Waziria’s Dilemma

Minister of Defense, Lt. General (Retd.) Abdul Wahid, struggled out of the plush backseat of the black Mercedes. The Honorable
Minister was agitated with the message he had just received, through one of his spies in the Ministry of External Affairs, and he was
finding it difficult to decide whether to swivel his fat legs or bulky stomach out of the backseat ahead of the other. It seemed that
which ever way he positioned himself both his legs and abdomen proceeded towards the door in unison.

"Why are you just standing there like an ass?" he huffed at his Personal Secretary . "Give me a pull at least."

The elderly PS, who had been PS to many Ministers in many ministries slowly extended his skinny hand toward the breathless Lt.
General (Retd). He almost dove head-first into the Minister's ample lap as the big man yanked the PS's hand, but thankfully, he
regained his balance at the very moment his boss popped out of the backseat like a Ping-Pong ball out of toy gun.

The Minister straightened his uniform quickly. He glanced sullenly towards the PS who fell in line exactly two steps behind and to
the right of the Minister. Both strode forward into the President's Ambla Hills Palace.

"He is expecting me," he said to the receptionist, "Allahrakha here called him but 30 minutes ago, did you not?"

The PS nodded his head, "Ji, hazoor."

"So why do you insist on detaining me?" the Minister snapped. " What I have to inform the President of the Republic cannot wait.
Come on. Futa fut."

Another PS, this one belonging to the Department of Presidential and Constitutional Affairs, scowled at the General but set off to
inform the President of the Peoples Socialist Democratic Republic of Waziria that the Minister of Defence was here to seek
audience.

The Minister sweated with excitement. His agents had brought him news of very serious weight. The delivery of this news would
finally patch up his relationship with the President. Of late, this relationship had been quite dodgy. The Minister had bungled the
delivery of a large shipment of North Korean armaments which instead of ending up in the Presidential Rifles ammo dumps had,
inexplicably fallen into the hands of the Ministry of Intelligence and Counter Espionage (MICE), whose loyalties to the ideals of the
Republic the President did not entirely trust.

The Minister had tried to defend himself and his Ministry to the President on several occasions but still had a long way to go before
relations were smooth. How was he to know that the arms dealer was a paid agent of State Intelligence Corps (SIC), MICE's
domestic inter-ministerial wing?

But the news Lt. General (Retd) Abdul Wahid had today would more than patch things up. It would almost certainly guarantee his
monopoly of several commodity markets. And cause loads of trouble to those rascals in the Ministry of Intelligence and
Counter-Espionage (MICE) whom, the General suspected of colluding with SIC in the North Korean affair.

\\*\\*\\*
The President of the Republic, Sultan Shah, was finishing a late lunch as his PS ushered in the Minister of Defense. He picked his
teeth with a chicken bone and stifled a hearty belch. "Thanks be to God," he muttered under his breath. "What do you want
General? More silly stammering about undercover agents? What's the use of a Ministry of Defense if it is unable to defend me?” The
President added as an afterthought. “Or the Republic, of course."

"Your Excellency." Abdul Wahid felt the sweat dripping deliciously down his arms, tickling them coolly. "Pretty poor air-conditioning
he has installed," he thought to himself.

"Your Excellency. I have come, as you know, with some extremely sensitive and I think, interesting information which will be of
interest to you. My Ministry has recently learned that the American Secretary of State is planning to visit Waziria in the near
future."

The Minister stopped to catch his breath. He waited momentarily expecting the President to react. He did not have to wait long.

"What do you mean, General? How can he visit Waziria in the near future? No American Secretary of State even knows where
Waziria is. The only American dignitary to visit here was some terrible musician whose plane was apprehended at Begum
International Airport ten years back due to lack of proper authorization to enter our airspace. You remember, no?"

General and Minister Abdul Wahid did not remember any musician from America but he said that he did anyway. "Oh yes, of course.
Who can forget that terrible man. Ha ha!"

"And anyway, what does the American Secretary of State want with Waziria. Doesn't he have anything else to do? Why should he
bother us? We buy their weapons don't we, General?"

Abdul Wahid flushed. "Those damn dogs in MICE. Khabardaar, you bastards," he swore silently to himself. "Of course, your
Excellency. Just last month we have ordered 6 more F-16s. And we are presently preparing an order for 2 submarines your
Excellency."

The President sipped his salted lemon juice and twirled his moustache with his delicate golfing fingers.

"Perhaps you should increase the order to 8 submarines, General."

"But your Excellency. Who is to pay for 8 submarines? We are still repaying the loan for the first F-16s and..."

"Don't speak of such silly things right now. If they want us to buy weapons we will buy them. But I am still puzzled as to why this
man wants to visit Waziria. You are sure its Waziria he's coming to and not some other place. Such as North Korea?" The President
arched an eyebrow at the Minister. "We don't ask Americans for visas to enter do we? No. We allow them to build roads and
airports. Of course, perhaps they are angry that I did not allow the condom distribution programme to go ahead. Why must they
interfere with us in our customs? Don't you agree General, that it is our right to produce as many children as we see fit? Why must
we mate according to American instructions?"

"On yes. Typical interference by so-called super powers," huffed the Minister of Defense. "We must not surrender our rights to
them, your Excellency. You are so right. But, with your permission, I would like to continue with the information I received."

"Continue then, Minister sahib." The President slipped a succulent red plum into his mouth and mopped the juice up with his
embroidered napkin.

"The American Secretary of State plans to visit Waziria in the very near future to make a very important announcement. While we do
not know yet what that announcement is, I believe, if you will excuse me your Excellency, that this is a most welcome development.
Surely, it can only be in our benefit. Do you think, such an important official would visit this country if he was to scold us? Our
Ambassador in Washington is there for that purpose. And is it only to order us to order more guns and boats? No. Their Ambassador
is here for that purpose. Of course, his visit must be to announce something very special. Perhaps Waziria is to receive a huge
donation. Or the debt is to be written off. Or we are to be asked to provide land for a UN headquarters. I don't know sir. We are
trying our level best to determine the nature of the announcement but please don't be upset by the news. Why, you ask, should the
Secretary of State visit Waziria? Why not? is my reply. We are a country in our own right and I think we deserve to have a visit."

The General cum Minister was tired. He longed to sit down but the President had not even mentioned the subject. Wanting to be
gone and let the President think on this news, the Minister prepared to make his exit.

"I must return at once to the Ministry to monitor the developments. Allahrakha here will be in constant touch with your staff, your
Excellency. Now if you will excuse me, your Excellency."

The General bowed and retreated towards the door. His last glimpse of the President was of him examining with great seriousness
the pit of a plum.

II.

Waziria was not the smallest country in the world. It just wasn't very important. It was situated in the north-western part of Asia and
had once been a part of its larger neighbor (and bitter enemy) Puranasthan. But when the European colonists announced their
intention to wash their hands of Puranasthan, His Excellency Sir Karim Waliuallah Khan Bahadur, OBE, MBE, VC and big landlord
of Jotla, made his move.

He insisted that his people were completely different than most of the Puranasthanis, even though they spoke the same language,
looked the same and very often celebrated each other's festivals. And as they were completely different, "it is incumbent upon the
departing Colonial authority to ensure for posterity and eternity the well-being and protection from cultural assimilation and
defilement of the people of NW Puranasthan who since time immemorial have in fact, represented a class truly distinct and separate
from the vast majority of their fellow countrymen. Therefore, " (His Excellency Karim Waliullah etc. etc., lovingly known as Old Wally
the Windpipe by the colonial press, had studied Law in New York) "we forthrightly, but contritely, demand that the departing
Colonial authority make such arrangements and take such steps as may be necessary for the creation of a complete and distinct
and separate state incorporating the North-western provinces together with certain districts of Central and Eastern Puranasthan to
be henceforth known as Waziria."

Sir Wally's petition, quoted above, was only one of many filed over several years. History, even though Karim didn't know it, was on
his side and the point was taken by the Europeans. After much deliberation and negotiation around many round tables, a thick red
pencil marked a line on the Imperial map of Greater Puranasthan and Waziria was born.

No one was more surprised by this turn of events than Sir Karim Waliullah Khan Bahadur, OBE, MBE and VC.

His many petitions and trips to Europe to participate in the negotiations had, he was convinced, the same net effect as keeping the
fast--kuch nahi. In any case, he himself only half believed his own petitions. Of course, his "people were different in many ways but
then again it would be difficult to find more than 10 people in the entire country of Puranasthan who are not distinct from another 10
persons in habit, thought, worship or dress," he wrote to his nephew in the year just before Waziria's birth. "That is the curse of
Puranasthan. What ties any of us together? People accuse me of dividing this country with my talk of a separate state but I tell you,
Hamid, this country has been and will forever be fissaparious. I am only trying to emphasize this fact to the Europeans who despite
three centuries of 'studying' us don't seem to understand the most basic points. "

It is difficult to know what were Old Wally's true intentions. But one day he woke up with a country on his hands.

The first six years of Waziria were easy ones. The Europeans left as if they were tourists shifting hotels. Behind them stayed
buildings, roads, a few aerodromes, a small dam in the East, hundreds of miles of railway track and rolling stock, several factories
and even one of the best universities in what used to be Puranasthan.

If Sir Karim didn't know exactly what to do with all these things left behind like somebody elseís luggage the new citizens of Waziria
were even less impressed. In fact, other than being forced to participate in endless celebrations and congratulating themselves and
their leaders (most of whom they had no idea were their leaders, as they had flown in from Puranasthan after the Europeans left) on
the Victorious Victory, life continued on with the same rhythm. Few cared whether they were part of one country or the next. Most
didn't know.

In the capital of Qazigram ("only a temporary capital," President Karim reminded those who asked. "We will begin building a
magnificent new capital near the Ambla Hills very soon, God willing.") the new country began to grow from just a name on the map
to an actual government. A Parliament was nominated by a committee of trusted leaders headed by President Karim's
brother-in-law, General Sultan Shah. A Cabinet was appointed with appropriate Ministries and Ministers. A few foreign embassies
were opened in Europe and North America. Puranasthan refused to recognize the new country for 4 months but eventually, like a
pouting lover, it came round.

Waziria had lots of rivers and forests. Its farmers plowed some of the richest soil in the world. The cities of the country were few but
ancient and full of bazaars in which for centuries Waziri merchants had refined the art of commerce and trade. The real problem
facing the new country was money. With the Europeans gone President Karim was hardpressed to maintain, let alone develop the
potential of his country. But for the first few years by cajoling, scolding and pleading, President Karim was able to open the pockets
of his wealthier landlords (for Waziria was essentially a land of feudal estates) often and wide enough to keep the new country
going.

Then in the seventh year of Waziria's life General Sultan Shah, the President's brother-in-law, and Minister of Defense and
Agriculture (it was still the early days) declared President Karim deposed and himself President.

Sultan Shah had moved against his wife's brother because President Karim had insisted upon getting a contribution for the running
of the country from Sultan Shah's family's estate as well. "I mean really," Sultan said to his wife soon after Karim had begun taxing
the landlords. "Even the Europeans knew not to touch the landlords. We are the backbone of this country and if that backbone is
weakened through taxes and more bloody taxes, this country will collapse like a house of cards. What does your brother think he is
up to? Tell him to go slow, do you hear?"

'Why don't you tell him to go slow? You are his trusted Minister and advisor."

"Because I must continue to make him think he's on the right track. Or that I'm on the same track as him. But I tell you, if he doesn't
stop this ruddy nonsense we may find ourselves at war."

"Oh really, Sultan. Don't be such..."

"I am telling you. If those buggers across the border in Puranasthan don't attack us there is bound to be an uprising. In fact, I'm sure
its that wily old Kapadia who has been advising old Karim all along. I've never liked the idea of being so chummy with those
bastards. I mean if we are such friends, what was the bloody point in launching this ruddy country in the first place?"

Kapadia, to whom Sultan referred was an old childhood friend of the President's. He was also a Hindu. Though most of his people
had been forced to leave for Puranasthan after the Europeans left, Kapadia had stayed on. "He's educated. Plus he knows what
he's talking about. Waziria needs people like Kapadia" Karim had replied in Kapadia's defense in a Cabinet meeting.

Sultan Shah had become convinced that Kapadia and a few others were a corrupting influence on President Karim and were, in
fact, agents of Puranasthan.

It was true. Kapadia had been influencing the President. He had advised Karim to take a friendly stance toward Puranasthan which
had inherited the bulk of the European military machine after Independence. Kapadia had also formulated the first Five Year Plan
which emphasized the development of agriculture and rural education. Karim had wanted to appoint Kapadia to the Supreme Court
but Kapadia had declined. Nevertheless, Kapadia played a prominent role in the drawing up of the Constitution and even served as
Law Minister for a few months.

The day President Karim was deposed, Kapadia was locked up in the Central Jail. A year later the Radio announced his death of
pneumonia in prison.

General Sultan Shah hit the brakes of Wazirian development as soon as he took control. His second announcement, after the one
declaring himself President, went like this.

"In the interests of public order the Supreme Ruling Council has suspended all public meetings of all sorts. Agents provocateurs
must be guarded against with constant vigil by the citizenry. Until further notice, all civil courts, universities and schools will remain
closed. All newspapers and magazines should cease publication with immediate effect. Waziria has been brought back from the brink
of international Bolshevist revolution and orange socialism of the Puranasthani variety. All civil and military authority now rests with
the Supreme Ruling Council chaired by President Major General Sultan Shah Khandavi."

The citizens of Waziria bowed their heads in submission to this and the many other orders issued by the SRC. Courts and magazines
were not apart of their daily lives so few cared whether they were open or closed. And in fact, when the SRC announced the lifting
of taxation of the landlords there were celebrations in all the towns. There were some cries and shouts of protest against the SRC
but not for long. The shouters and criers were arrested and after some days either renounced their protests or were never heard from
again. These were mostly 'self-important know-it-alls' and former supporters of President Karim.

As is often the case, things appear smoother and finer than they really are. Sultan Shah was under exactly such a ghaltfehmi, when
just as his Minister of Defense had predicted, the American Secretary of State, made an unexpected announcement directly upon
arriving at Begum International Airport.