I planned on being in Sri Lanka for three months. May 11th completed those three months for me. In the process of volunteering I managed somehow (I am still not sure how this happened) to be employed by a big international NGO which shall rename nameless, and so I continue working in Sri Lanka.

I will be here for the next three months at least working on community development in the East (Ampara to be exact). Since I am working for a bigger NGO (INGO) I cannot continue to write about my experiences. That will constitutes a breach of confidentiality. Hence this last piece for Chowk on my experiences in working as an aid/humanitarian worker in post tsunami Sri Lanka.

Before taking this new position I went to India for four days to see my best friend in Bangalore and D and I were sitting there talking just about the volunteer situation and what we had been through and it felt good to talk about it with someone who cared about us. I was surprised to see that I started tearing up and D was visibly disturbed as well. We were not aware till that point how much we had needed to be out of Sri Lanka and just how much it had taken out of us.

We were told before coming to Sri Lanka that we would need therapy when it was over. I listened to the well meaning people but I dismissed them since therapy seemed overkill to me. It’s not like I was going to be picking up dead bodies or seeing horrific images or anything. I was just going to be dealing with people and helping out the best that I could. Therapy seemed far fetched.

Independent volunteer work is ongoing. Operations, the last I heard have moved from the South (Hikkaduwa and Galle) further south east to Tangalle, Hambantota and even up the East coast to Arugam Bay (which is THE tourist destination in the east. A surfer’s paradise I hear). Good luck to all those people moving out east and god speed with the volunteer work, about which I have mixed reactions. Ignorance, arrogance and good intentions as D (paraphrasing Camus) would always say to new volunteers coming in: they’re the road to hell.

I have been scarred and disillusioned by this whole process.

I am holding it together still since I need to be here for a minimum of three more months and I need to be able to function without impending doom and gloom hanging over my head. I cannot work otherwise. Like Allen Carr’s book, “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking” opines, I continue to fool myself into keeping an optimistic outlook regardless of how hopeless, ridiculous and mired in politics the situation seems.

I will need therapy when I get back home.

I have more information at my disposal now with my new assignment (not to talk about the monetary resources) which is not necessarily a good thing. Let me say that again: It is not such a good thing for me. I need the information to do my job but it is wrecking havoc on me. I am in a position to make moral judgment calls. Does it get any worse than this? Does it get any better? This one-handed dispensing of resources at my finger tips. Oh, God.

I used to berate my sister for advocating Muslims working in the CIA or FBI. I thought it was selling oneself out. Her argument was that you work from the inside and bring about change. I had scoffed at the idea.

I took the easy moral high ground on that issue.

This is sad but the ‘work from the inside’ argument is how I am justifying working for a big organization to some extent. Work with resources I now have to make a positive change.

By no means do I want to disqualify the difficult work that is being done by the bigger organizations but by god, it is unreal to hear people talking about their work. There is a disconnect. These people do this for a living. They come from all over the world and they do this day in and day out and do it for a living.

These are nice people with good intentions. I know this about them. They have been doing this MUCH longer than I have. It’s not so much they are cynical which disturbs me but the Us vs. Them mentality. It’s prevalent.

I am afraid of turning into one of Them.

I am working for a big INGO and I am doing work that I dreamed about doing. I get to go into the different communities and I get to talk to the people from there and help them plan out their communities. We talk about their jobs, their kids, the education and health systems, the water situation, where the mosque or temple will be and most importantly, what their new homes will look like.

We talk about what they need to get them back on their feet. Many of these people are doubly affected. They had just moved from an Internally Displaced Person camp (people displaced from the North and East due to the civil conflict in Sri Lanka for the last 20 years) to a house of sorts when the tsunami came and wiped that away.

I am ecstatic to be doing this kind of work. Should I be feeling like a sell out? Go back to my first tsunami diary and look at the ease with which I bad mouthed all big NGO’s. I said they had nothing to do with the people. I said awful things about them.

I am now one of them. There is no two ways about it. I get paid that salary, I get afforded that status. I drive around in a clearly marked (a/c - chauffeured) vehicle. I work in a conflict zone and therefore know the evacuation plans by heart in case there is a security threat. I will be flown out or taken to safety.

Is this eating crow? I’m partial to curry flavored things anyways.

I know for sure that I will be making a difference to approximately 3500 people in a positive way because of the work that I am doing. I work 20 hours a day to make sure that it is a positive, (thoughtful) change. I care. But does that excuse me? Do I even need to be excused? I must if I’m thinking about it.

Part of me does feel like a sell out. This is the work I have been dreaming about for so long. Community work on a community level.

It’s not the work, it’s the ex-pat status and all it affords that is causing me this guilt.

I work long hours, I am away from home and family. Look at me justify this.

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Sri Lanka has a chance to be reborn. This is what I said in my first piece.

I wish I were qualified enough to make an assessment on where it will go from here. I am not. All images I can think about rebirth just do not work in this case. It has also been a while since anyone has used that image. The euphoria of all the money, good will (arrogance and ignorance) coming into the country has long faded. Cynicism has set in and everyone is in a holding pattern waiting to see what will happen next.



Everything has become so political (not just the politicians) that no one really knows who the real players, the movers and shakers are anymore.

God Forbid it be the public, the affected.