Oh So Vicious

She had instructed me to stay away from him because she really liked him. She was only joking about how he was the type that I usually went for. She was one of my close friends; a little boy sacrifice from my side wasn’t a big deal- at that point.

I knew what she meant right away. The calm, collected, strong guy with an alluring air around him. Yes, he would have been one of my targets. He seemed the sort who would fit into my ‘I want’ category. But she had warned me and busy with the whole Lahore scene, I didn’t really bother. Why care when I had a warning and had so many other things to do- people to mingle with. Plus, he never showed any sign either. No I lie, he did. If constant eye conversations mean anything, then yes, we had a few of those during our all night sessions at M’s house.

M’s house was always good times, everyone sprawled around in a different room, some drunk, others scowling at the drunk, others amused at the interaction between these two groups of people. I was in the scowling category, but yet I must admit, some characters were more amusing than any drunks I had seen. M was a good host, making sure everyone had enough to drink and he blessed those, like me, who were sprawled around his room debating over pizza or nihari, with so many other food options.

She asked me later what I thought of him.

“Yeah, cool I guess,” I mumbled. I turned away and pretended to play with the cat. I despise cats.

“You mean bad don’t you?” She nervously looked at me.

“No man, I mean cool.” What is with girls and paranoia? Chances are though, in her place, I would be turning to someone for reassurance too.

But she was aiming in mid air. This guy’s feelings weren’t mutual. Or anywhere close to that in this case. Hadn’t I taught her anything? You don’t aim for the ones you can’t get. It only leads to splurging on Pringles and spending excessive money on Dunhill Lights. I enjoy a challenge and a chase, like my cousin and I once discussed driving to a wedding, it’s all about the chase, no point otherwise. I strongly agree, but after sometime, the chase isn’t fun. It’s heart wrenching and nerve wrecking. I didn’t want that for her, she was a friend.

After much “chill sessions” in Lahore and a few intense moments with interesting characters, I pack my bags for Karachi. The city of the superficial, the city which I hated for no concrete reason. Before leaving, I sms’d him. A nice goodbye because he deserved one. He replied saying he doesn’t message much so I wont hear much from him. But he had typed the patent, ‘tc, nice knowing you, bye’. Whatever, chances were I wouldn’t see him again. I was leaving for university soon, Pakistan would once again, fade away in my head for a good six months, until daddy dearest would fly me back home.

Never doubt the power of MSN…. It has an amazing capability of making you ‘connect’ to people. Or with people. My email address sailed over from M’s list to his within a span of few minutes. It took over six months to happen though. But it did. Our first conversation lasted well over three hours. Never have I sat in front of the screen at a stretch for this long. I immediately confessed that I’m terrified of my friend finding out. Later, she asked a few times if him and me were in touch. I pretended to not even know whom she was talking about for a few minutes. If she found out, the others in our circle would find out. I would have no friends left. They would all hate me. Was I going to have no friends at my wedding? These girls were my friends!! But then there was my knight in shinning armor. He said I had nothing to worry about because him and I were just friends. I nodded looking at the computer screen.

Before I knew it, I was eating my meals sitting in front of the screen. I slept clutching my cell phone. I grinned the way my roommate did when her boyfriend gave her a ring on her two-year anniversary. I sms’d under the desk in classes and I cursed my group members when they took their sweet time doing class projects. We weren’t hiding behind the façade of friends anymore. If we did, it would be the stupidest thing to do. Time flew when we would talk. My roommates became alert of my cell-phone beeps if I wasn’t around and would make me rush back to check his messages. We carried on conversations until his early morning hours and my late night hours. Who cared about sleep at this point, it was the early stage of a “relationship”. This is the period where you don’t sleep, don’t eat. Except I eat… a lot. The strongest emotion in the world can’t keep me from ignoring my food. As for sleep, a few hours during the day, one hour in a boring class, a little nap in the lab… it would be enough to carry on with the day.

Serious issues began being discussed. What about her? The friend I feared, pitied. It was mutually decided that it would be kept a secret. A secret from the person who trusted me. I had turned into a backstabber! A conniving little witch! If I tried hard, I would even hate myself. But I can’t. Everyone has to lookout for their happiness themselves. And I am sorry mine had to be hers. At least I think I am.

It’s the summer again. M has a wide smile on his face. Ah, old friends gathered! M was his best friend, so obviously M passed me secret winks and knowing nods. M does the same to him. I nervously look at him for reassurance and he nods. Being in person with him, I feel so much stronger than I did over stupid MSN. The friend who liked him revolved on M’s leather chair opposite me. We shared a glass of Coke and she ignores his existence and I am expected to do the same. We bitched about Annoying Laugh and Hairy Arms. She informed me that Sutta dude was dating Tight Jean’s best friend. I was in the same room as him for hours yet I had to pretend he was an acquaintance. I sat on the couch next to him yet I had to politely smile and twist my back so that I’m facing Shiny Eyes on my other side.

Sitting beside him, I sms him to come to the kitchen. I go and he obediently follows a few minutes later. For two seconds, I could stop pretending. Stop feeling like I was in high school where only the indecent girls indulged in public displays of affection. And like every brilliant Indian movie there was ever made, the other woman enters at the wrong time. I remind myself to bang my head later for choosing the kitchen. No seriously, what was I thinking? A suspicious mind like hers would even think something of me and him debating over the Kashmir Issue. A mind like hers would wonder, what are their hidden meanings? Giving Kashmir its freedom…. Hmm, does it mean they are meeting later tonight at 12? That’s what her mind was like. Chances are what she saw right now couldn’t even be covered up with a stupid story, even if I used the best liar skills I possessed.

She apologized for coming in, gave me a “what the eff were you thinking” look and went out. I looked at him and he just nodded. I nodded too, looking at the floor. His nods were a sign that all will be ok. His warm eyes reassured that. All will be okay. I repeat the mantra. I nod. I repeat. All will be ok. This time, we both enter M’s room together.