Respected Manmohanji:

Yeh tau hona hi tha. All this drama is happening because Queen Elizabeth does not want Prince Charles to become King. Aap meri baat samajh rahe hai na? I can put myself in your shoes. Arre, I was in your shoes, bhool jaata hoon.

Advaniji did same-to-same thing with me what Soniaji is doing with you. Remember when you were going on your first trip as prime minister to Bangkok and told all the MPs not to come to the airport with bouquets of flowers? Madam landed up there holding one rose in her hand. Kaanta lagaa?

The other day when they had this function for Rajiv Gandhi’s 50th birth anniversary, you were like an add-on. All the newspapers carried photographs of you bending with folded hands to greet not Soniaji, not Rahul, not even Priyanka, but little Rehan, Madam’s grandson, who will one day be PM. Aisa hi hota hai. This is our destiny. We are here to prop dynasties of different kinds – you of a family, I of Hindutva. And we suffer quietly. I got knee trouble, you will get back trouble.

Let me tell you what is happening. Don’t forget I am the politician, you are still a babu at heart. Don’t feel insulted, but no politician in his right mind will tell his MPs that money does not grow on trees; they know it comes from illicit activities.

You must be wondering why I am trying to help you now after making a public statement attacking you. Look at the phrases I used -- “confrontationist approach”, “unwritten code of political conduct”, “impolite and unbecoming conduct”. I am reminded of my poem…what? You don’t like poetry?? Ok, ok. See, these are interesting words, add them to your vocabulary. You are a part of the government, not the Opposition, so you will need to have a confrontationist approach. And has there ever been an unwritten code of conduct? If it is not written, then nobody knows it. As for impolite conduct, I was not even there, so I would not know.

Mujhe maaf kar dena. I had to do this to regain my lost glory. And also because they still think I make a good mukhota, mask. Assembly elections are round the corner, so they need to bring me out from the shelf. After sitting with the NDA leaders for an hour and a half, I decided to address a press conference. I said, “It seems the government does not want the Opposition’s cooperation... and if it does it is only on its own terms.” It is a laughing matter, really. Naturally the government would work on its own terms. I added how it was the government’s responsibility to have a dialogue. Kehne mein kya harj hai? When we were in power, we did not sit with the Congress and discuss how to deal with Godhra, Gujarat, Kashmir.

If I sounded harsh on you, I was only trying to make a point for myself. “I have been in Parliament for close to five decades now — for most of the time in the Opposition. However, never have I seen a time when the Prime Minister has lost his temper at the leaders of the Opposition and refused to even accept a memorandum from them.” I know there was no reason for you to accept such a memorandum which must be brought up in Parliament, and I am certain you did not bang the file on the table. At our age, it is difficult to even hold those bulky files in our hands. Our partymen are complaining that you kept them standing and you and some of your ministers who were there were also standing and you did not even offer them tea. You clarified that you did ask them but they declined. Now, you must learn some things from us Lucknowis. Even if the guest refuses, force it down his throat. In this way you will be a good mezbaan, host, and he will suffer from indigestion.

Mera position bohat delicate hai. I have to say something and in the silence sochta hoon ke main kahaan phass gaya? That day I had to state, “It is with deep regret and much reluctance that members of Parliament belonging to the National Democratic Alliance decided to stay away from Parliament to protest against the Prime Minister’s unbecoming conduct. I learn from L.K. Advani, Leader of the Opposition, that the Prime Minister phoned him later in the evening to express regret and to say that he did not mean to offend the NDA delegation.”

On the one hand I talk about the Opposition and government co-operating and here I was condoning the behaviour of the NDA. Were they protesting or only taking a holiday so that they could watch the Olympics on TV or try and dig out material on Veer Savarkar or follow Uma Bharti?

I don’t know why Advaniji cannot do the talking himself. Come to think of it, I know. Had he criticised you directly, then it would seem that he is running the show. Just like Soniaji, woh peechhey se teer maartey hai. Instead he spoke about the Emergency and the Marxists. And now he is going to launch the ‘Bangalore Satyagraha’ to the tune of “Rashtradhwaj ka apmaan, nahi sahega Hindustan” (An insult to the national flag will not be condoned by India.). We have been unfurling the saffron flag ever since we were in power and now suddenly we are discovering it has three colours. And how can we have a Satyagraha in support of someone who shouts, “Dhakka lagao zor se” to bring down a mosque and not a foreign force or even a dictatorial government?

The Uma Bharti road show (I am learning all this smart language from the American elections) is a battle between two women. I respect women a lot, which is why I did not get married. But Soniaji is raking up the incident of the Idgah maidan because she wants to make a devious statement: That she does not have to carry her nationalism on her sleeve by ignoring minority sentiments. Looks like she is missing all the mileage we got from our communal agenda.

She has put Umaji in jail only because she can again become the centre of political attention. It is her strategy. The “satyagrahi jathas (suicide squads)” from MP will descend on Hubli on August 30 in a show of support. The “Tiranga Yatra” to Jallianwala Bagh will begin the moment their leader is released from jail. (What Jallianwala Bagh has got to do with Karnataka I don’t know.)

Umaji’s patriotism will make the NDA question Soniaji’s nationality and nationalism. Same old thing. How will this help Madam? She will again talk about her family’s sacrifice and now her own. That she could have accepted the PMship. By becoming the tragedy queen, she will get everyone to believe in everything she says. I heard this comment recently: “She looks after the political matters and he after the government matters.” In my understanding, this means she conducts the orchestra and you play the tune. They are saying you owe your position to her. Now all this will come out in the open.

With Uma’s case. With the Veer Savarkar controversy. What is the need to remove his picture? You think she is bothered about who killed Mahatma Gandhi? If you ask me, she must have spent her early years thinking he died due to starvation or cold, the way he dressed.

The NDA loves Savarkar, though no one really knows why. He once loved the British. Politics is a strange game. And they are bringing Vande Mataram out again. Soniaji will oppose it, not because of any ideological reason. She will pretend it will hurt the Muslims but it will really protect the dynasty. It was Nehru who chose the present national anthem as opposed to Vande Mataram because he thought that it would be easier for the band to play!

All these problems so soon in your tenure are being created to make Madam look good. I read a report which stated that she was stunned by your behaviour with the NDA leaders who approached you with the memorandum. Ajeeb baat hai. She herself would not even permit her own partymen anywhere close to her office and suddenly she is feeling a great deal of warmth towards the Opposition.

Just be careful. I know you are not power hungry and you drive in an Ambassador car. (I got those custom-made BMWs only so that if there were no attempts on my life, I could rest in peace and not have to run the government.) But once you have tasted the cow’s milk of power, wahe guru di kasam, you begin to feel you are a muqaddar ka sikandar.

You may be Soniaji’s representative, as they said I was Advaniji’s, but we can get a bit of glitter too. Don’t try this “humble servant of the people” act. Indians are always looking for masters. It may sound strange to you that I am giving you tips. Lekin main majboor hoon. I have learned it the hard way. See what I did in Manali. I went on a holiday and made all kinds of political statements. Sach-much chhutti kar di!

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai that you may also have an ace up your sleeve. Maybe you did bang those files on the table. Isn’t that why you are suddenly all over in the news?
They are calling you the “rudest prime minister ever”. This is your moment of glory. Enjoy it. Do something like what I did in Goa. Say “I’ll be back”, even if you have not gone anywhere. Impact is important. You work on your act. I am with you. If you can find someone like Narendra Modi in your party, life will become easier.

Now I better stop. There is a call from Shaukat Aziz in Islamabad. He too wants a few lessons. This may seem weird, but even Pervez Musharraf often calls for the same reason.

Main tau ab saab ban gayaa…

Aapka hamdard,

Atal Behari Vajpayee