The final cut

Did you see the way they chopped down all those wonderful old trees in front of the Karachi Marriot.

Hotel? They said it was done for “security reasons.” Bravo. Very nice. Good work. That area sure is safe from terrorists now, right? Wow. Didn’t know they used to hide out on those big bad trees, right along side the number of eagle and crow nests these trees used to hold. Bad trees. Bad, bad trees. Now there is no place to hide for the terrorists. I say cut off the grass, uproot the remaining plants and flowers as well. Make the area really super, dooper secure. Yo!

Actually we’re really very good at chopping down trees. We may be awful at making roads, schools, electricity, awful at supplying appropriate amounts of water, create enough jobs, curb crime, run hospitals, pick up rotting garbage, but yes, chopping down trees is one thing we (especially in Karachi) are truly good at. Especially for noble and constructive reasons such as: making way for wide open parking lots and erecting massive, monstrous advertising hoardings. And, oh yes, we’re also very good at piling up garbage dumps (and don’t they look glorious when on fire!). Ah, the smoke,
the smell, the aura, the atmosphere. Mmmmm, a real turn-on.
Another thing we do very well. Scribbling the walls with the most obnoxiously unaesthetic graffiti and posters. And look! Don’t all those wonderful yellow, blue, white and red plastic bags look so lovely surfing over the city’s dusty winds? Wow. What a sight. And watch out for that cow crossing the road; and for that cyclist on Shara-e-Faisal’s fast lane; and for that hijab lady strolling along the road looking neither left nor right trusting that the almighty shall protect her from any accident whatsoever (Ferhat
Hashmi told her so?).

And look. Look at those magnificent green flags. Big green flags fluttering away (though they usually turn pale polluted black in a matter of days). But why are they there? Of course, how else would we know 12 Rabiul-Awal is approaching. But why flags? How do they serve Islam or the memory of the prophet? All they remind me is of the late Maullana Shah Ahmed Noorani, may his soul rest in peace.

Anyway, did I tell you how ticked off I get when I see a tree being chopped down? Makes me want to pick up a good old fashioned axe and cut down as many advertising hoardings as possible.

But then, of course, this means I’m “insane.” An ex-Marxist-turned-mad-tree-hugger.

Are there any tree-huggers in our music industry? Since they are always so crap scared (and usually clueless) to ever bother to pen a song about the more bigger social and political issues, I figured some of them may as well sing a tune or two about chopped trees and suffocating advertising hoardings?

Of course they won’t pay as much as those lovely, colorful tunes about mehndi ceremonies, soapy romances, unabashed bhangra freak outs, fizzy colas, tea bags and ice-cream cones but ...oops.

Did I say colas, cones and tea bags? Uh-oh. Been seeing a lot of cola, cone and tea hoardings. And what do you know, ta-da! Guess who’s on them? Pop stars! So why on earth would any one of them sing about chopping down hoardings (instead of trees)?

Oh, well, my mistake again. Must ... think ... straight. Must ... be ... realistic. Must ... chop ... trees. Must ... hoist ... green flag. Must ... shut ... up.
* * * * *

Up in smoke

On a recent trip to Dubai and Thailand I kept bumping into a press ad that suggested “Smoking was not cool anymore.” No. It wasn’t one of those fascist no-smoking ads. It was an ad of a bloody pair of designer shoes! What have shoes got to do with smoking, danmit? Naaaa. They are right.

People like me are fools. And that too uncool fools. We smoke, don’t exercise and don’t worry about the possibility of one day being weight over by a beer-belly. Yes sir, thanks to that ad I have decided to quit smoking and start to chew shoes. All successful men do.

Must ... think ... straight. Must ... be ... realistic. Must ... chew ... shoe.