The king is dead – Long live the king. Musharaff is no more the chief of army staff – he is still around as the President.

‘But don’t you think Musharaff has a difficult job,’ a white man said to me in the sauna the other day at the Waterloo station next to the Normandy Landing.

‘I would love to take over his job if he is so unhappy. I will give away my sixth toe for that in fact.’ I said pointing to my deformity. ‘To tell you the truth, he has the cushiest job in the world considering the perks which come with the role. He is better off than the Queen you know,’ I continued, ‘considering that even the poor lady is answerable at times...’

‘You can’t compare him with the Queen.’ The white man said visibly offended.

‘Why not,’ I replied, ‘although we don’t like to admit in public but the only form of government we have ever enjoyed is constitutional monarchy.’

‘Oh, I think I might decide not to disagree with that after all,’ the white man remarked rather wickedly, ‘but you cant get the job anyway, you don’t have the personal qualities...’

‘And what qualities may that be?’ I replied in irritation.
‘I am self-righteous. I am sincere. I have the gift of the gab. I even possess concepts that can change the world such as Enlightened Mediocrity...’

‘Surely you don’t mean Enlightened Moderation,’ the white man said with a twinkle in his eyes almost as if he had discovered me already, ‘but that is Musharaff’s glorious thought – his gift to the world which is already written in history, which has even been adopted by the Organisation of Islamic Conference.’

‘His gift to you guys and the Organisation of Islamic Conference is more like it,’ I replied,’ but not to us Pakistanis. We don’t like to be restrained in any way. And by the way, when will you Britts learn not to be munafiqs?
I mean, how about seeing you guys try and teach moderation to your enlightened beings such as Amy Winehouse and the Beatles, perhaps even Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, before you try to sell moderation to us. And I bet you have never heard of Mirza Ghalib now have you, he was the father of them all let me educate you for your benefit. He was a man who rejected moderation based on the sound principle that enlightenment cannot go hand in hand with it. That one is an infinity and the other an immediate constraint on it if they were ever placed together for some strange reason.

No sorry, no boundaries, no parameters, there cannot be any conditions attached to us Pakistanis in our pursuits of enlightenment... no middle-of-the-road, neither-here-nor-there approach can work for us. And let me remind you, we have our own ways of doing things, and we go all the way if we ever decide to go anywhere at all. Even otherwise, don’t you understand that when it comes to
Enlightened Moderation... it is a bit confusing anyway...
The first half of the concept offers unbridled freedom, the other half instantaneously imposes a restriction on it, the first offers hope, the other instantaneously waters it down... it is a bit too much for us Pakistanis to handle you know. And that is why I say that I would personally like to be more direct in terms of the pearls of wisdom I pass on to the world at large when I take up Musharraff’s job... A simple straight forward ‘Enlightened Mediocrity’ would do.

At least it would intend matters as they are intended to stand and it will be an approach that will suit you guys as well. Hence forth we will surely discard all thoughts of terrorism in favour of enlightenment and tread the path of mediocrity rather willingly but it is moderation that we cannot stand, no way. It does not go with our psyche... period.’

‘And it is not as if we haven’t tried,’ I continued anyway.
‘We tried it on the Pakistan cricket team but Shoaib Akhtar did not seem to agree. And neither did that bearded guy whateverhisname...’

‘OK,’ the white man said, ‘but can you please elaborate on the fact that who exactly will determine when enlightenment was crossing the boundaries of mediocrity... when, why and how... that when exceeding the limits of mediocrity would possibly destroy all possibilities of enlightenment... that is, if you were to take Musharraf’s place God forbid, and in that case can you also be precise about the fact that who will determine which set of judiciary was enlightened and which was not, and that which set of media was mediocre and which was not... ‘

‘Me, of course,’ I replied. ‘Are you simple or something? Obviously, it is only I who will be able to decide now wont I. And its also fair now innit... for at the end of the day it is my concept after all... being the original author, obviously I will be the best judge as well.’

‘Talking about originality,’ the white man said, ‘is it true that the concept of Enlightened Moderation was passed on by the Americans as a Knee-jerk reaction to extremism?’

‘Come on have a heart,’ I replied with obvious disgust, ‘how can the Americans who believe in the American Dream, in limitless possibilities, ever try to induce moderation. Come on man, be serious, America is the world of Ayn Rand, of the excellence of mankind, of perfection etc etc...it has no place or regard for moderation.’

‘But then this Ayn Rand world also describes people who are not capable of ever producing wealth directly in their lives and thus have no option but to control those who do through rules and laws and public ordinances and so on and so forth,’ the white man quipped. ‘And so do you think there can be any truth in it after all that it was actually the Americans who exported the concept. Maybe they are also munafiqs... and to me Musharraf does not seem as an intellectual anyway. ’

‘Don’t you dare talk against Musharaff, ‘I said raising my voice, ‘we have a law against that, next to the law on blasphemy. And in any case, even if you see us Pakistanis stand divided from your foreign eyes it does not mean that we don’t fall united... All I am saying is that Enlightened Mediocrity is a more simple and straightforward concept compared to Enlightened Moderation.’

‘Well, you have a point,’ the white man said with near resignation, ‘amongst all this nonsense you have poured out in the sauna, at least one thing is for sure, the Ayn Rand stuff. If it were not so, then why would the generals be the richest community in Pakistan... richer than the businessman even when they have only been responsible for consuming wealth and not producing it... so then... what do you propose...?’

‘I propose a controlled environment. I propose Enlightened Mediocrity,’ I answered in triumph.