Of Evil Zionists and the Great Satan

The Muslim world is chock-full of rage. Rage at injustices both real and imagined. And, now that we finally have some minimal face-time in the mass media, we have a long list of grievances which we wish to make known.

The Satanic West and the Evil Israel feature prominently in our tirades. The former is hated mostly because of colonial-era grudges and the colonial legacy. Of course, everyone knows that before the colonial period Muslims were Allah’s gift to the planet, disseminating the seeds of wisdom, tolerance and progress in our wake. This does not alleviate our rage against the West, but the regular recitation of such litanies opens a hole in the ground, into which we can then firmly shove our collective head. Israel, on the other hand, is hated because, just when we were debating the wisdom of removing our heads from the sand, it took up the slack left by the departing colonial powers and proceeded to humiliate us even further. It was one thing to be conquered by colonial powers with large fleets and larger bank balances, but for a few million Jews with no natural resources at their command to rout the combined might of the Arab countries was too much to bear.

Fortunately, however, our rage runs deep and our neuroses are legion. Even as one self-serving illusion begins to struggle for survival under the harsh glare of reality, another steps in to take its place. Our fictitious (though much ballyhooed) pan-Islamic Muslim unity is another popular placebo. However, embarrassing shows of solidarity such as the 1948 annexation of the non-Israeli portion of Palestine by their fellow Muslims in Jordan make it difficult to keep up this pretense for long, no matter how much we try to sweep them under the rug. Fortunately, however, our Great Ummah [nation] is composed of many races, providing ample opportunity for internal racism of all kinds. Pakistanis can bravely complain about how the evil state of the Muslim Ummah is because of the greedy Arabs. If they would just share their petrodollars with the rest of us, things would be so much better! After all, does Pakistan not loyally persecute its own Shia minority and allow Saudi royalty to hunt endangered species on Pakistani soil, all in an attempt to win Saudi favor and patronage? However, the Saudis know better. They can nobly point out that Pakistanis cannot speak Arabic, which relegates them to “second-class Muslim” status. Those Pakistanis should be happy that they are given Hajj [pilgrimage] visas at all. Another word out of them and they will be harassed, sent back to the end of the passport control line or flatly refused entry into the Kingdom. Those with Great Satanic American passports are quickly waved through with no hassle, yet further proof of our perfect unity and lack of hypocrisy.

If crass racism proves too unsophisticated for the modern world, we can always fall back on sectarianism. For the most part, the Sunni majority sect is content simply to think of the Shia minority as a crazy bunch who worship the Prophet Mohammed’s descendents. However, these perceptions are fertile ground to sow dissent and launch periodic pogroms against Shias should the political need arise. Of course, secure in their majority, most Sunnis can sit back complacently and disavow support for the Sunni extremist groups, Wahabbis being the most well-funded and visible. They are someone else’s problem, so someone else should deal with them. It is nothing short of remarkable that we fail to appreciate the irony of the situation when the US does precisely that, stepping in to Afghanistan to crush the Wahabbi Taliban and Al-Qaida. Shias breathed a sigh of relief as the US government forced General Pervez Musharraf to outlaw the extremist Sunni and Wahabbi groups in Pakistan. However, for their part, Shias hardly help their case by openly and knowingly engaging in inflammatory practices such as cursing figures revered by Sunnis in their majaalis [congregations]. Such activities presumably bring them closer to Allah and prove their loyalty to the family of the Prophet Mohammed, who themselves helped the very same personalities in the administration of the early caliphate. Other sects have equally mixed fortunes. Agha Khanis are looked upon with awe due to their deep pockets and tolerated because they are entrepreneurs, educators, and institution-builders. The Bohri community is largely overlooked, apart from envious statements about the fantastic wealth of their leader, the Syedna. Ahmedis, having not yet built up sufficient cash reserves to win begrudging acceptance, are prime assassination targets for the super-faithful. However, the realization that our time might be better spent in productive activities such as getting an education, holding a steady job or starting a business injures our sense of self-worth. Time to stick our head back into the sand and begin reciting those litanies again. America bad, Muslims good… America bad…

Fortunately for Muslims, the rest of the world is either too disinterested or too polite to point out these obvious chinks in our psychological armor. This greatly increases our capacity to indulge in them on a full-time basis, elevating this practice to the status of national sport. If we bore of this game, there is a variation on it that also has served us quite well. Having tired of bashing the West, it is now time to run around with our begging bowl, while at the same time trying to bask in the reflected glow from the saintly countenances of our angelic benefactors. The saints of yesteryear might feel envy at the unqualified admiration bestowed on these modern-day angels, our anger at the Great Satan quickly forgotten in the rush to elbow our way to the front of the bread line. Indeed, those saints might even feel a bit slighted. While they are revered solely for their moral qualities, the modern-day saints of the Satanic West are admired much more broadly than that. It is not simply admiration for the cultural, scientific or other achievements of the West. It runs far deeper than that. It extends to the belief that Westerners are the model of civility and progress, that their men are all handsome, dashing movie stars and that their women are all beautiful, sexy models. Indeed, it extends beyond even that. In the West, such a stereotypical hunk or blonde bombshell would at least typically be considered a ditz. Muslims do the exact opposite, imbuing them with cultural, intellectual and moral superiority.

Instead of unceasingly complaining about Zionist conspiracies and the awesome power of Jewish bankers, media figures and lobbyists, we should do something to improve our situation. There are roughly thirteen million Jews in the entire world, who live in the tiny, 22,000 sq km of land that is modern Israel and in the Diaspora, having no real natural resources to speak of. In contrast, there are almost two billion Muslims who sit on 70% of the world’s oil, not to mention countless other natural resources. When the retrospective history of this period is written, it will scarcely seem believable that the huge Muslim nation felt victimized by the tiny Jewish nation. If we are impoverished and oppressed, it is, first and foremost, our own fault. While the US government does indeed support the corrupt House of Saud, it is not Prince Bush who sits on the throne. While the Israeli government does indeed oppress the Palestinians, Jordanians were the ones who occupied their territories from 1948 to 1967 (thus preventing the nascent Palestinian state from being born), not Israelis. While the US government supplied arms to the most extreme of the Afghan mujahideen, American soldiers were not the ones who massacred the Hazaras in Mazar-e-Sharif. While the US government provided critical support to Saddam Hussein right through the worst of his atrocities, Iraqi soldiers were the ones busily gassing Kurds in their north, massacring Shias in their south, invading Kuwait in their east and threatening Jordan to their west, not Americans.

Americans and Israelis do not rule our countries. If our leaders are corrupt sell-outs, it is up to us to rectify that. There were no Arabs in the vanguard of the French Revolution. There were no Indonesians fighting alongside the native American tribes against the European colonists. Similarly, Muslim countries will not attain salvation by waiting for noble Westerners to solve their problems, or by constantly complaining and asking for more aid, investment and visas. Begging the US to understand our plight and be kind is a misguided waste of breath that avoids the real issues while subtly shifting the blame once again to the recalcitrant US. Are we destined to be relegated to the intellectual dust-bin of history? To be remembered as a once-promising, revolutionary force that has since degenerated into mindless, suicidal fanatics? The answer to those questions will be determined by what we do now.

And there is a great deal we can do. Muslims are not a tiny, powerless and (despite our many embarrassing actions) wholly clueless nation. Our history has certainly shown that we can do a great deal with just an empty desert as a starting point—if we put our minds to it. There are many obvious and technically unchallenging steps that we can take to avoid gloomy outcomes. It would be all the more shameful and highly regrettable if we miss this opportunity.

Muslims need not reinvent the wheel. The management techniques, technologies and methods to build up basic infrastructure, increase agricultural output and efficiency several-fold, reform health care, industrialize and develop modern service sectors are well-known and pay for themselves very quickly. Even if our governments adamantly refuse to assist in such efforts, private initiatives can do all these things profitably and affordably if the governments would just stop strangulating them. How many mothers would prefer to send their sons to the ailing local neo-Taliban training academy when they could, instead, send them to schools or to get a job in the now-booming economy?

If this seems too easy, that’s because the thorniest problems Muslims face are not of technology, intellect or resources. They are problems relating to the functioning of basic civil society, flaws of character, not ability. Beyond basic law and order problems and colonial legacies (which are common to most developing nations), there is a set of Muslim-specific ills we must cure.

First of all, we must at least agree to live harmoniously with our fellow Muslims, to (at a bare minimum) unite at least where our interests overlap. Sectarian differences will not vanish, but they need not be so divisive that we resort to shooting each other in mosques and bazaars. Sectarian violence in Muslim countries is by no means a fait accompli.

Secondly, we must take responsibility for our societies. If we don’t like it when the Imperious Americans storm into Afghanistan or Iraq, we should react by removing the pretext of the invasion rather than simply whining about it. It is ludicrous to expect that the general Muslim image will remain untarnished by the highly-visible actions of a highly extreme minority if we take no serious steps to stop them. In the process, perhaps we’d grow a spine and stop whining about how we have “no choice”.

Imperative for all this is to have representative and accountable leadership. Muslims love to wax lyrical about how Islam requires just, accountable leadership that “rules by consultation” (i.e. democratically). We need governments which empower nations rather than putting yokes on their tired, factious necks to harness their waning resources for the personal gain of a few despots. And this is not mere rhetoric. Why do nearly 2 billion Muslims struggle to get by in their own countries while they are successful in entrepreneurship and business elsewhere? The answer is simple. In their own countries, they have no incentive to make honest money. They are crippled by corrupt and short-sighted governments, problems in contract enforcement, infrastructure availability and other such issues. These are often the very same people who later achieve great professional success elsewhere, in countries where they do not enjoy home-ground advantages and are typically viewed as outsiders and unwanted immigrants. The issue is not one of ability. It is of basic governance.

The legendary Israeli foreign minister Abba Eban once famously remarked that Arabs “never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.” While this is undoubtedly both witty and slightly self-serving, there is a kernel of truth to it. As Khalil Gibran wrote, “Pity the nation whose sages are dumb with years and whose strong men are yet in the cradle.” However, there is no reason why this must remain the fate of the Muslim Ummah, graven in stone. It has certainly not been our history. The rise of the Muslim nation was, by any standards, breathtaking in terms of sheer pace and scale. It changed the face of the world forever, forging a civilization in the fire of tribal fratricide and inspiring the European Renaissance. We are on the very doorstep of an equally impressive Muslim resurgence, but only if we stand on our own two feet and take responsibility for our own affairs. If we continue to sit hunched over, with the begging bowl in one hand and burnt effigies of American presidents in the other, we will, at best, be mocked, ridiculed and laughed at. Glory or ridicule? The choice is ours.