out of it. Come to think of it, neither of us got very many dates at all in high
school. We were 'accelerated' and thus single.




In lieu of dating, frogs can be used for recreational purposes. Frogs make good shotgun targets when found in
their natural environment. For some, the splash made by unloading a 12-gauge into a farm pond is thrill
enough. Plus, it's hard to miss, unless you use buckshot, which is another story. Frog-jumping competitions are
also popular, not to mention frog-tossing competitions. Now these surely don't rival the excitement of
dwarf-tossing competitions, which apparently is a real event. But shooting a frog out of a homemade potato
gun probably beats all. Then again, I haven't licked a frog, or a toad, or whatever it is that will make you high.
Yet, I wonder if Paco is busy this weekend.




As food, frog legs aren't bad, if you don't mind another exotic dish that "tastes like chicken." I don't really
know whether a frog would burst if you microwaved it, but I bet it would hop around a lot at first, which would
be especially cool on a rotating carousel. Its eyes might even pop. However, as with chicken and catfish, I
recommend deep-frying over microwaving. Legend has it you can boil a frog if you put it in cool water and
then turn up the heat in a way that, if graphed, would produce a gradual incline. It won't jump out or anything
and the next thing you know you've got a hard-boiled amphibian and a multitude of bad sermon illustrations.
For the deep fryer, though, I'd say heating the oil up to about 425 degrees and then dropping in the frog would
be fairly effective. Sure, the thing might jump out once or twice, but there's only so many times it could
manage that.




As pro-frog arguments go, I realize I probably haven't even touched on some extremely vital issues, but it's
hard to take this sort of polarized liberal morass seriously. Comparing the plight of the oppressed science-lab
froggie to the Holocaust is beyond insanity--as if one day we'll be reading the heart-wrenching diary of a
young tadpole recounting the injustices done to her for the absurd notion of 'advancement of Science'. . . hum . .
. hello people!




Of course I value human life more dearly than animal life. If you look at how little some of us value human life
these days, it should come as no surprise that not many have taken up arms for the frogs. In a time when
thousands are dying and in need of help in Eastern Europe and Africa, watching these (annoyingly vocal) people
channeling all their might towards reading amphibian liberation theology and watching a few too many
episodes of Blossom sickens me. Their sensibilities are outta whack. Sorry, folks, but even The Kiss of the
Spider Woman couldn't turn a science-lab frog into a prince.




We live in a strange day and age. It's not just that the ends justify the means anymore; the intentions justify the
means and the ends. And the intentions aren't usually based on anything more than feelings. It's kind of a "pick
your nose for God" mentality. As if you can go try to save a fuzzy mammal and all of a sudden you're Gandhi. I
don't know exactly how we should pick and choose all of our particular causes and concerns, or precisely how
we should go about changing those things that really need changing. But it seems like there must be a better
way than having our collective political subconscious fed by popcorn-and-candy admonitions before Titanic
sinks. Too much of that fluffy, easy-to-swallow stuff can actually be pretty bad for you.