I have never been so silent in my life. In the worst of times I had some verses and some words to soothe my senses. Now I am huddled in a dark corner of my room, staring at the pitch darkness outside my window. The air is so still that even the slightest rustle of my hair makes me shudder. Death is no longer a mere word; it is a deeply embedded feeling in my bosom. I have never felt so morose and stranded. The night is grim and hidden fears lurk in the shadows. There are no stars or moonlight and the silence is only broken by the distant sound of crickets. I shiver under the dark spell of nature and begin to cry. I am thinking of him tonight and the universe seems to mourn the death of our love. I don’t talk to him anymore. There is nothing left to say. I find myself crawling into my inner shell every time he tries to approach me. We have not only lost a precious bond, we’ve also lost the hope of it ever becoming something worthwhile.

He wants to know why I am leaving him. He says he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me. He has spoken more words to me in a few days than in all the years we have been together. I’ve always loved his eyes. They change colors and soften when he talks. I cannot find anything attractive in him anymore. Today, I was startled by how ordinary his features are. I know his face has not changed, but nothing draws me to him anymore. I have ceased to love him.

I am very quiet today. It is unusual for me to be so quiet. I usually have something to say, especially while parting. I am in love with the spoken word and a hopeless romantic. I cannot imagine parting without a farewell song. But today I feel nothing, so I say nothing. There is no joy, no longing, and no sadness in our farewell. Just a dreary, dark silence that flows freely between us and nothing can bridge this void. I do not look at his face that I once loved so ardently. I do not hold his hand for a last touch to remember forever. My lips part but only to sigh for the nothingness that our love has ended in. I am surprised and bewildered at the complete stranger who stands before me and stirs no emotions whatsoever in my heart. He is saying something but I cannot comprehend his words. All I see is the slow movement of his lips and the lines strewn across his features. I want something inside me to break while parting because that would mean that there is a sense of loss. But the numbness of my soul haunts me.

How can someone as passionate as me be so devoid of emotion? The answer lies in the years of our benevolence. He has drained me of all my feelings. When I loved him he did not appreciate it. When I cared, he had no compassion to share. When I cried, he mocked my tears. When I felt lonely he was no comfort. When I was angry he did not understand. When I turned to go he had no tears in his eyes. How can a man so bland be loved by a woman like me? How can a woman like me have nothing left in her for this man that she once loved? I remember, there was always a part of me that cared. When he was cruel, I would cry all night. When he was angry I’d try and understand his limitations. When he was emotionally detached, I’d try and love him more ardently so that his hard outer shell would melt at my touch. But then there was the wiser part of my mind that always knew that I deserved better. Now that sensible part is all that is left of the woman who loved him. I wince inwardly at the irony of fate. Now we have exchanged our roles. Now I am the cruel heartless one and he is the one who is pleading. He had no mercy to give when I needed it and now I have no love left to give him.

We are sitting together for the last time. He tries to stir my emotions but to no avail. He reminds me of old anecdotes that always made me smile. I am as surprised as him at the bland effect his words have on me. He lightly strokes my hand and asks what is worrying me. His touch does not send ripples of pleasure in my body. This is the first time we have touched in months and I feel nothing. I look at his hand in mine and smile meekly. I do not know how to tell him that I am sure I have ceased to care about him. I know he wants to make amends but I do not have any power over my heart. I have moved on emotionally and now he is just an old friend who will never be an important part of my life. I look at him and he sighs with visible agony. I know he is aware of the change in the way I look at him.

No one can define adoration and admiration in words but someone who has been loved that much can sense the lack of old feelings very deeply. He does not understand that a woman’s heart has already tried beyond its capacity when she gives up on the object of her desire. I have ceased to love him for ages and now there is little that he can do to remedy it. I want him to know that he has always given too little, too late. But I know that all the conversations between us will end up in him apologizing to me for all that is forgotten. I feel like complaining to him, but a gentle compassion takes over. I have already forgiven a man who could not value or understand my love. But I do not have the capacity to invest in him anymore.

We sit quietly sipping our coffee and looking at the swaying trees outside the window. Finally he asks me what my decision is. I was waiting for this dreaded moment. Now he wants me to take full responsibility for breaking up so that he can blame me for his misery. I look at him and wonder how could I love this person so ardently? How could I be so blinded in love? I silently say that I will always care for you and hope no harm ever comes your way. I will always cherish the wonderful moments we have spent together and smile or cry instantly at the innocence of youth. But all those times are mere memories now. I am leaving and there is no means of reconciliation. He is still studying my face as if he might read in between the lines and say or do the right thing this time. My farewell is awkward and abrupt, maybe because it is not heartfelt. He holds my chin lightly and strokes my lips with his thumb. I feel awful making him beg for love. I hug him a little warmly this time. But I say farewell firmly and get up to leave. He knows I am a kind person, but pity is not going to rekindle our relationship. He holds my hand and starts crying. What do I do? He wants one last chance. I stroke his hair and wait for him to sober up again.

How can I be so heartless? How can I walk away when someone is begging me to stay? The answer lies in the silence before the storm. He let our feelings decay for so long that I am drained of words and feelings. And if forced to share, the bitterness that has been welling up inside me for years will spill out and hurt him much more deeply than mere silence ever would. I leave quietly. I can feel him watching me go as warm tears stain his face. I can sense his anger and surprise at my calm departure. My heart aches so badly that I need to slow down to catch my breath. I turn a corner and lean against the wall with my eyes closed. It is hurting so badly, thank god I still have the humanity to feel his pain. I thought he had taken away my sensibility.

This time I feel awful because I know how he feels and a part of me still loves him in an unexplainable way. I will always love him from a distance and cry myself to sleep every time life reminds me of him. A strange calm descends upon me as I hum a familiar song that says that my heart will be comforted thinking that finally we are facing the same pain. There is nothing more to say. I am speechless.