Bharat Builders - A One Act Play

Ever since the 'civilized' European landlords let them go free some
fifty years ago, the citizens of Bharat, a rurban community in South
Asia, have been trying hard to build a 'bridge to the future.' They
call for tenders every five years and let the winning contractor work
on this mega-project. Since the latest contractor bungled and also
his business partner stabbed him on his back and ruined the work (if
you could call that), the community has called for fresh tenders.

There are three serious contenders this time: the Bigoted-Jan Parivar
Ltd., the Sycophants INC., and the Opportunists Anonymous. The
community gives each company a limited amount of time to convince them
why they should be given the contract this time.

Scene I

[All the factions of the Central Working Committee (CWC) members of
the Sycophants INC are seated on the floor, and hectic consultations
are going on in order to hide the faction fights and to put up a
united front. At the center is a woman, SecretSonia, flanked by
White-Man Mohan Singh, the accountant; Fodder Prasad Yadav, the
cashier; Jayakala, the revolutionary ethicist, and a whole lot of
others. There are a young man and a young woman standing right behind
her waving their hands just like "windshield wipers." A Bharat elder
asks the company president to step forward, and there ensues a great
confusion and commotion.]

White-man Mohan singh (propped up by a few INC functionaries and some
White-Men from Washington DC, screams): No, I'm not; I'm not the
President! I swear I have never even thought about it! I am a loyal
sycophant just like all the other sycophants! I won't do such a
thing! Please, lemme go.lemme go.

Jayakala: We have no President! When we start building the bridge, I
will also be a President!

[A group of Sycophants break in abruptly] Long live SecretSonia! Long
live SecretSonia! SecretSonia is our President!

SecretSonia (breaking her secretive silence briefly): When we win the
contract, the company will decide who the President is!

A Bharat Elder: Who in the company is in charge of doing that?

A group of Sycophants: SecretSonia is our leader!

The Elder (looking a little puzzled): What exact process do you
follow?

All the Sycophants: We let our leader decide that! She is the most
powerful, most resourceful and most careful!

SecretSonia: The company will decide when we win the contract.

[People of Bharat look worried and confused. Some murmur: "Why are
they secretive? Isn't SecretSonia the one?" SecretSonia suddenly gets
up and leaves the room. There are speculations as to where she is
heading to. A senior Sycophant announces to the people of Bharat that
she is going to the company office on urgent business and tries to
mislead them. But some of the community elders follow her and
discover that she is heading to the bathroom. The confused sycophants
create another scene and there is utter chaos all over.]

SecretSonia (settling down finally): We will build the bridge!

A Community Elder: But, Madam, how?

SecretSonia: My hubby was an architect, his mother was one, her father
was one, his father was one. We will build the bridge!

Another elder: That may be true, but have you built a bridge before?

SecretSonia: I am from the family of builders. We will build the
bridge!

Yet Another Elder: What was your role when your family members built?

SecretSonia: When my hubby built, I was his wife! When my
mother-in-law built, I was her daughter-in-law! We will build the
bridge!

Elder 1: Do you realize that we are not concerned about the past of
the bridge but the future of it?

SecretSonia: I have a son, daughter, and son-in-law. They are all
good at waving, smiling and sitting next to me. They will build the
bridge!

Elder 2: But they cannot guarantee the future.

SecretSonia: I will have grandchildren soon. They will build the
bridge!

The Elders (frustrated): Okay, okay, you build the damn bridge!

SecretSonia: Do we build a dam or bridge?

The Elders: Build any damn thing! Do you have a plan?

White-Man Mohan Singh (sensing the impending disaster, steps in and
answers the question): Yes, we have a plan. It has been specially
created by my friends in Washington, D.C. They are very experienced
in planning this kind of bridges around the world.

The Elders: Can you show us the plan?

White-Man Mohan Singh: They tell us what to do next as we go along!

The Elders: So you have no plan of yours?

White-Man Mohan Singh: We have a plan! Our plan is their plan, and
their plan is our plan! It is all the same plan!

The Elders: Do you have their plan?

White-Man Mohan Singh: Their plan is for all to see all over the
world! It is a global plan! And it is our plan!

The Elders: Madam, what do you say about all this confusing plan?

SecretSonia: It's White-Man's plan.

The Elders: What exactly is your plan, White-Man Mohan Singh?

White-Man Mohan Singh: It is a comprehensive plan. You let us build
the bridge; we will be indebted to you! And you will be indebted to
them! They will give us all money.

Fodder Prasad (hearing the word money, gets very excited): I will keep
the money; I will keep the money; I'm the cashier, you see?

Jayakala (determined not to let an opportunity slip by): Oh, Fodder,
Fodder, you cannot keep all the money. You have to share with all of
us! We will be in the same bridge project, you see! Do you know
Dravidian ethics, Fodder?

Fodder: What kind of crap is that?

[Jayakala dismisses him from the primary membership of all parties in
the whole wide world.]

White-Man Mohan Singh: Guys, guys, we cannot afford this 10 percent
fight now! We cannot take any of that money! It is for the bridge!
The Global Bank people have even greater ethics, you see?

Fodder: Building for free? Forget it! I never do that!

Jayakala: Me too, man! All this building and not even a few crores for
me! Forget it! I will boycott all the joint-meetings of me with every
single one of you!

[As Fodder, Jayakala and others exit, there is a chorus of chants and
praise and prayers that fill the room. Oh, Mother Powerful, make me
an MP! Goddess of Big Things, Make my son an MP! There is a stampede
of Sycophants.]

Scene II

[The background is hopelessly chaotic as there are quite a few Central
Committees, Polit Bureaus, General Councils and Executive Committees
pushing one another to occupy the central stage. The Opportunist
Anonymous folks do not seem to know who are in and who are out. Some
'comrades' walk in and other 'friends' walk out. The company,
sometimes known as the "Third Front," has in fact more than thirty
fronts. Some of the key figures at the frontline include Shared-Power
So-far, Comrade Support-Here, Comrade Oppose-There, TLC-TMC (Tender
Loving Care for Traditional Masters at Center) leader, Bahujan Boss,
Samajwadi Czar and others. A Bharat woman initiates the discussion by
asking Shared-Power So-far about his vision for the bridge.]

Shared-Power So-far (wiping his tears): Oh, sister, my dear sister,
what can I say! I am born to build this bridge for you all. Mother
Bharat came to me in my dream when I was hardly six years old and told
me: 'Son, you build my bridges! And no one else should!' (Sobs and
wails and blows his nose.)

The Bharat Woman (offering a handkerchief): Take it easy, Mr.
Shared-Power; nothing is lost yet!

Shared-Power So-far (stretching the handkerchief by holding its two
ends): Oh, sister! I wish you gave me a long rope instead. I could
have ended my life here and now! I am a wretched man! I'm in a great
moral dilemma!

The Bharat Woman: Why, why this agony? Did you have underworld
friends and underhand dealings?

Shared-Power So-far (sobbing): I'm a Congressman!

The Bharat Woman: Were you vainglorious and abusive?

Shared-Power So-far (sobbing): I'm a Congressman!

The Bharat Woman: What is it that bothers you so badly?

Shared-Power So-far (still sobbing): My former boss was born in a
foreign land!

The Bharat Woman (puzzled and intrigued): So?

Shared-Power So-far (blowing his nose in the handkerchief): She wants
to build your bridge! How could a foreigner build a domestic bridge?
When can I ever build a bridge? I'm getting old, sister, I'm getting
old.(beats on his chest and faints).

[As the confusion begins to clear up a little, Comrade Support-Here
and Comrade Oppose-There step in to stake their claim to build the
bridge for Bharat. With their characteristic dislike for criticism and
humor, they wear serious faces and share their ideological exegesis.]

Comrade Support-Here: We will not join in the construction of the
bridge itself, but we will not obstruct the not-so-destructive forces
if they decide to construct it.

Comrade Oppose-There: But we will oppose those forces if they ever
come to our neighborhood.

Comrade Support-Here: We will support them only from outside.

Comrade Oppose-There: But we may join hands with them!

Comrade Support-Here: We demand they change their economic policy!

Comrade Oppose-There: Otherwise we will only accept their support and
not give them ours!

Comrade Support-Here: We will strongly oppose corruption!

Comrade Oppose-There: And we will firmly support the corrupt!

Comrade Support-Here: We deplore bombs and bomb radiation!

Comrade Oppose-There: But we love reactors and reactor radiation!

Comrade Support-Here: We love rivers and dams and live for the damned!

Comrade Oppose-There: We are for the masses except a few tribals!

[As the comrades complete their vision for the Bharat bridge, other
'Third Front' leaders try to elbow each other to come to the forefront
and present their cases. With the help of their junior partner's
'physical strength,' the TLC-TMC (Tender Loving Care for Traditional
Masters at Center) leader manages to occupy the center-stage and
threatens a world-wide one-hour hunger-strike if they were denied the
chance to speak.]

TLC-TMC Leader (hums and whistles a tune alternately): "We shall
overcome, We shall overcome, We shall overcome someday."

Several People of Bharat (impatiently): Go ahead, say something! What
are you doing? Speak!

TLC-TMC Leader (holding his cell-phone next to his right ear): Can't
you all see? I'm waiting for a phone call from Delhi? I will speak
when I hear, Okay?

Several People of Bharat (angrily): Hear from who?

TLC-TMC Leader (in a calm voice and with collected posture): From my
erstwhile boss! The President of Sycophant INC. Why don't you just
wait? (Hums 'We shall overcome'.)

Several People of Bharat (raising their voices in exasperation): Are
you an independent contractor, or just a sub-contractor for the
Sycophants?

TLC-TMC Leader (with a saintly demeanor): My friends, all my
construction life I have never done anything without receiving orders
from someone in the Nehru-family in Delhi. That is why we call our
company TLC-TMC (Tender Loving Care for Traditional Masters at
Center), you see?

Some Young People of Bharat: As you wait for the call, why don't you
tell us about your plans for the bridge?

TLC-TMC Leader (still holding the phone in place): We will bring the
Kamaraj bridge!

Some Young People of Bharat: Excuse us! 'Bring' the Kamaraj bridge? Or
build it?

TLC-TMC Leader: We will bring the Kamaraj bridge!

Some Young People of Bharat: From where?

TLC-TMC Leader (condescendingly): You young people don't know about
the majestic Kamaraj bridge that existed in Bharat a few decades ago.
It was taken to Delhi for safekeeping by Senior Madame Gandhi. Now we
are asking the Junior Madame Gandhi if she still has it, you see. When
we get it, we will have a "Puthiya Bharatam"!

[The phone rings and the TLC-TMC leader panics and frets about.]

TLC-TMC Leader: Hello, yes, yes.(smiles and scratches his head and
smiles more) Long Live Nehru Family! Long Live the Kamaraj bridge!
(listens attentively and mumbles) Oh, the Kamaraj bridge is in the
Poes Garden now? Good, good.that is the ideal place, Mme! Thank you,
thank you very much! (sits stunned in his chair).

[As some of the young people of Bharat lay the TLC-TMC leader on the
floor for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and first-aid, there descend
the Bahujan Boss and the Samajwadi Czar clutching each other's throat.
A few of the young people rush toward them in order to avoid possible
manslaughter. The community hall looks like a battlefield.]

Scene III

[The Bigoted Jan Parivar Ltd. is trying hard to present a strong case
and to win over the contract one more time. Atom Bomb Vijaypayee, the
CEO who is often hailed these days as the Light man in the Right
company, is sitting with his division managers Rathvani, Jokeshi,
Fernandefense, Heckday (aka Heck of a day), and partners Thugeray,
KarunaRamnidhi, TDBJPgaru, and a large crowd of one-man company
sub-contractors, Vaiko, Ramadoss, Ramamurhty, Paswan, and so forth. A
Bharat community elder initiates the conversation.]

A Bharat Elder (looking toward the CEO of the Bigoted Jan Parivar
Ltd.): Atomji, why don't you start by saying a few words about your
company and your partners.

Atomji (clearing his throat): Ram Ram! Our company is actually a
conglomerate of like-minded builders. We are all collectively known
as Bigoted-Jan, and this bigotry has brought us all together and
strive to build this bridge for you and us. As we know very well,
bigotry has been the hallmark of our community's history. (Getting
into his poetic mood) We are all the bigoted sons of the bigoted jan!
(Turns to see his associates and they all jump to declare their own
respective bigotries).

Rathvani: Mandir Wahin Banayenge! Death to Judiciary bolonge!

Jokeshi: Educate to Eradicate! Eradicate Uma Bharathi! Chant Saraswati
Vandan and choke those who oppose!

Fernandefense: Condemn Bhagwat! Hate the Socialists!

Heckday (aka Heck of a day): Deve Gowda, where are you? Here is the
noose for all of you!

Thugeray: Hate Bangladeshis! Hate Pakistanis! Hate Election
Commission! Hate Dilip Kumar! Hate Everyone! Hate Everything! Hate .
(Atomji intervenes and instructs everyone to have a shorter list).

KarunaRamnidhi: Now we believe in heaven and hell, Hell suits
Jayalalitha very very well!

TDBJPgaru: Hate the Congress, Hate Parvathi! Hate all the sons of my
Father-in-Law!

Paswan: Hate Laloo, And Hate Muloo!

Ramadoss: Hate all the roadside trees! And hate the people against my
caste!

Ramamurhty (pushing Ramadoss out of his chair): Hate Ramadoss, Hate
Ramadoss! Hate his giving me only one seat! And hate Moopanar by all
means!

Atomji (signaling other bigoted-jan not to continue with more hate
declarations, resumes his speech): Oh, the people of Bharat! Can't
you see our energy and enthusiasm? With this kind of spirited team,
we can build anything we want! Atom bombs, neutron bombs, fission
bombs, fusion bombs, vision bombs, mission bombs.

A Bharat Youth (interrupting the speech): Pray tell, Atomji, what are
vision bombs and mission bombs?

Atomji: Abdul Kalam builds vision bombs, and Dara Singh uses mission
bombs!

A Bharat Woman: Ram Ram! Atomji, we want you to build a bridge to the
future, but you keep talking about bombs and wars!

Atomji (with a patronizing smile): Bahanji, obviously you are a
Rambhakt, and you should know what our Sri Ram did to safeguard the
future!

Rathvani (unable to control his enthusiasm, screams on top of his
voice): He built a bridge! He built a bridge!! He built a bridge
across the ocean!!!

Jokeshi (not wanting to lose out in the power struggle): The bridge
made our future! Sri Ram is a historical figure! And he is a big-time
Physicist and A-class engineer!

Atomji (resuming his speech): Sri Ramchander's bridge was to fight the
mother of all wars in Lanka and kill the father of all evils, Ravan!
Our company is one step ahead of Bhagwan Sri Ram! We prepare the
bombs first, and build the bridge next!

A Bharat Elder: Atomji, Sri Ramachandramurthi had a clear blueprint;
do you have one?

Atomji (beckons joyfully in his characteristic poetic cheer): Bring it
here, my boys! My nukey, nukey boys! All my Tamil Nukey boys!

[A few 'nukey' boys named Subrahmanyam, Chidambaram, and Abdul Kalam
prostrate at the 'lotus' feet of Atomji and handover the future-bridge
document.]

Atomji (holding it out to the people of Bharat): We call this "fuclear
doctrine" and this ensures "reliability, timeliness, accuracy and
weight" of the future-bridge-war that we will wage! The Ravanas will
vanish and the Ramas will win out!

Another Bharat Elder: But, Atomji, it will cost a lot of money to
build all these weapons that we may or may not use once the bridge is
completed. Shouldn't we be concentrating on building the bridge and
heading to peace?

Atomji (unable to hide his anger): You Ravan-lover! You Ram-traitor!
Where is your patriotism? Where is the love for your native land? If
Sri Ram had thought like that, can you and I be living here now? As
my Guruji said time and again, we need Men with capital 'M' and not
Eunachs with capital 'E!'

Yet Another Bharat Elder: Keep your cool, Atomji! Sri Jayram had a
lot of monkeys with him! And do you have any?

Atomji (excessively eager to convince and win the contract): I have
monkeys too! I have political monkeys! I have scientist monkeys! I
have religious monkeys! How many monkeys do you want? I have Supreme
Monkey Sukreev who can supply hundreds of thousands of monkeys and
cause a riot in a minute's notice! I have monkeys who build missiles
that are hundred times more powerful than the Ramayan-times weapons.
Do you need monkeys that cut trees and create chaos? Do you need
monkeys that jump from branch to branch, tree to tree, and front to
front? Aren't these fellows monkeys? What do they look like? Angels?

[This passionate speech having evoked the true monkey-nature in his
company men, they go berserk among the people of Bharat. As the
people of Bharat flee for their lives, the monkeys' pursue them with
greater vigor. There is mayhem and melee everywhere.]

Curtain!