Travelling man, the best way to gain knowledge and distribute it, is to look around, plug in your own biases and add some half-truths. Beats asking cab drivers and newspaper vendors, though I know a few television reporters who would disagree. Their best way is to stumble across to the local press club and pump the print media guys for information, on the promise that they would help said print media guys get on the tube. The print media guys, meanwhile, being poorer, get their info from bus-conductors and peanut sellers. The peanut sellers, in turn, get it from last week's newspapers found lying in the bus which were then converted into small paper bags to sell peanuts from.



And thus the world goes around and round as everybody and his uncle/aunt from New Jersey or Des Moines belts his or her version out on what Clinton is doing in India. That is one version, for the masses.



This is another one, for those of us at chowk.



I think Clinton should not visit Pakistan, that Pakistan is not worthy of a visit by this American President and that as an Indian, I consider it my duty to warn Pakistanis that if they allow Clinton in, they are at fault. After all, we have a democracy and thus have to permit such idiocities. You guys have a fairly clubby kind of military rule, what prevents you from simply filling his airplane up and forwarding it to Dubai and Kandahar?



Clinton has come to India for a variety of reasons. These were decided by him whilst he was between ovals. I know because I listen carefully to straws in the wind whistling past and also because I ask questions of a sort nobody expects, thus generating usually truthful answers in between. One thing is for sure: Clinton has not come to India to cleanse his sins in the holy Ganges. If Pakistan feels they should have Clinton, then a few outright contradictions surface in the first instance:-



a) that Pakistan agrees with India on the reasons behind Clinton's visit, which is not possible, as historically we need to disagree, which is why school children in Pakistan are taught that the sun rises in the West, not in the East where lie the perfidious Indians.

b) that Pakistan is, unlike India, fully capable of standing up on its own feet and do not need any American imperialist telling them not to burn the American Library down in Karachi.

c) that Pakistan has not had enough of Madeiline Allbright. Her thighs are like mine, though I wear trousers.



But here, for the first time ever, gleaned from secret documents found by my neighbourhood peanut seller on the 419 I drive on the more profitable 423 route after I finish my day job to supplement income, are the real reasons behind Bill coming to India, and if you still want him, I feel sorry for you. You deserve Kashmir, then, it is meant for dunderheads who cannot realise that Srinagar is a very cold place. But we are still not going to let you have it, mainly because. Like the Jat Sikh, Jat Hindu and Jat Muslim in the Haryana Roadways bus, hurtling along GT Road on a cold wintry night, arguing about whether the window should be up or down, not realising that the window had no glass.



But on to why I think Clinton should not come to Pakistan . . . and if you get him, this one is not our fault, nor was it dreamt up by RAW to de-stabilise you guys, OK?



1) The primary reason for Shri Honourable William Jefferson Clinton's visit to India is because one of his cigar chomping buddies, no reference to anything feminine, canine or bovine intended, told him that he would only go to India if they allowed him to take the mother-in-law along, and return alone. Not sure if this statement originated from Steve Martin or Stephen King, but either which way, Bill ji has brought his mother-in-law, one Shrimati Rodham, along.



I have heard that Indian officials are making sure that she gets enough to eat, she may also get eaten, as you know most of us eat anything except beef sometimes.



2) The next reason is that Bill ji came here, finally, to inhale. Not content with being swallowed, and not getting inhaled by Hilary ji anymore, he decided that Amsterdam was too obvious in an election year, besides they now charge a non-refundable sales tax on the stuff. However, on landing, he inhaled our regular Delhi air and was visibly stoned at first hit. Thus, the rest of the Indians who wished to greet him in the traditional way by stoning him had to be content with lighting him up. The night before Holi is celebrated with burning of puppets of unpopular people.



What timing, yaar, what a dope! Pull something else, you are surely saying by now?



3) A poll was taken on which American Ambassador anywhere had the sexiest wife, and we won, we won! However, spoil sports all, this clashed with point No. 1 in terms of timing, and so all he got was a peck on the cheeks and a quick buss behind the limo. Mrs. Celeste is, well, more than just stately. We placed a few hundred television camera to catch the moment and all he got was two pecks on the cheek?



There is no truth that Narayanmurthy is buying her along with Cambridge Partners, either.



4) Apart from a slowdown in the tobacco industry, our hotel industry is not doing too well either, as most IT types tend to stay at company owned guesthouses or doss down for the night on living room couches anywhere. The Maurya Sheraton, where Bill ji is staying, especially is rather dull a hotel, and is, furthermore, owned by a tobacco group. Please see point No. 2 on only not inhaling. Tobacco included, but you can tell your pals in the US that they have a tobacco lobbyist on their hands as soon as he hands over to the next guy whenever. Thus, this visit is truly to boost tobacco sales all over. The India Tobacco Company, erstwhile Imperial, strikes again, and the East India Company, powerful be its hands, strikes through the Yankee links.



The main reason this hotel was chosen was because it is said to be safe. Safe is boring, usually.



5) The last real and yet unreported secret reason behind Bill ji coming to India is to change the usual landing path into Palam Airport. The new one is the old one, unused all these years, which flies over my house.



Which is why I am up at this unGodly hour, writing this provocatively titled piece. I cannot sleep as a plane screams past overhead every 2 to 3 minutes and I know the great foreign hand, your ISI, is behind it.



So there, I don't want Clinton to go to Pakistan.



+++



But seriously, I do think Bill Clinton should not visit Pakistan. The day he landed in India, our cricket team lost a match to South Africa by 10 runs, one that they were supposed to win. If you Pakis care for cricket, and I know a few who are willing to do anything for cricket, then be warned. He will have all of you playing rounders . . . oops, baseball, very soon.



And that we can't have you guys doing, at any cost. Once our border problems are solved, then what else will we have left to fight over, now that both Kajol and Madhuri Dixit are married?