Death

It was a hectic day in school. As it is she wasn’t a very bright student and her parents admitted her in ‘metric’ offering all pre-medical subjects. School was as boring as ever today of all days, nothing ever seemed to interest her. Stepping into her apartment on the 13th floor, she could smell the delicious chapatis and daal with kebabs cooking in the kitchen. ‘Amma’ was in her usual ‘do this do that’ mode, and obviously she being the eldest of the siblings had to ‘do this n do that’, not that she didn’t enjoy it but it could be taxing at times. The phone was ringing frantically, amma couldn’t pick it up, so she ran with a couple of glasses in her hand to see who could be calling at this odd hour of two in the afternoon. ‘Hello’. ‘Emm, id like to talk to you, I’ve seen you around in college and well I would like to be friends with you’. She was almost breathless, was it because of the excitement of this phone call, the very first phone call she had ever received from a guy, a guy who claimed to be interested in talking to her, or was it because she had come half running to attend the phone or may be it was the mystery guy that was exciting her. She put down the phone, had no idea what else to do or to say to the person at the other end. Amma came from the kitchen with the bowl of salan in one hand and a jug of water in the other. Daddy came too with his all too familiar cologne splashed on. She had always idealized daddy, he was her mentor in many ways, he was her knight in shining armor, he was something she wished she could be. Daddy loved her too, she was his eldest daughter, he wanted her to be perfect in all senses, he wanted to be proud of her.

She was a tall girl, had a dark complexion, was medium built and had long thick dark hair going to her mid-waist. She wasn’t particularly pretty or cute, she was just ordinary. Amma used to say she used to be a hell of a baby, but always wondered what went wrong. Never had any guy ever approached her or even bothered to look at her twice. It would always be either her friend or her friends’ friend being stared in party. This very first time some one had called her, she felt elated, and she felt one of them now. The voice on the other end was still ringing in her ears. It was a deep voice. A voice which commanded a response. She felt transported to a world of so many possibilities, a world of fantasies.

Two days had gone by, he hadn’t called. She was waiting. Wondering. The weekend was here finally. It was four in the afternoon. Amma and daddy were taking their afternoon nap. She was lying in bed too, because amma said she needed her rest as it was going to be a long dinner tonight. The phone rang, made her jolt out of her semi conscious state of numbness. She went to pick up the phone. ‘Hello’. ‘Hello. I saw you in college again today. Will you please just listen to me for five minutes. Hear me out this time please.’ The resonance in his voice made her oblivious to what he was saying. He took her silence as a yes. The first brick of the beginning of the end had already been cemented firmly. The phone calls became a regular episode. He would call, she would talk. When he wouldn’t call she would wait. She asked him for his number, he refused. Obviously his parents would never like it. She said shed be careful. He said he wasn’t comfortable.

After about a month of following this routine, they decided to meet. They sat together on the beach. Talked for hours. He was tall, she always wanted that. Meeting eventually became a regular feature. She was so completely involved in whatever he had to offer. She liked him. He said he liked her too. She was now in her 11th grade. Studies were a bit tough. Talking over the phone or meeting very frequently was becoming difficult. He had graduated from college. Had moved on to a new place. She used to miss him but would wait patiently for his visits. She had given her exams and was waiting for the weekend. His friend had told her he’d come over. Friday came, he called and they both decided on a place to meet. They spoke for a while. He was quiet. Quietly stared into space. She had no idea what had come over him lately. He seemed to be preoccupied almost always. She felt a maternal instinct to hold his hand, to tell him she was there for him, would always be. At that very moment, as if intercepting her thoughts, he turned to her, pulled her to himself and kissed her. She didn’t know what to do. To respond. To decline. To back off. To stop him. To push him away. Something made her hold on to him. She wanted him. Her mind was still working aimlessly in all directions. Eventually it ended. She wanted more. And he backed off. There was silence for a few minutes. She had tears in her eyes, was it because of the sheer intensity of it all or was it her conscience.

Another month passed by, they kept up their meeting rituals. He would always kiss her now. At times it felt as if he met her only when he wanted to kiss her. She felt betrayed at times, but never complained, couldn’t because she liked it too. Gradually, he cut down on the number of phone calls he made. She had no way of contacting him either. When he would come to town, hed call, they would meet and that would be the end of it. He never listened to her anymore. How could he, they hardly spoke to each other. There were so many things she wanted to say to him. She was leaving the country for starters. In another month’s time or so, she would be gone and they would probably never meet again. He never seemed to want to talk of that.

He called one fine day. It was after about two months that they were talking. Surprisingly she felt nothing. Nothing at all. After a few moments silence, ‘emm, I wanted to talk to you, ill be leaving in another months time. Amma will leave a bit early and I’ll follow her. I don’t know what’s going to become of us…of this.’ ‘Yea well why don’t we meet and then talk about it.’ ‘We don’t talk when we meet.’ ‘We’ll talk this time.’ And so she went to meet him. He looked a bit different. They kissed. There was a tinge, a sour tinge that she smelt. They were sitting right across each other. She was looking down, not knowing what to say. He lifted her chin and started to kiss her again. This time it was different. He was taking a step further. His hands were exciting feelings in her. Before she could stop him, he had her pinned to the ground. She was shocked, shocked at what was going on and shocked at him. She asked him to stop. He wouldn’t. She pushed him away. ‘Bitch! Don’t you fukking dare throw me away now.’ She stared at him. It couldn’t be him. He must be possessed. He’d never ever talk to her like that. It angered her beyond imagination to think he was humiliating her. With all her force she kicked him off herself. Taken aback by the sudden force, he fell to the side, hitting his head against the wall. For a while he sat there, staring at her. And she staring right back at him. The atrocity of the entire situation had just hit her. Just as she was getting up, he grabbed her arms behind her back. Oh khuda, what was he doing. She started crying. He hated women who cry. It irritated him. She was screaming and yelling at him. Almost begging him to let her go. He had to shut her up. Pulling her hair and twisting her arms wasn’t helping. He threw her to the floor. Spread her legs wide apart and pinned himself to keep them that way. ‘Please don’t do this, it hurts so bad, please don’t.’ he wasn’t listening to her. Grabbed her arm, and took something shinny out of his pocket. With the same hand he closed her mouth, almost suffocating her. Her eyes were all blurry with tears. She couldn’t see what was happening. She could feel everything that was being done to her. There was a sharp stab on her inner thigh. She was stabbed. Her leg went limp, not so much because of the pain but more out of horror. She was quiet enough now. And he entered her. She was numb. Numb in the head. Numb in the body. Numb in the soul. He was done in five minutes. He stood up and yanked her up as well. He was holding her by the arm. ‘This is between you and me only, ok?’ silence. ‘Cant you listen to what I’m saying, this goes no where!’ silence. ‘Gashti, reply to me!’ she started screaming like a mad woman hysterically. He had to shut her up. With the same knife he slashed her arms. Once, twice, thrice…on and on till her screams turned into quiet sobs. ‘Stupid woman!’ and she saw him walk away. She was bleeding. Her thigh was bleeding, she was bleeding down there, her arm was bleeding, her integrity was bleeding, her honor was bleeding and her eyes were dry. Her eyes were quiet, she could cry no more.

When she came home, amma was not there and neither was daddy. She went into the shower. She scrubbed herself clean, ever so slowly. As if collecting herself, as if making sense of everything, as if she had nothing to think of. She threw her clothes away. Bandaged herself and wore her long sleeved shirt. It was late in the evening, she went to bed. She stared at the darkness, at nothingness. She tried to make sense out of the silence. She tried to cry. She wanted to cry. Not a single tear fell.

Days passed by, she some how managed to get away with everything. No one knew. No one could ever know. She hated herself. He called again, this time to threaten her openly. She remained quiet, unable to say anything at all. That was when probably he realized she was of no use to him anymore.

She’s sitting today in a posh office and has an enviable job. She is still the daddy’s girl. She doesn’t go well with amma though. She takes care of her two younger sisters. She tried to find solace in food, it never worked. She switched to nicotine. She has a lot of friends today. Her silence has divided her into two people, the good beti at home and the good person she is outside home. She masterminds them both. She knows she’s neither. She killed herself a long time back, never to be resurrected.